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Listless Reflections upon Curious Dejection

  • To my beloved society members...

    I lay alone late at night in a darkened apartment in a silent town. It was another hot summer day, but not unbearably destitute this time. It felt like an empty day though. I finished some weekend work late Monday night and went out to work for the majority of the day today, Tuesday. When I came home, time was in abundance for a change. I’m not used to having breaks really. Due to my previous job, I’ve become so accustomed to working all the time over the last few years that there would be weeks, months, whole semesters where breaks were far and in between. Countless days of broken sleep, random cat naps, nearly sleepwalking or driving off the road became pillars of my existence, but whenever I had weekends or holidays, I would just zonk out for an entire day… or longer. Having a chance to break has always been such a release and relief.

    Today, I couldn’t feel that release or relief. I felt restless even after keeping busy for over eight straight hours before getting home. I had a nice lunch which seemed to energize me even further, but it was the kind of anxious energy that is neither welcome nor wanted. I tried to dance it off, but that just made me sweaty enough to merit a cold shower. The sheen was noticeably reflective off of my ivory skin in the full length mirror, but it didn’t feel like a time to admire the slightly magnificent sight. Even though it’s cool inside, summer activity has a way of relentlessly drawing heat inside. It started getting darker and I still hadn’t found a source for relief. I felt almost anhedonic, listless, dejected. I wanted to talk to someone… especially considering what I feel to be one of the most isolating realizations that I’ve discovered about myself this year, but my roommate’s bedroom has long been abandoned. When he was here, he was always up for a pep talk. Even though, sometimes, he didn’t know me. A lot of times, even I didn’t know me. I had some friends through school, but I haven’t really seen them since graduation over two months ago. I even met some new ones over the summer, but they’ve also ceased friendly contact when the first summer semester ended. To say that I have problems attracting people or keeping people in my life is a monumental understatement.

    So I lay here, in capitulation to the circumstances of the night. I don’t even feel the anxiety that is normally present, but just a slight tension in the air. It’s just an empty night, which is very unusual for me. For some reasons, all of the distractions in the world provide no sense of comfort or security as they often have for me… because I want to talk to someone. Nobody is here though or in my apartment’s secondary bedroom or in this quaint, slumbering town. It’s a double-edged dilemma however because even if someone was here, the isolation might be satiated but could I talk to them about these thoughts? How could I without potentially alienating myself from those who may believe that our views about our identity are delusional? Who can truly sympathize with a concept beyond their realm of understanding? But for me, what difference would it make alienating myself from the friends I’ve had who hardly knew me or who seemed to gently, conveniently, and surreptitiously neglect to include me in just about anything fun? Not being invited to parties or asked out on a date or even out for a coffee, which I don’t drink, is still hurtful in a passive way. I wanted to believe that it wasn’t because I was different in any noticeably observable gender-related way, but…

    In my heart, I seemed to intrinsically accept my unique existence yet was always severely off the mark in terms of relating to anyone in any way. In my mirror, fully disrobed, I have pondered the anatomical suggestion and can see the implication. Am I imagining this, I wonder? Why do I look so… womanly? Inside, I was too stern in developing my personality because I was born (or cursed perhaps) with a heightened sensitivity and delicate sensibility. I interpreted so many things as being too harsh or too much for me. I didn’t understand, furthermore, how these were all staples or defining elements of everyone else’s every day existence, and I could observe over time how they shaped others’ personalities and perceptions of life. Why was I so averse to these aspects of living that are so commonplace to others though? Was I weak? Am I a coward? Why can’t I fight back instead of being afraid of physical or verbal rebuttals? I always hold my tongue which will hurt me later upon reflection, but they are always better at being obliquely cruel and living with it. When I don’t, I am immediately put down or cannot abide the accompanying guilt for hurting someone in such a potently emotional way. Why do I become flustered in trying to explain myself when others ask or criticize? Certain types of popular music, any type of illicit behavior, all types of recreational drugs, relatively loud/rowdy atmospheres, etc. have very little bearing upon my life. As a result, I’m like an extraterrestrial, something not of this world. I thought it was enlightening being me for a long time, but… my ultimate vision of myself demanded that I cross the gender boundary to accomplish some rather extreme mandates. When I started deeply contemplating why this might be, I knew it was because I had to make a choice. More than anything though, I’ve simply grown weary and exhausted from the extreme isolation that comes from being… whatever I’ve become.

    Oh dear… I am finally started to doze off now. Putting my thoughts into words has a way of soothing my nerves, but opening up makes me feel one step closer to the potential of connecting to someone, in some way. I love you all. Sweet dreams and good night…

    Yours truly,

    Dana

    X


Comments

3 comments
  • Donna V
    Donna V Hi Dana, just a thought and feeling ,Take some long slow deep breaths,Think about the simple Phrase "First ,Feel what I want to be". take some more slow deep breaths and then dwell on the thought "Be what I want to feel".-Put on your most casual ,simple...  more
    July 27, 2016 - 1 likes this
  • Donna V
    Donna V Hi Dana, somewhere along the line every Transgendered person who calls themselves a Transexual as I believe you do here.-has to make that step to connect with a medical specialist that can help you deal with Gender Dysphoria.I am not familiar with the hea...  more
    July 28, 2016 - 1 likes this
  • Dana L.
    Dana L. Yes, I am looking forward to seeing someone once I finally get myself settled after relocating. There are no specialists in this area, but I've already found a few close to where I should be moving. I'd like to share my experiences with her here so that o...  more
    July 28, 2016