Hi GS friends,
well, transitioning is full of twist and turns, more than i expected, lately, in fact. i saw my gender counselor yesterday and she was alarmed that seven months into my "real life test" that i admitted going to a gun club meeting in "drab." "with a hat?" she asked...."yes, i think the CofC hat mydaughter gave me...." So she says you are not supposed to alternate between gender roles during the RLT,and she would have to think about it. "ok, don't doanyting and i'll think about it." OK time up!
so on my (long) drive home i was wondering what she meant "i'll have to think about it.."
so I called her for clarification: do i NOT go ahead and change my driver's license? do i NOT sent my intake form to my chosen GRS MD?
no return call. so i email a half hour later: "are you going to DQ me because i went to one meeting in "drab" (skinny jeans, vans, hoodie, stud earrings)? you have to pay your dues in person, new club rule"
so i had the evening and night to think about transition and what itr means to me. as i said to my "counselor" yesterday, yes, i'm happy. yes, i don't have a barrier of depresion that tells people not to engage me in conversation, tostay away from me. yes, now people engage me in small chat on the street, in lines. yes, i feel like i am a "participant" in the world now.
BUT i still have huge financial obligations,a house that will eventually sell, but way below what i need to start over. i still have a brother who won't agree to sell the home we inherited upon our mom's death, thinking it will be double in value in five years (such an idiot; he's 55, i'm 61). i could be dead in five years,or sooner. not a lot to start over with when my house eventually sells. Transitioning won't make those eventualities go away.
My new thought is to stop my transition, stop seeing my psych MD and forget all the Rx for depression, anxiety and all that other stuff, and just go surfing. forget the credit cards. forget the mortgage. just surf. and one day, probably in late summer, septemner, there will be a day like this, when the waves are perfect, the rides are long and sweeping, locked into a green liquid wall of water that extends as far as i can see, and ride it the whole way....