When living in a world of secrets

• Posted by Sander Mason August 28, 2015 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs #  #transgender  #family  #bigender  #coming out transgender  #gender fluid  933 views
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  Hi there. This is my second post. I mentioned in the last post that I have accepted that I'm a man. It is truly liberating to embrace myself, who I am, and to find peace within my own skin. However, I am living in secret and it is truly harming me.

   

  In general, I think that coming out - as trans, gay, lesbian, etc - is partly so difficult because it's a huge shock *to them* We struggle every single day with who we are, questioning and toiling, and some of the hardest steps are to come out to yourself. That bit was very hard for me, and I know that the shock factor will be insanely difficult for everyone in my life.

   

  My friend/therapist/Buddhism teacher is a wonderful guy. He did not judge, argue, or try to "fix" me when I spoke with him. In fact, he changed my name in his computer and is referring to me with male pronouns. He also helped me to realize that I'm more gender fluid/bigender than full trans. Either way, I'm a man and I embrace that wholeheartedly.

   

  I have yet to tell my best friend, as I'm not sure how to explain it. With gender fluid/bigender, it's a completely different concept to people. This is a black and white world. An either/or mindset. On forms, we must check "male OR female" and there are "boys clothes OR girls clothes." It feels like many people on this planet don't seem to understand that *no one* is just one thing.

   

  Here's the thing. My family. Though I'm twenty-one, I happen to live with my parents and my older brother. He is a parttime college student, my mother doesn't work, and my father works from home. Thus, all four of us are usually in the house at the same time. That means that I have been sneaking about like a teenage boy slipping his girlfriend into his bedroom at night.

   

  They know nothing. I have only gotten to present as a male twice, as I had to wait to be alone. I'm dying to go out as my male self, but they would notice me with my self-made beard and male getup. I want to make friends as me, my male self, but I don't know how to present myself as male. I'm afraid that my family will find out somehow. Everything that I do on the internet is kept under lock and key. It's the only place that I can be myself.

   

  I am called female pronouns and my given name. It makes me cringe. In public, I cringe. Just today I stood in the hallway between public restrooms and it killed me that I couldn't go into the mens' room. Every day, it seems to get harder and harder to hide from them. But, they call transgender people "it" and I know that it could really upset things. Especially if, at some point, I decide that I'm more female again.

   

  Any coming out advice, folks? I need some. Thanks