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  • 23 Oct 2014
    Update 7:36 am - So at work - the Testorone gel has finally kicked in - the other emotions are under the surface still but at least there under the surface - i can function at least for now. 550am - So one thing to say FUCK!I knew this could happen, you see it’s the backlash of coming off estrogen and then throwing my body into the Testosterone grinder....So what’s going on?Emotions everywhere the last 3 days threatening to destroy everything really...I have no clue how to get through all this other than keep taking the Testosterone gel, and keep going, no macho Bullshit gets u past this.I remember now, I had blocked it out but I have been here before this is when it gets hard core.You see the remaining estrogen, your body stores it in your fat reserves so im told, at any rate it leaks out, plus emotional instability in my personal situation combine with complete extortion and before u know it u have : Confused body image,  sore boobs,  emotions everywhere – for example right now , right this second on this very train this is me-   Tears , anger at being so weak, a need to be held protected, your hair stroked (only I shaved it all off), huge helpings of sadness and worst of all vulnerability I can’t curl into a small enough ball in this seat.Before u know it everything around u is falling apart - pushing u deeper and deeper down.... Been here last time I DE transitioned I didn't get through I, I gave up it was too hard there was someone there to tell me “ GO back to being a girl, it’s who you are – here let me hold you and take care of you – its ok to cry on my chest”..I pray to the goddess this time I will succeed that no one will be that kind. Make no mistake as to the intensity here the resolution is way beyond  a few sets of weights, a bottle of Jack or even an hour in the DoJo, this is physically and physiologically elemental stuff. This is a ticket to gender confusion and hell.The worst of it is this is not going to go quickly, it can last an hour to a few weeks at a time and all the while you have to fight it you cannot give in, if you do the next thing you will be injecting estrogen and wearing a dress and this herculean effort this goal will seem like someone else’s goal someone else’s escape route and you will be back as ‘She’ and she is weak and will and can be hurt you will be back on a long journey you will take again and again and the pattern will repeat: I have tried to detransition now 3 times and failed 3 times in let us say 20 years, I will not fail 4 times this time I will see this through despite all my emotional and physical cravings.At this point I can honestly say I'm at war with myself and both side have one thing in common they both hate and loath me... Pictures below from both sides of me some quite old, I prayer so hard I can get through this I can’t go back to being an emotional vulnerable girl, or something in-between this would be so much worse a switch even though some people see me as that now , I know the truth im not a switch im just trapped, trapped between many desires, emotions and above all fears – I would rather die right now than go back to being a girl and then get hurt all over again by something and then go through this all over again...cool not now I'm crying like a little bitch on the train , I'm truly a complete fuck up…Written on the train and cleaned up in the office, for wider consumption in the hope it might help someone else.     
    1122 Posted by willow katie martin
  • 23 Oct 2014
    Where does one start wine one is looking at the dark depths of a wine glass and reflecting on the recent past, Well where else but with a blog post. So here is the blog post in question, I do not expect it will bring any world shattering revelations but perhaps I can find some clarity in spilling all my thoughts out on the page. If nothing else it will kill the other half of the bottle of wine. This year has been a horrid year the contracting market was up and down so fast it left me feeling sea sick, it also as a side effect meant that when i was in contract the money was good but the next day i could be out of that contract so the stability was shocking. The further effect of the unstable market place meant that this girl had to pack up her keyboard and go such places as Basingstoke and Reading for work. One hotel is really just as bad as another especially when you a overweight, transgendered women who doesn't pass at closer than 100 yards. The situation became much worse when i went permanent then i was still rushing off all over the UK but for there clients. At about the same time i started to get bad infections which culminated in a stay in hospital, at least they put me on the women's ward. Having traced the infection problems eventually to a stricture in my very tiny sticky out boy bit – I'm not joking its about 3 inch's at most after years of hormones and T blockers, did i mention that i hate it , no i don't hate it , i despise it , it is like fungus growing on my body it should not be there. The pain can be so bad when using the loo that even with codeine and several neurological pain blockers i can be found curled up on the bathroom floor in tears of pain screaming i wished i was dead, that’s on a better day. Did i mention it has been a hard year? I'm sure i did. Relationship wise I'm still with my partner, the only problem being I'm quite submissive in a C/DD type of way, which makes me hard work to be with even if i try my hardest to behave and not be demanding. I can be a bad girl. My partners folks after having to visit me in hospital , now know I'm Katie were as before we had never told them and gone out of my way to not put them in a position were we had to discuss this. In truth they have been very supportive and i wish my own folks had handled it so well. Work – well work what have i not said well i guess i have not said how bone wearying and tiring it is trying to juggle being in immense amounts of pain most of the time and being a world class consultant who brings value to her clients. I am supposed to have a operation next year, i do not have a date yet but what they will do is move the urethra and make a new hole, the thought of anyone just touching that organ makes me cringe so hard. I will have to have a catheter for 10 days which will mean i will have to look after the very thing i hate t hat awful organ for 10 days. Well the wine is drunk ; i think its time i post this. good night all and happy new year. Love Katie
    961 Posted by willow katie martin
  • 23 Oct 2014
    The bar was dark and tacky , i had been hit on by a few greasy men and had drank to many vodka cokes The door opened She walked in with black hair She walked in, I could smell the despair She walked in, I could see the desperation I called her over she did not need to speak i put my arms around her I smelt the sweet stench of a drug addict on her breath memories of Africa flooded back , memories of the streets of Manchester assaulted me, I had been here before i knew this hell She walked in i knew her desperation her despair , She walked in i held her while she cried I prayed for her and yelled to god silently, i pleaded with him, interceded for her in those few moments I stroked her hair i brushed it away from her face I held her i told her what ever it was, it would be ok I refused to let her buy me a drink She kept apologizing I held her while she cried “ that it wouldn’t be ok , nothing could be ok ever again , there was only darkness , she was trapped she cried” I had nothing to offer her I had nothing to say her There was nothing I could do for her but hold her and stroke her hair , and tell her it would be ok , some how it would all work out Eventually the raven haired lady left walking from this bar , she left to be swallowed by the darkness once more – I felt powerless helpless unable to offer anything but my arms around her and my unconditional love, She had been with me for mere moments , when she had walked in my spirit had highlighted her I had reached to her asking if she was ok and her tirade of tears had given me my answer. I felt helpless , praying for her later in the shower i felt helpless, thinking of her till i drifted into a dark sleep i felt helpless , this morning as i type this i feel helpless.
    907 Posted by willow katie martin
  • 23 Oct 2014
    I opened my eyes the sun flooded in I stretched and yarned, folding the nighty I had warn all night over the back of my chair my little bear looked up at me reminding me I had to fix his seam after years of being hugged and passed from family member to family member he had become the worse for wear his stuffing was starting to come escape, his little button eyes had warn lose. The floor was cold as I padded into the bathroom in knickers and bra – I shivered as I waited for the heater to warm up the frigid air. half an hour later , I look around my little room wondering what I should wear today it was too cold for the dress I had spent half of Saturday hunting for and finally found in this amazing French boutique on oxford street, I needed a plan B. Then my eyes feel on the pile in the corner of the room , the blacks , the body armour, the combat boots – and my mind jumped back to last night, inside I screamed that wasn’t me im Rebecca I don’t want to remember this but unbidden the memories rushed in the tears fell as I sat and wept I remembered. It had been a quiet night other than some plastic want a be gob shites from Salford turning up demanding to get in, I was 1 door crew I wasen’t gonna stop them but my reputation did demand respect, people knew I was a physco, people knew I wouldn’t stop hurting you till you stopped moving if it went loud – so I got respect but only so much reputations were on the line and they were worth more to these lads than blood, teeth and lives. As they approached I saw the bulges I knew what was under the coats and back then the door world was not like what it is now back then people died normally crew especially in Manchester, especially the clubs people like me worked. As they tried to push past I stepped in front wishing I had a back up crew but it was a Wednesday night we didn’t expect trouble and free entry meant the owners had no wish to spend large on security, the head lad stepped up put his face looking up at me into my chest I dropped back into a stance form which I knew I could drop him before he reached inside his jacket but I wasn’t so sure I could stop his crew. Before the situation escalated I did the only thing I could I said come on lads show some respect we don’t need drama you and your crew terry are welcome but lose the tool kits , terry stepped back I could see him thinking it over checking the angles waying up who he had with him and what they were carrying and was it enough – he stepped back and talked to his lads they went over to a litter bin and pulled out cleavers, steak knives and a couple of shanks all went in the bin they walked towards me I stepped aside they went in. Later in the night some stock broker messes with this crew and they prove they don’t need a blade when there are bottles around, It ends with me holding his face together with a bar cloth terry apologising to me for the trouble as he and his crew walk out, the police and I don’t see eye to eye so I tell them just some Salford lads no clue who gov that is how you stay healthy in this job. My mind wanders on , inside im screaming I don’t want to remember this bit please can’t we go back to thinking about the dress or perhaps boot cut jeans with the black ankle boots with the bow on them – but my mind is unrelenting the clock ticks forward its 2am the club has closed the glass has been swept up , the after hour drinks drunk the bullshit stories told. Im wandering home knackered the adrenaline still pumping but tiredness taking over from the combination of Amp., Coffee, ground up proplus i had been popping and swilling on and off all night. I rounded the corner by Piccadilly gardens and the first thing I remember is the smell , it’s a smell you don’t forget the mixture of cooper from the blood and the contents of someone bowels I knew immediately what was coming next I looked to my right and saw a girl rocking back and forth almost curled into a ball screaming , I hadn’t noticed her screaming till then I still can’t figure out why. People stood round like the world had frozen  doing nothing but rubber necking while in front of them a young man bled to death – I pushed through the crowd shouting at people have you dickheads rung triple 9 some guy finally got on his phone – I saw a women at the edge of the crowd I growled at her to look after the girl she got the message and moved to put her arm round the screaming girl who continued to scream but at least she now wasn’t my problem. I bent down next to the guy careful to avoid the river of crimson and brown – he had a large wound in his chest, **** im not a medic what the **** do I do I remember thinking , rght dick head what are the basic come on use your brain,  he was losing volumes I checked his pulse it was weak, I had to try to stop the bleed I clamped my hand over the wound and pressed down I waited for the dick heads in blue to turn up 5 minutes later a copper pulled up followed by ARV and a SO unit and I could hear the ambulance in the back ground I briefed them in as they run over one of them took over I blended back into the crowd trying to vanish and then to get the guys blood of my hands eventually resorted to washing them in the fountain in the park. I knew he was as good as dead as soon as I got there, I jumped on the 192 and headed home I knew I should of waited around filled out a report etc. but it would do no good I said to myself I would deal with it tomorrow , It would get me a bunch of grief leaving the scene and all that but I needed to sleep I needed to get my head together I would blame shock they should of corralled me into a corner and had one of the officers wait with me so it was on them as well and I hadn’t actually seen anything if I had of perhaps he wouldn’t be dead perhaps I could of done something perhaps… All the way home I wept on the back of the bus I knew he was dead , how could the world be like this – how could my world consist of such things, I was the one now opening my eyes who found myself curled up in a ball in the corner of my room clutching teddy crying again with streaked make up looking around the room in terror wishing somehow the carpet could swallow me up. I knew now I would be wearing blacks today and mental armour 4ft thick, I knew I would be spending time getting to know pc plod and signing a useless statement about a pointless incident that occurred in my life as a man, I cried harder
    892 Posted by willow katie martin
766 views Oct 23, 2014
Identity

Identity is a strange thing we have ourselves an image of who we are.

The world has a different image of who we are.

We also have a image we try to project for the world to see , this maybe our true image – but may also be some sort of visual lie, to make the world accept you .I guess in a lot of ways we use visual lies daily , but then what is a visual lie a false hood ?

Can you say plastic surgery , makeup or perhaps just a fake smile to hide the nightmare that is our life – i guess what matters is the depth of the Lie.

For a T. Person a transgendered person – their always living a visual lie from someone’s perspective either their own or the worlds ,  right up till that wonderful moment – the first time your body is finally in tune with your soul then at last you are living that truth , i have not got to that yet , will i ? i don’t know.

So when im in the Southern USA with no clothes i like or would ware , i only have boy stuff with me apart from my pink jelly watch and a pink v-neck T and no makeup.

So this Saturday in Georges dressed in blue jeans , pink T minding my own business actually trying to hide in a corner with my Vodka and coke.

Dancing away in my little corner , ignoring the world and getting absorbed by the music – becoming a part of its beat, the thump of its soul drowning out the rhythm of my heart , in my little corner suddenly this women appears by my side and says excuse me but i really think i should say , dear you would make a wonderful women have you ever considered that you are one.

It would seem that our self-identity leeks from our every pore , of course i would make a wonderful women because inside in my mind , in my heart i am a women. To me right now i feel like im in drag as a man im putting on a long worn out mask a male mask that barely hides the edges of my identity – but it hides it enough i thought to give people the opportunity to say oh well just a really camp bloke, or there is something a bit strange about him. As opposed to them throwing the hands up in horror and going get away from me Satan as it were.

Identity , self identity can’t be hidden – well at least not from everyone all of the time, T-radar is alive and well in Baton Rouge it would seem.

Rebecca Martin