Can't let go

• Posted by Kris McKinley August 31, 2015 #ftm real man love lust jealousy  836 views
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  Okay, this is kind of hard for me to say/explain, but I am a writer/animator and I plan on making a story about this someday as a message to this person so I figured I'd tell my story on here...

  As I mentioned a bit in a blog I've always felt like I should be a man and am only every once in a great while okay with being gender neutral (just ok, never happy). Growing up I never really had an attraction to guys either, but I dated some to try to convince myself I could be happy as a straight female. (Feel guilty for that now b/c what must those guys think)? Anyway, there was this guy I met online on Myspace. Way back when lol. He was 13 and I was 15. He had a girlfriend at the time and I had a strange attraction to him which was weird for me. I also mentioned this before, but I come from a religious family so at the time I told myself maybe I just finally found the one guy I was meant to be with/attracted to after all so I dont "give in" to this lifestyle. We became closer than I had ever been with anyone else... I haven't had many friends since I also have Asperger's syndrome and am quite shy... He even told me I was as close to him as his friends he knew in person and confided in me as well. The third year of us talking he did become single, but he told me he didn't want to date because he didn't want to ruin the close friendship we had.... I continued to try to date guys, but was only ever attracted to girls and him. Going on our 5th year of talking he told me something he hadn't told any of his friends yet or parents. That he was bisexual. At first this didn't bother me at all, I was really happy and explained what I was going through as well. In the back of my mind however, I wondered if once he dated a guy, would he go back to girls...? Turns out my fear came true and he told me later he was lying... He never liked girls... I told him that I felt like a man on the inside, but he said it would never be enough and we could never be together... This completely ruined us sadly and I really didn't mean for it to.... I never held it against him that he was gay... I was always just jealous and angry/bitter at life for not giving me the "right body".... I just hope if someday I do share my side with him tht he'll understand that it wasn't him, it was me.... I mean, he always got mad/offended towards me, but I wasn't trying to do that. =( I just didn't understand why things had to turn out that way... It definitely didn't help that the back of my mind just kept telling me over and over "If only you had the right plumbing, you'd be dating him, but instead only real men can have him! You'll never be good enough!"I just felt the need to vent/tell my story even though it is kind of hard to tell, but I'm sorry if it is offensive to anyone on here. I'm not really sure I'll ever get over not being real enough.. If anyone has any input/advice please let me know.