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Kris McKinley 's Entries

17 blogs
  • 29 Mar 2019
    Hello, it's been a little while since I last posted. I've recently been approved of getting T-shots from my endocrinologist, but I'm still having some doubts on whether they'll be helpful or not. For those who don't know, I have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) so I'm a little worried once I take these a part of me will think I look even uglier? I'm really hoping that's not the case, but is it really worth the risk and money? I just can't decide... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. In all honesty... I'd rather be an "ugly" male than an attractive female, but... I still worry about how I'll react to the results. 
    808 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Hello, it's been a little while since I last posted. I've recently been approved of getting T-shots from my endocrinologist, but I'm still having some doubts on whether they'll be helpful or not. For those who don't know, I have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) so I'm a little worried once I take these a part of me will think I look even uglier? I'm really hoping that's not the case, but is it really worth the risk and money? I just can't decide... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. In all honesty... I'd rather be an "ugly" male than an attractive female, but... I still worry about how I'll react to the results. 
    Mar 29, 2019 808
  • 11 Jan 2019
    Hello everyone, I don't know if you remember me since it's been so long lol. I'm glad to be back though! I'm still in the writing business! I'm working on some things now and my current project is about a recurring nightmare I recently had. It's about me visiting myself as a male teenager and basically, what happens is it's a parallel universe so everybody is completely different! I want to share this with the world, but the problem is... In the dream my female self and male self argue over who's life is better and who has it easier... I grew up in a very sexist household, unfortunately, but I also definitely had gender dysphoria. Since the age of 2, I tried to stand when urinating, wanted to be called "he", and even gave myself multiple UTI's from ignoring that part of my body time and time again wanting to believe I "should have a penis like dad". Still, my 2 selves arguing whose life is easier comes off as sexist it seems... Should I really share this nightmare? If I do, should I not call the character trans? I have a story in mind that includes a childhood like mine already so I really just want this story to be about the nightmare alone, but I see people commenting "This is not gender dysphoria, it's just sexism" when they see what it's about. Any advice? It feels good to be back and I don't mind skipping this piece of work if it isn't good.
    816 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Hello everyone, I don't know if you remember me since it's been so long lol. I'm glad to be back though! I'm still in the writing business! I'm working on some things now and my current project is about a recurring nightmare I recently had. It's about me visiting myself as a male teenager and basically, what happens is it's a parallel universe so everybody is completely different! I want to share this with the world, but the problem is... In the dream my female self and male self argue over who's life is better and who has it easier... I grew up in a very sexist household, unfortunately, but I also definitely had gender dysphoria. Since the age of 2, I tried to stand when urinating, wanted to be called "he", and even gave myself multiple UTI's from ignoring that part of my body time and time again wanting to believe I "should have a penis like dad". Still, my 2 selves arguing whose life is easier comes off as sexist it seems... Should I really share this nightmare? If I do, should I not call the character trans? I have a story in mind that includes a childhood like mine already so I really just want this story to be about the nightmare alone, but I see people commenting "This is not gender dysphoria, it's just sexism" when they see what it's about. Any advice? It feels good to be back and I don't mind skipping this piece of work if it isn't good.
    Jan 11, 2019 816
  • 18 Dec 2017
    Hey everyone, wow, it's been a while since I was last on here. Not a whole lot new besides seeing a new counselor, but finally, this one is specialized in gender reassignment surgery and has many transgender patients so I'm glad to finally be seeing one. What I wanted to bring up was my book, actually. I've been talking with my counselor about it and it's based on myself and what happened between a friend and I for those who don't know. I'm a little unsure about how to end the story, to be honest. See, my counselor says I have both qualifications for gender identity AND Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I wanted to end my story with my character getting the sex change and having a happy ending, but hearing that I have both... Well, supposedly, that's rare or not even possible? I don't really want to wait around until I have a final diagnosis to write this story and figured I have two or three options on endings for this story...   Ending 1: MC loses their best and only friend, gets the sex change, ultimately accepts themselves as transsexual happily. Ending 2: Same as above except the MC does NOT get sex change and is diagnosed with both GID and BDD and has more of a open ending. Ending 3: Same as above once again but MC learns they have BDD and only wanted to be a man because their father made being a woman seem so inferior and horrible.    I know ending three can come off as offensive so I probably shouldn't go with it, right? It's something my mom has told me time and time again and now even my counselor is telling me how my father seems to have had such a big impact on who I am today... I believe I will always see myself as trans because I've felt like a guy for so long, but I can't deny that what my father has said about women hasn't helped me want to be a woman at all. Please let me know what ending you think I should pick as this story is only meant to be based on myself, not 100% accurate so really, any ending could work.
    1118 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Hey everyone, wow, it's been a while since I was last on here. Not a whole lot new besides seeing a new counselor, but finally, this one is specialized in gender reassignment surgery and has many transgender patients so I'm glad to finally be seeing one. What I wanted to bring up was my book, actually. I've been talking with my counselor about it and it's based on myself and what happened between a friend and I for those who don't know. I'm a little unsure about how to end the story, to be honest. See, my counselor says I have both qualifications for gender identity AND Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I wanted to end my story with my character getting the sex change and having a happy ending, but hearing that I have both... Well, supposedly, that's rare or not even possible? I don't really want to wait around until I have a final diagnosis to write this story and figured I have two or three options on endings for this story...   Ending 1: MC loses their best and only friend, gets the sex change, ultimately accepts themselves as transsexual happily. Ending 2: Same as above except the MC does NOT get sex change and is diagnosed with both GID and BDD and has more of a open ending. Ending 3: Same as above once again but MC learns they have BDD and only wanted to be a man because their father made being a woman seem so inferior and horrible.    I know ending three can come off as offensive so I probably shouldn't go with it, right? It's something my mom has told me time and time again and now even my counselor is telling me how my father seems to have had such a big impact on who I am today... I believe I will always see myself as trans because I've felt like a guy for so long, but I can't deny that what my father has said about women hasn't helped me want to be a woman at all. Please let me know what ending you think I should pick as this story is only meant to be based on myself, not 100% accurate so really, any ending could work.
    Dec 18, 2017 1118
  • 18 Jul 2017
    Been a while since I've blogged/ranted on here, but figure this is probably the best place to say this. I've been sort of halfway out for a while now meaning I've told my mom I'm transgender and cut my hair short, but I still can't tell my dad. For those who don't know, I come from a very religious (Baptist) family so getting a sex change is pretty much the worst sin I could possibly commit besides killing myself according to my parents and what I've been brought up to believe. (Not saying I agree that it's wrong). I keep trying to come out further and talk about taking T-shots, but whenever I do, my mom suddenly goes backwards and gets embarrassed by the whole idea. She says she's supportive and wouldn't disown me, but she has the hardest time calling me her son and won't let go that I once dated guys in middle school. (I've told her being gay and trans are not the same thing, but she still brings it up). I just can't help but wonder and worry how much worse my dad will be and a part of me, in all honesty, thinks if I were to never get the change and just "tough this out" he'd actually be proud of me for once in my life. I know, that sounds really dramatic, but I've been trying to get him to not look at me as a "disappointment" pretty much all my life and having Asperger's hasn't helped. For those who don't know, I am trying to self-publish and become an author. I plan on writing a story called Obsession and it's based on me and something that happened. I will also be talking about being transgender and how my relationship with my dad is/was in this story. The reason I bring this up - I worry if I don't take T-shots and get the change, the trans community and others who read my book won't see me as a serious transgender? Part of me wonders if I should wait till I'm old and my parents are gone to be completely honest... Not sure what I'm going to do, but any support or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.
    884 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Been a while since I've blogged/ranted on here, but figure this is probably the best place to say this. I've been sort of halfway out for a while now meaning I've told my mom I'm transgender and cut my hair short, but I still can't tell my dad. For those who don't know, I come from a very religious (Baptist) family so getting a sex change is pretty much the worst sin I could possibly commit besides killing myself according to my parents and what I've been brought up to believe. (Not saying I agree that it's wrong). I keep trying to come out further and talk about taking T-shots, but whenever I do, my mom suddenly goes backwards and gets embarrassed by the whole idea. She says she's supportive and wouldn't disown me, but she has the hardest time calling me her son and won't let go that I once dated guys in middle school. (I've told her being gay and trans are not the same thing, but she still brings it up). I just can't help but wonder and worry how much worse my dad will be and a part of me, in all honesty, thinks if I were to never get the change and just "tough this out" he'd actually be proud of me for once in my life. I know, that sounds really dramatic, but I've been trying to get him to not look at me as a "disappointment" pretty much all my life and having Asperger's hasn't helped. For those who don't know, I am trying to self-publish and become an author. I plan on writing a story called Obsession and it's based on me and something that happened. I will also be talking about being transgender and how my relationship with my dad is/was in this story. The reason I bring this up - I worry if I don't take T-shots and get the change, the trans community and others who read my book won't see me as a serious transgender? Part of me wonders if I should wait till I'm old and my parents are gone to be completely honest... Not sure what I'm going to do, but any support or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.
    Jul 18, 2017 884
  • 17 Sep 2016
    How is everybody doing? I just felt the need to rant a bit (again lol). I think I mentioned how my dad and I got dumbells so I could start lifting and I was wondering since he bought them if maybe he was accepting me (not really what this is about). I've been looking at workouts online and of course wishing I could look like these huge guys (knowing I could never get THAT big). Problem is, I read that it's a myth that if a girl lifts weights they'll get bulky. So, that means no matter how much I lift, I can't get bulky at all because I'm a girl on the outside? Just more disappointment if it's true, but then again, I guess it just means I have to do more than just lift. (Like T-shots or something). 
    1037 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • How is everybody doing? I just felt the need to rant a bit (again lol). I think I mentioned how my dad and I got dumbells so I could start lifting and I was wondering since he bought them if maybe he was accepting me (not really what this is about). I've been looking at workouts online and of course wishing I could look like these huge guys (knowing I could never get THAT big). Problem is, I read that it's a myth that if a girl lifts weights they'll get bulky. So, that means no matter how much I lift, I can't get bulky at all because I'm a girl on the outside? Just more disappointment if it's true, but then again, I guess it just means I have to do more than just lift. (Like T-shots or something). 
    Sep 17, 2016 1037
  • 31 Aug 2016
    How's everybody doing today(night)? I just felt like blogging and thought I'd share that I finally got myself to practice driving and get comfortable behind the wheel of a car. I actually steered better than I thought I would so I'm hoping it just gets easier from here. If you read my recent blogs, you'll know how nervous I was about driving so I'm just glad that I actually got behind the wheel at all lol. So that's the good news. The bad news is even though I thought my mom was on board with me being trans... Well, I'm still getting arguments that are making me feel guilty. I recently brought up to her how I feel so backstabbed and how easy it would've been for God to have made me the right gender if he could do no wrong and her reply was along the lines of since I said that I think I know better than God... Talks like these make it all the more difficult to stay a Christian in all honesty (just saying). If anything, all I meant was I'd really like some answers. Something I've wondered from a Christian point of view: Was I born a female (even though I should've been male) just to test my faith? Sorry to bring this up again, but I just had to let that out along with the good news because it just seems a one step forward and two steps back sort of thing sometimes.
    1069 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • How's everybody doing today(night)? I just felt like blogging and thought I'd share that I finally got myself to practice driving and get comfortable behind the wheel of a car. I actually steered better than I thought I would so I'm hoping it just gets easier from here. If you read my recent blogs, you'll know how nervous I was about driving so I'm just glad that I actually got behind the wheel at all lol. So that's the good news. The bad news is even though I thought my mom was on board with me being trans... Well, I'm still getting arguments that are making me feel guilty. I recently brought up to her how I feel so backstabbed and how easy it would've been for God to have made me the right gender if he could do no wrong and her reply was along the lines of since I said that I think I know better than God... Talks like these make it all the more difficult to stay a Christian in all honesty (just saying). If anything, all I meant was I'd really like some answers. Something I've wondered from a Christian point of view: Was I born a female (even though I should've been male) just to test my faith? Sorry to bring this up again, but I just had to let that out along with the good news because it just seems a one step forward and two steps back sort of thing sometimes.
    Aug 31, 2016 1069
  • 11 Aug 2016
    Hello everyone, it's me again. Not sure I'd consider this a rant or just talking. I recently bought some weights for lifting which I've been planning to do for a while. Thing is, my dad went with me and bought them for me. He also seemed more than happy to get them. I can't tell if he realises why I got them, but at the same time with all the steps I've taken (getting a haircut, getting weights, etc.) I would think it'd be obvious, but at the same time I'm not sure he fully believes I'm transgender (or bigender) yet. I said this before, but the one time I brought the subject up to him, he wouldn't answer me as far as if he'd disown me if I was this way or not. I think it should also be said that when I got my hair cut, I told my dad I saw myself being single my whole life... I'm not sure if he realises gender and sexuality are different meaning even if I am going to stay single, I'm still going to try to look like my male self. Not sure exactly why I'm saying all this, but I guess I just had to vent and maybe it's about time I tried to tell my dad again.
    1122 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Hello everyone, it's me again. Not sure I'd consider this a rant or just talking. I recently bought some weights for lifting which I've been planning to do for a while. Thing is, my dad went with me and bought them for me. He also seemed more than happy to get them. I can't tell if he realises why I got them, but at the same time with all the steps I've taken (getting a haircut, getting weights, etc.) I would think it'd be obvious, but at the same time I'm not sure he fully believes I'm transgender (or bigender) yet. I said this before, but the one time I brought the subject up to him, he wouldn't answer me as far as if he'd disown me if I was this way or not. I think it should also be said that when I got my hair cut, I told my dad I saw myself being single my whole life... I'm not sure if he realises gender and sexuality are different meaning even if I am going to stay single, I'm still going to try to look like my male self. Not sure exactly why I'm saying all this, but I guess I just had to vent and maybe it's about time I tried to tell my dad again.
    Aug 11, 2016 1122
  • 02 Aug 2016
    Just feeling the need to rant after realizing it's already August. (Time flies after high school). I told myself this would be the Summer I learn or at least start to learn to drive. Yes, I'm 25 and still have this horrible fear of driving. I am a nervous/paranoid person and for those who don't know, I have Asperger's Syndrome. The reason for the title of this blog is because I'm not driving, I constantly battle this gender male stereotype in my head... Telling me things like "What kind of man doesn't drive a car?" "Men love cars so you have to drive!" "Men drive better than women so if you drive badly, YOU are a woman." I absolutely despise this voice in my head and I've brought it up a coulple times how I've been brought up and had to battle sexist beliefs. I'm so nervous to actually get behind the wheel... I keep telling myself (despite that stupid voice) that just because I'm not a driver (yet) doesn't make me less of a man. Still, I hate having this phobia and really hope to overcome it this month. PS: I know men don't drive better than women, but it's something my father ALWAYS said to me growing up and now it's just something that automatically pops up in my head when I try to drive. It really sucks. 
    1237 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Just feeling the need to rant after realizing it's already August. (Time flies after high school). I told myself this would be the Summer I learn or at least start to learn to drive. Yes, I'm 25 and still have this horrible fear of driving. I am a nervous/paranoid person and for those who don't know, I have Asperger's Syndrome. The reason for the title of this blog is because I'm not driving, I constantly battle this gender male stereotype in my head... Telling me things like "What kind of man doesn't drive a car?" "Men love cars so you have to drive!" "Men drive better than women so if you drive badly, YOU are a woman." I absolutely despise this voice in my head and I've brought it up a coulple times how I've been brought up and had to battle sexist beliefs. I'm so nervous to actually get behind the wheel... I keep telling myself (despite that stupid voice) that just because I'm not a driver (yet) doesn't make me less of a man. Still, I hate having this phobia and really hope to overcome it this month. PS: I know men don't drive better than women, but it's something my father ALWAYS said to me growing up and now it's just something that automatically pops up in my head when I try to drive. It really sucks. 
    Aug 02, 2016 1237
  • 26 Jul 2016
    How's everyone doing? I was just looking at pictures of people that got top surgery online and am wondering if it's really going to work for me... Anyone on here that got the surgery recommend it and completely satisfied with their results? I thought about chest binding, but I really wanted to just get rid of my breasts completely considering chest binding can be dangerous anyway. (I tend to be a paranoid person so I wonder if I went with chest binding, if I'd always worry about lumps). Problem is, I'm just not sure if I'll feel "real" enough with the top surgery after looking at the pics. Any advice/input is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
    1068 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • How's everyone doing? I was just looking at pictures of people that got top surgery online and am wondering if it's really going to work for me... Anyone on here that got the surgery recommend it and completely satisfied with their results? I thought about chest binding, but I really wanted to just get rid of my breasts completely considering chest binding can be dangerous anyway. (I tend to be a paranoid person so I wonder if I went with chest binding, if I'd always worry about lumps). Problem is, I'm just not sure if I'll feel "real" enough with the top surgery after looking at the pics. Any advice/input is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
    Jul 26, 2016 1068
  • 27 Jun 2016
    Didn't think I'd be blogging again already, but I need to vent about something. It may be TMI though so fair warning. I just got back from the gynecologist and had a bit of a struggle with something I found out I had recently. It's called Vaginismus. For those who do not know, it's basically sexual dysfunction for girls. The reason I'm bringing it up here is because I feel like I gave this to myself by telling myself over the years that I am really a man in a woman's body and should NOT be penetrated. After researching, I learned that girls who are not trans have this condition, but I still can't help feeling like I did this to myself because ultimately this is a mental thing that manifested into a physical condition... A lot of the time people with vaginismus have been sexually abused, but I have not... I really don't feel like I should be seeing a gynecologist in the first place since I feel like a man anyway. I'm sorry if this is tmi, but I just had to vent. Getting tired of these gyno visits gone wrong. 
    1140 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Didn't think I'd be blogging again already, but I need to vent about something. It may be TMI though so fair warning. I just got back from the gynecologist and had a bit of a struggle with something I found out I had recently. It's called Vaginismus. For those who do not know, it's basically sexual dysfunction for girls. The reason I'm bringing it up here is because I feel like I gave this to myself by telling myself over the years that I am really a man in a woman's body and should NOT be penetrated. After researching, I learned that girls who are not trans have this condition, but I still can't help feeling like I did this to myself because ultimately this is a mental thing that manifested into a physical condition... A lot of the time people with vaginismus have been sexually abused, but I have not... I really don't feel like I should be seeing a gynecologist in the first place since I feel like a man anyway. I'm sorry if this is tmi, but I just had to vent. Getting tired of these gyno visits gone wrong. 
    Jun 27, 2016 1140