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  • 12 Jan 2014
    I think it was an ancient philosopher who said "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."   Sometimes when you start talking about taking a long walk (off a short pier? Quite possibly.) you are tempted to throw your legs out to the max and covering as much distance in as short a period of time as you can. But is this the best way?   Sometimes walking in shorter steps makes more sense. Think about it like this... if your shoes are not so comfortable are you going to overdue the stress on your feet, or are you going to take smaller steps and help balance things out? Logically the latter makes more sense, but we often strive to take those larger, more uncomfortable steps because we think we *must* do so.   Some girls can naturally take those larger steps without issue, and that's fine. We all sstep to the beat of a different drummer. When you step out into the world, you must decide what step best suits YOU. Everything else is just icing on the cake.   Personally, I have taken much too large steps while watching for an outpouring of compliments. I didn't get them. So I started taking smaller steps with more confidence and they started getting noticed more and more. No one can predict how things will go in this crazy thing we call 'life.'   For the ladies out there, imagine walking in a pencil skirt and how you shorten your steps, feling more confident. Sure, you can wear a loose mini but you'll never shorten your step as easily. You have to work at it more conscientiously. Heels may slow you rhythm a little, but the most assure thing is to slow the length of your steps taken.   The thing is, girls don't always progress at the same rate and trying to walk big when you aren't ready may lead to issues with your self-confidence. I know it has had that effect on me.   Take a moment to look inside and ask yourself "am I walking too fast?" Maybe you will think that you do. Walking too fast leads to "acting too fast" and "reacting too fast" amongst other things. Pace in your steps can lead to pace in your mind/soul/body.   It's a lesson I could learn from too.
    1499 Posted by Samantha Erica
  • 18 Jan 2014
    I think Shakespeare said (or some other wise soul)... so what's in a name?   When you are transgender it can be more important that the one that was attached with a white 3x5 sticker to your top as you wander through life. Names are meaningful when we attach them ourselves.   I was recently talking to someone who is 'on the fence' about transitioning and we got to talking about names. They wanted to explore 'androgynous' names and feel like they could change this aspect and move on. If they decided to stay androg it would not be such a problem. But a name is a name that should identify yourself.   We talked about Sam as a name and they said, lucidly "Well, that is a nickname. It could be Samuel or Samantha...", etc. That got the gears grinding as the "rubber hit the road." They were right.   We churned over a number of ideas, they were all shortened versions of other names. They wanted something full and unique.   We did a lot of 'soul-searching' and I came up with a name. They latched onto it right away (OK there were some initial reservations but I mentioned I knew boys and girls who had this name): Taylor   Maybe it's not the best choice but one they can at least work with. Now we're working on their middle name (for they want one as well, same idea). I suppose I could do a Google search or just invent something like 'Mountain' or 'Sky' or 'Ocean' but they want something a little more 'conventional.'   Darn it, choosing names is hard. It's one thing to name a baby in the womb because they have no choice. But when you have a myriad of choices and want a certain limitation it gets harder and harder. What's in a name, you ask?   A lot more than you might imagine!
    1066 Posted by Samantha Erica
  • 26 Aug 2014
    I have been dealing with a few health issues of late which has made me pause and retract some of my time spent enjoying being dressed, it has been full of ups and downs. I am hoping that going forward will have more ups again. It's been hard.   I was thinking long and hard about myself, thinking that I was dealing with someone who could never quie be happy and never quite fit in. I was sure that I was the outsider, looking in and hoping someone would open the door and let me in. I felt like a river; meandering through life seemingly guided by the course someone else was choosing. I felt like I was able to reach beyond the shores sometimes, and others I felt like I was trapped in a shallow trickle that might dry up completely and never reach the sea.   Over time I had experienced wonderful, accepting people whom I value for their friendship and sincerity. Those are the people that "don't care what you look like" and just care about you.   Others I have had the misfortune of encountering have had the harsh, brutal assessment that "if you don't pass, you're a he." (Or a she for FTM's). Other people would call them out on it, but they were unrelenting sorts of people. It was holding everyone else hostage to their opinion.   What happened was that I began to obsess with either passing or not dressing at all. I quaked in my heels thinking "there's no way that I pass, and I know it. Who am I fooling?" It's like a version of peer-pressure. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. What a quandary!   Somewhere along the line, I got more upset and sort of shut myself down. I wasn't ready to "be me," in fact, I didn't know "me" anymore. So, during the times of not feeling one hundred percent I started to open my mind up to other possibilities to find inner peace with my conflicts. And behold, I have started to follow that river.   I used to love just dressing and not worrying about gender specifically, although, of course I dreamt of being a girl. But I found that I had happiness and enjoyment from simple things, not necessarily having to be totally and radically unique. But that phase went away as I got drawn into the idea that I had to pass and that I was a bad, evil person if I did not. I wanted to pass but other things held me up. So I lamented that I was never going to and withdrew into myself to curl up and forget it all. But, like so many things in life, it was not going to go away.   I came across the term 'gender fluidity' and I was immediately intrigued. Was it possible to share? To make one unique person who could live in both realms? Was it even an option? Maybe, just maybe it was.   I definitely see the aspects of myself that are fluid and changeable. I suspect we all have those. It's like the weather, or the phases of the moon; sometimes one if full and clear, the other times it's darker and not so clear. Still, it gave me hope and a feeling that maybe somewhere there was a place and time for Samantha to "fit in."   Another aspect I started to learn about was pansexuality. I had never "opened the door" of the idea of dating anyone specific, but certainly aspects of their gender excluded me. As time went along, I found more and more that I was dreaming of men. I was kissing them, making out. Sometimes they were merely naked. I would awake with a heightened sense of arousal and it didn't go away. I wasn't ashamed of it anymore. I wanted to be with a man.   Then sometimes I was with someone transgender and we explored our feelings in myriad ways. Again, I woke aroused and unashamed. The dreams got more frequent and were particularly vivid sometimes. I was happy to have them and it may have been my way of telling myself "it's OK to be who you are, it's OK to be unique." So you should also say to yourself - you are a gift and your uniqueness is a special gift!   This is a gift I am slowly enjoying opening and seeing what more is inside!!
    1048 Posted by Samantha Erica
  • 12 Jan 2014
    Jim Morrison once sang "when the music's over"   Is the music ever over?   George Harrison made a famous comment on Cream's "Badge" - "what does that say? Badge?" Another immortal song.   Myself, I love all kinds of music. Jim Morrison, George Harrison, Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce, Beethoven, Mozart, J.S. Bach, you know I live "outside" most of the time.   Living outside means not being always the fancied. Jim said "I have some friends inside," but when I look outside I don't hear the calliope. No tunes turned on a dime. No scream of a butterfly nor the silent scream of a foghorn.   Jim said "we're getting tired of hanging around" - yet I seem to relinquish in 'hanging around'. What exactly am I looking to escape from/to?   A certain Hobbit was thrown into an Unexpected Journey by being "the thief" who would sneak past the wrath of Smaug, the dragon. I don't expect amongst my jewelry is the "One Ring" - but wouldn't it be nice if it was?   One thing I can say; music is a good friend. Music sails the skies and the heavens. It creates musical harmonies in the heavens (see J. Kepler).   Thank goodness at this point we've reached the "Badge"...
    1043 Posted by Samantha Erica
Society Girl's Personal Blogs 1,431 views Apr 04, 2014
In and Out...In and Out...

You know when you're a kid and you run indoors to grab something, like a PB&J sandwich and then run outdoors to play, but then you forget your toys so you run back in and your parents holler out "come in or stay outside, but don't keep going back and forth!"

 

For some the idea of going in or out of perceived gender "roles" or experiences can lead to frustrating ideas. It confusing to the outsiders (like your parents didn't get why you needed to keep coming in and going out) - and often it confuses ourselves as well.

 

Dressing up doesn't always fit like a premium set of tights. In fact, a GF and I were chatting (OK, we were b****ing LOL) about how tall girls can't find good fitting clothes. They make the aspect of being what you want to be much harder and awkward to convey, so we get uncomfortable and need a change.

 

Why is it that society seems to favor the slim, petite girls but ignores a BBW or a RTG (really tall girl). I saw a girl a few weeks ago - she was just a teen but she was *so* tall. I can imagine she will get taller, and she'll probably ask herself the same question - why is it so hard to dress up nicely?

 

I'm not saying that's a reason to go in and out of "gender modes" - but if you aren't comfortable you really aren't going to feel "with it" and "part of the team."

 

I  have GF's that can absolutely transform and be amazing - partly as they can find clothes that fit well and look gorgeous. I did not get the same endowments but that's OK, it's what I was given and I deal with it.

 

But, like other things, I move in and out of the wants of Samantha... she's not needy but she likes her time, her personal things and being given the chance to "shine" - even for a short time. Samantha always is asking "why can't we just find a way to fit in?"

 

Lately I found some jeans that were designed for taller women and they fit great! Of course, nothing beats a good dress, but on a tall woman it may end up looking like a a long shirt and not a beautiful dress landing just above the knees (I have issues with my knees too but I'll let that go for now...).

 

So Samantha gets to wear long skirts in hopes that they fit well and they usually do. My 'first' skirt was a long denim skirt that lands at the ankles. I loved wearing it (I still do) - it is a wonderful item and I got it on a whim hoping it would fit. And it did. But fear & loathing put the skirt back in the bag and it was hidden away.

 

Moving in and out, like a renter at a timeshare, is not always a bad thing, but it is a confusing and sometimes frustrating thing. I see so many beautiful women, in just everyday life - not trying to wow the world. I just want to be able to be like that. Average, everyday, run-of-the-mill woman. My good friends have told me I am "amazing" and "beautiful" but in some sense I see things they don't (or they respectfully don't tell me) and the feeling is to go in-and-out again. It's a revolving door.

 

Sometimes you get dizzy, though, and you just want to land your boots on solid ground and sigh happily "ah, I am home again!"



Comments

10 comments
  • Briana Purcell and M G like this
  • M G
    M G Well actually, Mirror and I do get along okay sometimes. Other times though, she's really quite brutally honest, and a real meanie : )
    April 4, 2014 - 2 like this - Report
  • Samantha Erica
    Samantha Erica Thank you to all you lovely ladies. Part of my "dysphoria" is feeling awkward and out of place. I know my tallness stands out as I look like a giraffe at a mouse convention, but it's the hand I was dealt. And, I don't mind being tall, I just wish I had...  more
    June 23, 2014 - 1 likes this - Report
  • M G
    M G Samantha, have you tried LTS? (Long Tall Sally) . I'm still a new customer there, but they are already my fave store. I don't know if it's a takeover, merger, or just a case of featuring their products, but LTS now carries Barefoot Tess footwear too. I looove LTS!
    June 25, 2014 - Report
  • M G
    M G Have you joined us in the 'Tall Girls' group here at GS?
    June 25, 2014 - Report