She's gone, and it feels like she's lost too

• Posted by Rachel de Blanc May 7, 2016 #coming out at work  1,086 views
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  Hi

  A few months ago I think I discretely referred to a new colleague that had joined my workplace. What was evident to me (no doubt to others too as I'm no Sherlock Holmes) was that this person was Transgendered. I was delighted to receive correspondence from my employer that confirmed that this new colleague was indeed Transgendered and that She was from the following Monday asking to be referred to with her correct female pronoun. I sent a supportive email to this person and was momentarily concerned that it may identify me as more that an supportive colleague. This is because I am probably best described as a self-centred egotistical bitch, but I'm happy with that description because it concludes with the word 'bitch'.. Anyhow, I am letting the Cabernet Sauvignon to my right inform too much of what I am indeed writing, so I'll continue.

  I am very sorry to say that my colleague - to whom I did not come out but I who hope I offered courtesy, familiarity and a little friendship has now left the office. I am told that her departure is entirely upon professional grounds but I am not of course clear of the concerns raised by our employer or of the grounds that led to my colleagues departure. I hope she recovers from this set-back and flourishes elsewhere.

  Why do I raise this here? Well, I am ashamed that I did not take the valuable opportunity to engage with her whilst we were colleagues. I suspect that she would have welcomed the support during a very difficult time. I didn't of course because I'm that self-centred egotist that I have referred to previously, but also because I am too scared to come out. I also raise it here to salute her (salute seems a very masculine term, so perhaps embrace is better) as she probably undertook one of the bravest things I have ever witnessed. But I raise it here because I feel that I watched a woman desperate to proclaim her feminity and watched an almost teenage lack of self-awareness with respect to the clothes that she choose to wear at work. Transitioning amongest new work colleagues is tricky enough, but challenges wardrobe choices that scream emphatically 'I'm a woman' might have just tipped our employer over the edge. 

  My recommendation (I have no professional standing here and no experience to draw from so dismiss the following immediately) is that it might be better to surpress the desire to flaunt your feminity within your workspace until at least six months into your transition or until all colleagues have forgotten who you are and are judging you by what you do. Yes sisters, this is as far from a feminist statement as you are likely to read, and of course who should define what we wear or how we communicate ourselves, but sadly even the most tolerant and accommodating employer might become alarmed by overt expressionism.

  I hope, I'm sorry for her as I type this, that there was a real professional reason why she moved on, and that her transition was absolutely irrelevant. I hope this because I work for a great company and look up to the standards they set. I fear that the reality here is that acceptable boundaries were pushed by short skirts and exhuberant feminity and that ultimately my employer couldn't sustain the support. 

  Returning to me - because as a self-centred egotistical bitch I am honoured to do so, I wish I had given her a hug and talked to her as both a colleague and a friend. I suspect that I may have found a confidant and someone who understands.

  Rachel