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Update 7:36 am - So at work - the Testorone gel has finally kicked in - the other emotions are under the surface still but at least there under the surface - i can function at least for now.
550am - So one thing to say FUCK!
I knew this could happen, you see it’s the backlash of coming off estrogen and then throwing my body into the Testosterone grinder....
So what’s going on?
Emotions everywhere the last 3 days threatening to destroy everything really...
I have no clue how to get through all this other than keep taking the Testosterone gel, and keep going, no macho Bullshit gets u past this.
I remember now, I had blocked it out but I have been here before this is when it gets hard core.
You see the remaining estrogen, your body stores it in your fat reserves so im told, at any rate it leaks out, plus emotional instability in my personal situation combine with complete extortion and before u know it u have : Confused body image, sore boobs, emotions everywhere – for example right now , right this second on this very train this is me- Tears , anger at being so weak, a need to be held protected, your hair stroked (only I shaved it all off), huge helpings of sadness and worst of all vulnerability I can’t curl into a small enough ball in this seat.
Before u know it everything around u is falling apart - pushing u deeper and deeper down....
Been here last time I DE transitioned I didn't get through I, I gave up it was too hard there was someone there to tell me “ GO back to being a girl, it’s who you are – here let me hold you and take care of you – its ok to cry on my chest”..
I pray to the goddess this time I will succeed that no one will be that kind. Make no mistake as to the intensity here the resolution is way beyond a few sets of weights, a bottle of Jack or even an hour in the DoJo, this is physically and physiologically elemental stuff. This is a ticket to gender confusion and hell.
The worst of it is this is not going to go quickly, it can last an hour to a few weeks at a time and all the while you have to fight it you cannot give in, if you do the next thing you will be injecting estrogen and wearing a dress and this herculean effort this goal will seem like someone else’s goal someone else’s escape route and you will be back as ‘She’ and she is weak and will and can be hurt you will be back on a long journey you will take again and again and the pattern will repeat: I have tried to detransition now 3 times and failed 3 times in let us say 20 years, I will not fail 4 times this time I will see this through despite all my emotional and physical cravings.
At this point I can honestly say I'm at war with myself and both side have one thing in common they both hate and loath me... Pictures below from both sides of me some quite old, I prayer so hard I can get through this I can’t go back to being an emotional vulnerable girl, or something in-between this would be so much worse a switch even though some people see me as that now , I know the truth im not a switch im just trapped, trapped between many desires, emotions and above all fears – I would rather die right now than go back to being a girl and then get hurt all over again by something and then go through this all over again
...cool not now I'm crying like a little bitch on the train , I'm truly a complete fuck up…
Written on the train and cleaned up in the office, for wider consumption in the hope it might help someone else.
