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  • Topic: Really rough time

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    • December 15, 2016 8:36 PM GMT
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      This is going to sound fictitious but it actually happened. The fact that it was allowed to happen is a crime. Years ago I came out to my family, started transitioning and lived daily as a woman. I took anti testosterone drugs and female hormones. I was coerced/forced into returning back to living as a male. I stopped HRT and had breast reduction surgery to "undo" everything. As part of that process I had regular hypnotherapy to supress my femininity as well as extremely strong medications. In 2008 I ended up in a coma because of the doctor involved over did the medication. When i came to i had severe memory problems and partial amnesia. A lot of my memory still hasn't come back and a lot of it was filled in by others who knew me up until that point. After that I stopped seeing that doctor. Over time the feelings of my body not matching my spirit returned as well. In 2009 I met my wife after my mom passed away from a stroke. My father, the biggest reason for all of what happened occurred passed after complications from heart surgery.

       

      Anyway, today I still very much live in a man's world outwardly day to day. I've only come out to a few people about Cynthia. Partly because I was still trying to figure out who she was and for my wife's sake. The first person I came out to this time was my wife. She was diagnosed with ALS 18 months ago. ALS has ravaged her body and very soon she will be leaving this world, she won't make it through the weekend. She has been so supportive and helpful with Cynthia's emerging. We would shop for clothes, makeup, hair products, whatever Cynthia wanted or needed. I will truly miss her when she passes on. We also decided that I could transition some but not fully while we were still together. She would also get angry if she saw too much of Cynthia and not all of the person she married.

       

      Because my wife will be passing soon we've been hosting a lot of her family and friends as well as support workers coming and going. Her family and friends so that they can say goodbye while she is still here. They know nothing of Cynthia so she's has had to hide inside me for most of December. With the funeral arangements and holiday season coming up she won't get out much afterwards either. So, I'm a wreck dealing with my wife dying, her friends and family as well as hating that I haven't truly been able to express my inner me. I really just want to tell everybody to leave us alone or breakdown and cry. Neither is an opition though and it's been really tough to keep going this week. 

    • December 16, 2016 1:21 AM GMT
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      Wow, I can't begin to try to unravel your past and relate it to your current situation, but for sure, now is not the time for "Cynthia" to emerge. The fact you took such drastic measures to "un-do" your initial transition, plus your subsequent marriage, should give you pause to seek help to find out where you are really at. Your wife needs you now, "Cynthia" can wait.....
    • December 16, 2016 1:22 AM GMT
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      Wow, I can't begin to try to unravel your past and relate it to your current situation, but for sure, now is not the time for "Cynthia" to emerge. The fact you took such drastic measures to "un-do" your initial transition, plus your subsequent marriage, should give you pause to seek help to find out where you are really at. Your wife needs you now, "Cynthia" can wait.....
    • December 16, 2016 4:47 AM GMT
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      As I tried to say is that the idea of reversing everything wasn't what I wanted. My doctor at the time had me very heavily medicated and I was in a really bad situation. So between her and my family I was convinced I made a horrible woman and I should never have started transitioning. The things done to reverse things were all this doctor's idea.

       

      Coming out as Cynthia will wait and I will stay in the closet. I will continue to be who my wife needs through this time. Even after she passes away I will take more time to make sure that this is the right decision for me and what I really want. That it is not just a rash decision to deal with grief. I don't believe it is as the feelings that I was born with the wrong body were there much longer than I started dating my wife. I miss being able to do the things that I was able to before my wife's health got so bad because there is always somebody here. Doing them would make things harder for her and that is the last thing I want.

    • January 15, 2017 11:40 AM GMT
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      Bad situations are part of being a girl. There is no magic way to escape problems . Nor start and stop hormones at when u feel like it. I believe the use of hrts should be a permanent decision. And they can cause memory issues. But not really really bad. The hormones change more then just exterior. They work inside you. And even in the brain. This is not an easy road. It takes balls to live it.
    • January 15, 2017 11:45 AM GMT
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      I've had jobs taken from me for being transgender . Did I Gove up being Jennifer. Hell no. I'm still me. No one could change that. I stood my ground eventually a good job came. And I love it. I didn't back down I was asked to detransition. I refused.

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