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820 views Jul 19, 2015
Older Transgender

Hi to all and thanks for reading.

 

First up let me start and apologise for the length of this before I even begin.

 

I am 51 year old male and am fairly sure I have had gender Dsyphoria since I was 5 years old. My life up until recently seems to have lurched from crisis to another. For me the main escape from my issues was via alcohol and spent from the age of about 14 to 36 pouring copius amounts of boooze down my throat so I could live a day to day life. About the age of 11 or 12 I was totally aware of the difference between me and my older brothers. We just seemed to think differently but I soon learnt what was Ok and what was not and they mostly stopped calling me a sissy by the time I was 14. To compund my developing Dysphoria I was sexually abused at this age which set of a course of self distructive events culminating in my near death in 2000. In 2000 I made a bid to bring Sarah out however met with a lot of suble but negative pressure. While agreeable my partner seems to have been hoping desperately that I would just forget the whole thing.

 

Just recently we had a very intimate talk discussing a number of issue but my need to crossdress being one topic. Let me say I have cross dressed many times over the last 51 years. I came to the realisation about a week ago that I was returning to old dangerous patterns again. So I have spent time recently examining what this all means to me. I  get a great deal of satisfaction from dressing as but it feels a bit fake to me as I have to continually return to boy mode to go anywher or do anything. The only times I have really felt comfortable is when I have had plently of time and by that I mean a few days.

 

I don't want to wear tight,short skirts and dresses with 7inch hooker pumps and a face full of stage makeup, its just not me. I feel my most comfortable in say a nice dress or pair of fitted slacks and blouse. A few bangs,goodstyle and colored hair,2inch heel pumps and don't forget the lippy. Thats me, I would like to just fit in and have the constant noise in my head stopped. By noise I mean those constants thoughts about feeling a bit odd or out of place.

 

I have this odd feeling at the moment and have had it for the last week. Its like a calm, Ihave not made the decision to Transition as yet but it sits really well with me. I am despately trying to find a therapist to help me work out if I am on the right track...I do feel this could be the answer for me but like all the other girls who do this you want to be a sure as you can be.

Thankyou

 

Sarah S



Comments

1 comment
  • Shirley Arriey
    Shirley Arriey Sorry to hear its been a struggle. Although I must admit you are not alone on that front.
    You meantion feeling a "calm" despite no thaving made a decision to transition.
    I wonder though if subconsciously that you actually have? It sounds as though...  more
    July 25, 2015 - Report