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  • 11 Sep 2015
    As a child, I never felt comfortable. I believe that this is something that a lot of us can relate to. Other than feeling more like a boy than a girl, I struggled with mental illness. I was eleven years old when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I was eighteen when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. At twelve years old, I was placed in a hospital for self-harming behaviors. Part of me never left that hospital.   I felt as though my childhood was lost in those walls, and I never felt comfortable with myself to begin with. I thought that I was not good enough for anybody, the whole world, because I couldn't be who they wanted me to be. I was the contradiction, the grey area, the thirteen year old who feared medication instead of math tests.   With every breath, I tried to become this girl. This perfect girl who fit every bill. Yet, the entire time, I heard whispers. I saw myself through their eyes. I saw that they couldn't see what was behind mine. I only saw fragments. Another day. Another pill. Another moment when I had to laugh at the right things and smile at the right times.   Yet, I see these things as part of myself. I am not bitter nor angry. There are days, of course, when I ask why. Why has my life gone this way, and why do I have to be this different? The answer is usually the same. Because it's how it should be. Even though I hear the whispers, see this tangled past, I use the negativity to create. Something. Anything. To express myself. But, mostly, so that others can understand that we are all different and we are all haunted in some way or another. And, it's all right.   Thought that I'd share one of my free verse poems. It's about these whispers. Trying to figure out yourself, who you were, who they see you as. It's on the negative side of things, yet I think that maybe someone might relate to it.   Whispers When the world was asleep, The girl was alive. I heard the child’s Cheerful chortles in the corridor, and Her face was familiar like a lullaby That my family never sang.   When the dawn rose, The girl was a shadow. I felt her Long after she vanished like a Second-rate magician. She still Lives in the mirrors of my funhouse.   When I am in that maze, The girl hunts me. I am caught in Her gnarled jaw and cannot outrun The past that we have shared. Part of me Never knew her.   When I settle into night, The girl comes back. She whispers, I am you. The one they want you to be. This spine collapses as a damaged umbrella, And I will drown in their eyes.
    1247 Posted by Sander Mason
  • 28 Aug 2015
    Hi there. This is my second post. I mentioned in the last post that I have accepted that I'm a man. It is truly liberating to embrace myself, who I am, and to find peace within my own skin. However, I am living in secret and it is truly harming me.   In general, I think that coming out - as trans, gay, lesbian, etc - is partly so difficult because it's a huge shock *to them* We struggle every single day with who we are, questioning and toiling, and some of the hardest steps are to come out to yourself. That bit was very hard for me, and I know that the shock factor will be insanely difficult for everyone in my life.   My friend/therapist/Buddhism teacher is a wonderful guy. He did not judge, argue, or try to "fix" me when I spoke with him. In fact, he changed my name in his computer and is referring to me with male pronouns. He also helped me to realize that I'm more gender fluid/bigender than full trans. Either way, I'm a man and I embrace that wholeheartedly.   I have yet to tell my best friend, as I'm not sure how to explain it. With gender fluid/bigender, it's a completely different concept to people. This is a black and white world. An either/or mindset. On forms, we must check "male OR female" and there are "boys clothes OR girls clothes." It feels like many people on this planet don't seem to understand that *no one* is just one thing.   Here's the thing. My family. Though I'm twenty-one, I happen to live with my parents and my older brother. He is a parttime college student, my mother doesn't work, and my father works from home. Thus, all four of us are usually in the house at the same time. That means that I have been sneaking about like a teenage boy slipping his girlfriend into his bedroom at night.   They know nothing. I have only gotten to present as a male twice, as I had to wait to be alone. I'm dying to go out as my male self, but they would notice me with my self-made beard and male getup. I want to make friends as me, my male self, but I don't know how to present myself as male. I'm afraid that my family will find out somehow. Everything that I do on the internet is kept under lock and key. It's the only place that I can be myself.   I am called female pronouns and my given name. It makes me cringe. In public, I cringe. Just today I stood in the hallway between public restrooms and it killed me that I couldn't go into the mens' room. Every day, it seems to get harder and harder to hide from them. But, they call transgender people "it" and I know that it could really upset things. Especially if, at some point, I decide that I'm more female again.   Any coming out advice, folks? I need some. Thanks :)
    929 Posted by Sander Mason
  • 24 Aug 2015
    I was walking down the sidewalk outside of a music store when the thought suddenly hit me. "I should be a guy." Born a female, I was never a "typical" girl. At two years old, I had bristly stitches in my upper lip and proudly declared that I had "whiskers like Daddy." At five yeras old, I was Mickey Mouse for Halloween and played Han Solo in Make-believe Land. At seven years old, I told my parents that I'd get married in tux and wanted swim trunks instead of "girl" bathing suits. Until puberty, I told my parents: "I want to be a boy." The thoughts went away by the age of eleven, which is when my mental conditions arrived. I never felt like I was right, that something was wrong with me, and my self-loathing led to some unpleasantries. The only time that I felt happy and comfortable was in the theatre. I worked in the theatre for five years...always playing male roles. The theatre saved my life.   At seventeen, I was eight hours away from my family and anyone who knew me. I changed my name from "Brooke" to "Shelly" to start my life over, become who I really was. Just get comfortable with myself. I began to dress more masculine and fell in love with a girl. So, I came out as a lesbian. It made sense to me. Why I never felt comfortable as "Brooke." Two months ago, I watched a film called "Tomboy." (Great film, by the way) It's about a ten year old girl who poses as a boy. I grew uncomfortable during the film, seeing literally some of my very behaviors in this girl. It made me think. Too much. I panicked, questioning my gender for the first time since I was a child. I wrote it off as an isolated incident. Until the sidewalk. Part of me believes that I am gender fluid or merely a VERY butch lesbian. Yet, I think of myself as a man and it feels like I've always been that way. I've dressed in drag (such as in my picture) and it feels right. I've imagined myself as a man for ages, but I'm resisting. I fought so hard to admit that I was gay, after all. So, after running from being "straight" as a woman, I get uneasy at the idea of being a *straight* man. That word. "Straight." It carries such clout. However, after all these months of questioning, I went to a baseball game last night. (It was a slaughter, seriously, the pitching was just awful and the outfield---I digress) As I sat on the third base line, a different thought suddenly hit me. "Yep. I'm a man. No doubt." Thus, though I'm dealing with some doubts, I can honestly say that I'm a man. I have named myself "Sander" and purposely gone to Starbucks just to say my name aloud and see it written on a cup. So, I'm easing into this and I am easing into myself. Just as when we least expect life decisions, we can never expect when we find ourselves. Dear sidewalk,Thanks.With love,Sander
    855 Posted by Sander Mason
984 views Aug 29, 2015
Ending the Isolation

"Isolation" is a word that everyone knows. Everyone has experienced its definition. It's not just being alone or feeling lonely. It is about feeling cut-off and misplaced. Unable to reach out, or being slighted when we do. In a phrase, it is this: feeling like we don't belong. Anywhere.

 

I thought that I would share my story of isolation...and my leap of faith to overcome it.

 

My entire past is filled with instances of isolation. As a child, I never fit in with the other girls. The boys did not want to hang out with a girl. Caught in this grey area, I managed to make several "nerd" pals. They were all great guys and we got along well. Until they got older and realized that, oh dear, I was a girl.

 

I left public school at the age of twelve due to severe medical problems. My parents enrolled me in a special private school. It was half homeschooling and half classroom time. The entire school had twenty students. Yes, you have read that correctly. Twenty students in the entire school. This was a one room school house located above a strip mall. I despised it. I was almost happy to lose touch with them and my elementary school friends.

 

This is how any story goes. We meet people, become friends – not always by choice, and then life happens. We lose touch with others, even if they are important to us. Time and distance wreak havoc on relationships. This is especially true if the friendships were never strong. The connections that I made with people were superficial at best. I never knew how to get closer to people, unless I happened to be dating them.

 

It's hard for me to make friends in real life, as I don't what to say or how to act. I feel uncomfortable in my skin and can't figure out how to convey who I am. Awkwardness, I presumed. Just an awkward person. But, the truth is that I was never all right with my identity. I felt like I was living a lie. Honestly, I always have felt that way. It never really made sense to me why.

 

My past is riddled with hard times. I had to grow up very quickly, which makes it hard to be around people my own age from time to time. This is part of my inability to relate well to others, but a lot of my difficult times came from hating myself. Not believing that I was “right” in some shape or form. Being a lesbian made me see that I am different than many people. Cringing at someone calling me “ma’am” makes me realize it even more.

FTM Gender Fluid. That’s not an identity that people meet everyday.

 

In my real life, I have very few friends. I have only told one person about me, and I really cannot risk telling many others. As I’ve said in previous posts, I live with my family at the moment. Pretending to be all right, feeling this isolation, hiding who I am—it’s becoming unbearable. So, I’m turning to technology.

 

I left social media a long time ago due to being cyberstalked, but this was long before I discovered myself. Now, I can rejoin the cyberlife to make connections and be who I truly am. I have a Skype now. A Twitter. YouTube, for my music uploads. I’m on this lovely site, EmptyClosets, and the Transgender Guide. (I’ll be starting a personal blog on that one at some point) And, I’m going to get a Facebook today or tomorrow.

 

Putting myself out there is scary for me. I’m an introvert by nature, and part of me is paranoid that my family will find out somehow. But, I can’t do this anymore. The stress and depression of living with my family in a reserved suburb without being myself…it’s damaging. It really is. It’s time to take that leap of faith.

 

So, thanks to everyone on here. Your stories give me hope that things will work out, that it will be okay, and that I can ride the wave until I’m ready to take the next steps.

 

Here’s to hoping that “isolation” will be just a word in my vocabulary, not the definition of my world.



Comments

1 comment
  • Sami Brown
    Sami Brown I am very introverted too! What I feel has helped me a lot is to force myself to talk to sales clerks while checking out. It is a real confidence booster when first trying to overcome the introversion, so I wanted to share something that has worked well for me.
    August 30, 2015 - Report