Reality,Relationship

• Posted by Donna V July 3, 2014 #relationships  1,001 views
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  I haven't posted for a while, 

  and I have been through a bad spell.To just spit it out , I have got to that stage , where I NEED to make a break from those closest to me.Simply because it has become UNBEARABLE.I made a bad choice in sacrificing myself, moving back into a relation with my long term partner only to find that its become emotional torture and expectation , no room for Donna.On the surface  its happy ,smile for the neighbours.

  I have been though a very hard mental time up and down .I have made the break from work , made the break for myself , and now have to deal with the reality of  very probably ending the long relationship with my partner. The problems are to many and unresolvable and we go through these cycles of up and down , which she says she can not cope with. I just find I cannot talk ,she is too sensitive and says I do not make sense.I feel its right to give a release from this and move out and allow her to seek the third party to talk too.

  I hate  the silence of Denial.My best intentions of just carrying on , and working on the house and Garden and all this material physical things of the Shell  just crowd the light and opportunities to express a life.Hope is not enough.In many ways its true I have become a victim of my best intentions and so has she.There really is only one way now.I hope it will be a release for both of us in its way, for me released from the expectations to behave and put up a front, for her a release from the effort and mistaken belief that she needs to control me and protect me from myself.For information I have not been able to see a GP since moving back "home" as she said in the past that she could not bear the "embarrassment and pain " of the local NHs knowing that her partner was Transgendered. She is a Surgeon at the local hospital. and says she is my doctor.This is difficult as she does not accept the Current NHS view of transgendered people. I guess she does not want to see ME, the whole me

    My partner has her problems , and I try to help, but the true realisation is that with best intentions we cannot Always be the best person to offer help even to those close to. This is sad , but true.

  This is not easy,.As a Transexual I have made many mistakes.I am not perfect , I think its now come for us to part.and allow me to be Donna[long to be the smiling girl with Long Auburn hair,not the short haired slave I see in the mirror now.

  In time I can only hope that She will see this as the only wayand spend time without my prescence.

  she knows I dont mean harm,but its clear my expressing myself as transgendered is deeply hurting her.

   

  Thanks Lucy 

  "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." 

  (Harvey Fierstein)

   

  First you need to feel what you want to be, and then you need to be what you want to feel

   I saw this once and it struck me, its a human need for a transexual person.the need to feel and to be to have identity.instead of the imposed need 

  to meet other peoples expectations.

   

  From Emma Gee[from Maddies Blog Hopeless "]."Ultimately, the key for me was the fact that I simply could not go on as I was any more. When you reach that stage, everything else will fall into place. As I'm sure many will agree, it isn't easy- but if it's the only way, it's the right way. Xx