Joke of the day

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  • 1195
    : Karen
    I haven't heard a Henny Youngman joke for years - brings back memories
    "Take my wife....please."
    hugs
    Gracie
    <p>If it isn't fun - don't do it.</p>
      August 4, 2009 3:40 PM BST
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    2 2627
    I am seeing 8 gentlemen every day..



    As soon as I wake up,

    Will Power helps me get out of bed

    Then I go to see John .

    Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

    When he leaves, Arthur Ritis
    shows up and; stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

    After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with
    Ben Gay. What a life!

    Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer

    and thinking of calling
    JACK DANIELS or
    JOHNNY WALKER to come to keep me company.

    Now remember:
    Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...













    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      August 5, 2009 1:29 PM BST
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    2 2627
    An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      August 6, 2009 12:54 PM BST
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  • Moderator
    2 2627
    Very Short Story

    Man driving down road.
    Woman driving up same road.
    They pass each other.
    The woman yells out the window, PIG!
    Man yells out window, BITCH!
    Man rounds next curve.
    Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

    Thought For the Day:
    If men would just listen
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      August 6, 2009 12:55 PM BST
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  • One day, a farmer was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?

    The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

    "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

    While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 15 Trannie Lane?"

    The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live down that way. I will walk with you." They walked for a while then the farmer said "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley way. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady said, "Hold on a minute! I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't rape me?"

    The farmer said, "Holy ****, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth am I possibly going do that?"

    The little old lady said, "Well... Let's see... You could put the goose down, cover it with the bucket and put the anvil on top of the bucket. Then...
    ... I could hold the chickens."
      August 6, 2009 2:21 PM BST
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  • Okay, I'll take another stab at this...

    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

    How about this...

    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dammit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

    Or maybe this...

    There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was really hot. Unfortunately, he also had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders."

    The blonde then replies "Sounds good to me...but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

    Have a good day, dears!

    Luv 'n hugs,

    Mina
    Living as the woman I am!
      August 6, 2009 10:11 PM BST
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  • Did you know there is so much eostrogen in the water here in London, when you turn the tap on you have to wait 20 minutes before the water comes out, cos its checking its make up and deciding what to wear.
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      August 6, 2009 10:51 PM BST
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    2 2627
    1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter , as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave , the little one said , "But Grandma , you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

    2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was , and I told him , 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment , and then he asked , "Did you start at 1?"

    3. After putting her grandchildren to bed , a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious , her patience grew thin. Finally , she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room , putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room , she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice , "Who was THAT?"

    4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed , taking this all in. At last she said , "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

    5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma , do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said , "No , how are we alike?'' "You're both old , " he replied.

    6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know , " she replied. "I can't read."

    7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet , so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me , so I continued. At last , she headed for the door , saying , "Grandma , I think you should try to figure out some of these , yourself!"

    8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin , we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
    Still , a few fireflies followed us in.
    Noticing them before I did , Billy whispered , "It's no use Grandpa.
    Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

    9. When my grandson asked me how old I was , I teasingly replied , "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear , Grandpa , " he advised , "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

    10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother , "Grandma , guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother , more than a little surprised , tried to keep her cool.
    "That's interesting , " she said , "how do you make babies?"
    "It's simple , " replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

    11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant , " said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure , " said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

    12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back , " said one child. "No , " said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close.” They use the dogs , " she said firmly , "to find the fire hydrants."

    13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.. "Oh , " he said , "she lives at the airport , and when we want her , we just go get her. Then , when we're done having her visit , we take her back to the airport."

    14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things , but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      August 7, 2009 5:36 PM BST
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  • I'm drying up, don't anyone be so crass as to say well get some lube. I meant ideas for jokes.

    A man goes to the doctors with bad migraines, the doctor admitted that he too suffered from excruciating migraines as well, adding when I feel realy bad I go and shag my wife, within minutes the pain passes. The man thanks the doctor and exclaims I will try it.

    A few weeks pass and the man goes back to the doctors complaining of a bad back. The doctor says What a coincidence I too suffer occasionally from a bad back, but thats usually after the migraine and a bout of lovemaking, By the way how is the migraine?

    Oh I took your advice doctor, a good shag soon cleared it up and I must say you do have a beautiful house and an exquisite taste in bed linen.
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      August 13, 2009 8:32 PM BST
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  • Recently a large law firm hired several cannibals to increase their Diversity.

    "You are part of our team now," said the human resources rep during
    the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go
    to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any Employees."

    The cannibals promised they would not.

    Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very
    hard And I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked
    increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our paralegals
    has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

    The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
    others, "Which one of you idiots ate the paralegal?" A hand rose
    hesitantly. "You fool" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've
    been eating attorneys and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOO,
    you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

      August 15, 2009 12:04 PM BST
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  • 1195
    Thanks Marsha - I needed that
    hugs
    Gracie
    <p>If it isn't fun - don't do it.</p>
      August 15, 2009 3:48 PM BST
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  • These Cannibals Marsha, Do they go on self catering holidays and come back legless?

    xxXCristineXxx
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      August 15, 2009 5:22 PM BST
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  • Cris, made an appointment for you at the vets on Wednesday, little birthday gift, your one hell of a sick puppy, but you always make me smile, just being around, luv you heaps

    Cass
      August 16, 2009 11:36 AM BST
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  • ...like the poker playing leper who threw in his hand?

    Rumour has it that NASA's first all-woman space mission will be classified as 'Unmanned Spaceflight'.......


    Lynn
    "It ain't what you do,it's the way that you do it............and that's what gets results!"
      August 16, 2009 3:29 PM BST
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  • Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients to operate on are.

    The first surgeon says,"I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."

    The second responds,"Yeah,but you should try electricians!Everything inside them is colour-coded."

    The third says,"No,I really think librarians are the best since everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in,"You know I like construction workers.Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    The fifth surgeon says,"You're all wrong.Politicians are the easiest to operate on:There's no guts,no heart,no balls,no brain and no spine,and on top of that only two moving parts-the mouth and the backside-and they are interchangeable."


    Lynn
    "It ain't what you do,it's the way that you do it............and that's what gets results!"
      September 13, 2009 6:33 PM BST
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  • Two trannies and a man were cast up onto a dessert Island after a ship was wrecked in a storm at sea, The island was very verdant, plenty of fruit wild vegies and wildlife, some cases of realy expensive wines brandy and other tinned goods were also washed up from the wreck, a large bed and loadsa trunks and cases of clothes, linen and other necceseties for an easy life.

    The Trio settled into an idylic life, spit roasting was on the menu most nights and they indulged in wild abandoned sex parties, after two years of this hedonistic life, suddenly the man became impotent, complete unable to raise so much as a smile. The two trannies were reduced to amusing each other.

    A further two years elapsed and the same fate befell the two trannies. which left them forlorn and sad, frustrated. One morning one of the trannies was walking along the beach and espied an old looking oil lamp, she picked it up and rubbing the sand from it was startled when a Geni appeared. The Geni said you have awoken the spirit of the lamp you are therefore granted 3 wishes, think wisely before you use them. The Tranny said if I use one whish can I give the other two wishes to other people, yes said the Geni, she took the lamp back to the other girl they both decided to make a wish to return to england as they were before the ship wreck, before making their wishes they composed a note to the man explaining the properties of the lamp and they had left him the final wish. The first tranny rubbed the lamp, made her wish,....whoosh she was gone. the lamp fell to the ground, the second tranny picked up the lamp and rubbed it making her wish,...whoosh and she was gone.

    Two days later the man returned to their encampment discovered the note picked up the lamp, not believing his luck, rubbing it, he said to himself its so king lonely here now the two trannies have gone, I wish they were back here and things were back as they were. ....whoooooooooooosh




    Cristine
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      October 20, 2009 9:17 PM BST
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  • UPDATES, anything to add????
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      October 21, 2009 9:36 PM BST
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  • Religous discrimination and the transexual.

    Three nuns, two genetic girls and a transexual nun, (lol) were killed in a car accident.
    At the Gates of heaven, St Peter was head of the reception comitee. Explaining to the three nuns, they had to pass a test to get throught the pearly gates.

    He told the first genetic girl nun, answer these two questions correctly and you enter heaven and get eternal salvation, Give me an example of one of Jesus's miracles, the nun replied, The curing of Lazarus, correct said St Pete, now, give me one more miracle, The nun replied Jesus walking on water. great stuff said St Pete, the gates opened and in went the nun.

    To the second nun he said right two questions for you, give me another two miracles, the nun replied, Jesus turning water into wine and the feeding off the five thousand. Correct said St Pete, the gates opened and in went the nun.

    To the Tranny nun, he said now its your turn, two questions, the first, what did Lazarus have for breakfast the morning after he was cured and name the 5000..

    Erm, erm, ah erm said the nun, wrong!!!!!



    Cristine
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      October 22, 2009 12:49 PM BST
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  • For Traci, lol, this is a joke it did not realy happen, Understood?

    I saw two nuns walking in the park, coming towards me, as they approached, I lifted my skirt, flashed my willy, one nun fainted, the other nun had a stroke,




    she had such a lovely gentle firm touch, lol



    Cristine
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      October 22, 2009 12:57 PM BST
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  • London traffic update

    due to a signal problem on the northern line, underground train services between London Bridge and Bank southbound are subject to severe delays.

    Due to a line side fire, over ground train services between Waterloo and clapham Junction are subject to long delays and cancellations.

    On the Roads.

    The M25 East bound between junction 19 and 20 , bad tail backs streaching 7 miles on all carriagways. due to a multiple pile up just after junction 19.

    The Spaniards Link road and The Hampstead high road, severe delays and tail backs, caused by cars entering and leaving a secret dogging site on the heath itself.

    If your using the short cut, walking across Streatham Common, to get to Streatham Station, severe crowding and conjestion at the gates of the rookery, caused by rubberneckkers gawping at two trannies having sex on a bench

    Cristine





    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      October 29, 2009 7:28 PM GMT
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  • A couple of nights ago, Cass and I went back to the woods where we first had sex, to recapture the moment on the bonnet of a car, After it was all over, she said ''OMG that was great, fantastic, so much better than eight years ago when we first did it''

    I said, ''Yes but the first time my bare arse was'nt pressed down on a red hot bonnet''


    ITS A JOKE Traci, lol

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      November 13, 2009 1:09 PM GMT
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  • LOL...3 weeks later, I finally get it! (smile)

    Keep 'em coming Crissie...you are crazy girl!!!

    Traci
    <p>Traci</p>
      November 13, 2009 2:20 PM GMT
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  • (smile) Am I getting that old that I need help in sorting out the truth from the funny? Personally, I would have moved my bare butt over to the trunk side of the car...not as hot as the hood!

    Traci
    <p>Traci</p>
      November 13, 2009 2:24 PM GMT
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  • Moderator
    2 2627
    Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
    Mine just stay still in one place
    In the breast hall of fame
    You won't see my name
    For my boobs there would be a disgrace

    Sure boobs of my size have their merit
    They're easy to fit with a bra
    And when I go for a dip
    You won't see one slip…out
    They stay put…just where they are

    And I'm not one to seek much attention
    So you won't find me strutting about
    In a boob tube that's trying
    by gravity defying
    to leave no room, not even for doubt

    But I sure envy big breasted women
    I've seen them at parties you know
    With all confidence thrust
    In their mighty big bust
    Entrancing the men as they go

    Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
    That it's not all it's cracked up to be
    She says in frustration
    "Try to hold conversation
    When there's only two things a guy sees"

    Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
    To, say thirty-six b or c
    Would they still look so natural
    And could I class them as collateral
    Sorta like home improvements on me

    Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
    I've done quite a bit of research
    As I try to keep abreast
    In my mammary quest
    I've found there's a bit to be learned

    There's questions that need to be answered
    Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
    I can have nipples bigger
    But somehow I figured
    That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

    Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
    I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
    On the beach I would run
    In slow motion for fun
    To show off my best attribute

    Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
    There's much I'd aspire to do
    I could feed many babies
    When I was lactating
    And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

    In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
    They could 'see' if they had it too low
    And if I stood outside
    My breasts pumped up with pride
    Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

    Well you can see I've a lot to consider
    For the big plunge, I need some more time
    So I'll keep you updated
    But for now they're just fated
    To stay as they are for a while

    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      November 13, 2009 3:04 PM GMT
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  • Ivan was as thick as two short planks, the only career open to him was to join the army and fight on the Russian front against the Germans, defending the motherland.

    During training poor Ivan, not exactly the epitome of Russian manhood, could'nt even grasp the basics of shootting a rifle, let alone aim it without detriment to his comrades in arms. Eventually his officer in despair, and fear for the life of the men under his command, confiscated Ivans weapon, subsituting it for a wooden one, Telling Ivan, that everytime he saw a German he was to take aim and shout out bang, bang, twice, to make sure he did'nt miss. Ivan, not being the sharpest knife in the box, a sandwich short of a picnic, took this on board with enthusiasm, eager to play his part and do his duty for his country.

    Eventually Ivan found himself in the midst of battle, lined up with his comrades in arms, shooting at the advancing Germans,
    Bang, bang went Ivan, a German fell, probably hit by somone elses bullet, but Ivan took heart and got into the swing of things,
    For hours Ivan stood his ground shouting out bang, bang, the bodies were piling up in front of the line of Russian soldiers, gradually their firing became sporadic eventaully dwindling to nothing, the Russians had run out of bullets,

    The officer shouted fix bayonets and prepare to charge. OMG Ivan was at a loss, completely flumoxed as to what to do now. His mate recognising the dilema Ivan was facing, Told Ivan to make thrusting motions with his wooden gun and shout out stab, stab, The order came, Chaaaaaaaaarge, Ivan set off at a furious pace and was soon in the lead, Giving inspiration to the following hordes. Stab, stab shouted Ivan, down went germans, down went more germans, stab, stab down went even more germans, they just basically could'nt stay on their feet in the snow and the mud. A fact Ivan was completely oblivious to.

    Suddenly Ivan saw a great hulking German bearing down on him, Ivan ran towards him, stab stab went Ivan, and to make sure another stab, stab. Still the hulking collosus of Germanic pride kept coming, Splodge, Ivan went down, crushed in to the mud and snow, Alas poor Ivan had expired. Sadly killed in action, giving his all.

    As the German hulk hit the Russian lines the German was heard shouting panzer, panzer.  Boom Boom









    Cristine xXx

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at June 29, 2011 3:25 PM BST
      November 14, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    0