|
|
|
Notifications
|
|
|
|
I'm a sensual person. I thrive on physical contact and affection. I always have. Being a multiple sexual assault victim has done little to alter my need to touch and to be touched. Yet, I realize that it's something so many people frown upon; people who are who so sensual and in great need of physical affection are often/always seen as clingy or codependent, even weak. Especially in a world which has become increasingly small whilst paradoxically seeing its inhabitants growing farther and farther apart, viewing one another through their electronic devices.
I miss having people around me to talk with, to eat with, to hug or cuddle or kiss, not romantically to passionately per se, but just a peck on the cheek or forehead.
Even when I had that, I would always hold back a little, never letting be known the fact that I need someone's touch. I never wanted for someone to feel as though I was leading them on, trying to steal them away from their significant other or else, making someone with whom I might have been in a relationship uncomfortable, jealous or feeling betrayed. It's not that at all.
Corny as it sounds, I just love deeply. I love people. I love letting people know that.
Sometimes, my sensuality manifests itself in, sadly, involuntary ways. There are times when a warm embrace, giving or receiving a back rub, even eye contact with a person I'm fond of can lead to arousal. Again, it's not sexual; I seldom feel as though I want to have sex with that person, nor do I imagine scenarios or engage in sexual fantasies. I just become aroused. Perhaps, the word should be "stimulated". I feel stimulated, being engaged in such an intimate place with the person or persons I love.
Being a transwoman, that stimulation can be quite visible, detectable or obvious, sadly, which further causes me to suppress my natural inclination to express my affection. There's few things more humiliating that spring to my mind than holding someone closely, only to have to awkwardly and abruptly end it, lest the other party notice a growing erection, especially when compounded by the added dysphoria that being transgender can bring. So, I'm left feeling somewhat unfulfilled and as a result guilty or shameful because I'm so clingy and sensual.
I don't need people to really care about or understand what my experiences are. I just needed to let it go and get it out there. Perhaps it's because I've been feeling so isolated, unlovable, lonely and depressed lately that I've tried to define a root cause or to make sense of my dilemma. I miss holding, being held, touching, being touched and sharing myself with others and having others share themselves with me.
