Joke of the day

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  • A man goes into a pub, for a quiet pint and a ploughmans lunch, The only pub for miles, The barman, a surly fellow of antagonistic disposition asked, spose you want serving, The gentleman stated he would like a pint of beer and a ploughmans lunch, the barman said you people are a bloody nuciance, coming in here. anyway he grabbed the nearest glass, which was unwashed poured a pint into it, then proceededed to erect a ploughmans lunch wiping his nose on the back of his hand as he did so, the gentleman expressing his disgust, saying I'm not paying for that, Arguments started over payment, Just then the owner of the pub arrived, horrified he attempted to placate the traveller, fetching a clean glass and putting together a nice fresh and hygenic lunch. The Landlord and the traveller started up a conversation, The Landlord apologising saying he had already sacked the barman for his attitude but was forced by employment law to give him a weeks notice and let him work it.

    The Gentleman responded I know, running a business can be soul destroying, when it comes to employing staff, I own a confectionary factory down on the coast, I don't spose you know anyone that wants to purchase 10,000 sticks of rock with kiss my arse printed down the middle.

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at September 9, 2016 1:07 AM BST
      May 29, 2009 9:57 AM BST
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    • Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL
      Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL Years ago, met a guy who was rumoured to have a big cock and be good in bed, I dressed up as a police woman and phoned him up inviting him round. As soon as he walked through the front door, I slapped a pair of handcuffs on him and told him he was under...  more
      February 14, 2022
  • Hate your neighbour?

    Imagine this scenario.

    3am, a Sunday morning, shove all your junk mail collected over a period of a couple of months, through their letterbox. Pile up the months newspapers and magazines on the doorstep, add 20 pints of milk. Then go home make a couple of phone calls.

    Then sit back and watch as the Police, Ambulance crew, Fire Brigade and Social Services roll up and proceed to kick their front door in.
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      May 29, 2009 10:15 AM BST
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  • very funny crissie - made me laugh! :)
    Just an ordinary girl finding her way in this strange life. - What will it take to get everyone to realise that everyone else is also a human being that deserves just as much respect? - How does someone tell their doctor they have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? - When I was a student I specialised in Alcopology. It always starts with Alco and always ends with pology. - Waiter! There's a hare in my rabbit pie!
      May 29, 2009 10:32 AM BST
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  • Took my car in for its first service and mentioned to the mechanic that the transvestite engine was making a clunking noise, he said ''You mean transverse engine luv, not transvestite'' I said ''whatever, it has a mind of its own, all I know it keeps changing into the wrong gear''.
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      May 29, 2009 11:07 AM BST
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  • Oh to be a bird in a nest in your neighborhood!!! I'll have to remember to save my junk mail....lol

    Traci
    <p>Traci</p>
      May 29, 2009 4:18 PM BST
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  • 1195
    Hey Crissie - great jokes made me laugh.
    hugs
    Gracie
    <p>If it isn't fun - don't do it.</p>
      May 30, 2009 11:03 PM BST
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  • Moderator
    2 2627
    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      May 31, 2009 11:25 AM BST
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  • Now THAT was funny Karen. It realy appealed to my sense of humour

    Newly wed couple, in the honeymoon suite, Bride started saying I'm realy looking forward to tomorow, we can go and see, and have lunch at and, and, and,

    Groom takes of his trousers, hands them to the bride, and orders her to put them on, she does so to humour him, having the idea this might lead to some realy kinky fun, as she pulls up the zip, the husband says, ''Right thats the first and last time you get to wear the trousers in this relationship, understand'' She replies ''Yes' takes off the trousers, hands her new husband her knickers and says ''Put them on'' Groom thinking this is going to lead to some kinky sex, does so, humouring her,
    Then she says ''Right thats the last time you get into my knickers until you realise who is gonna be boss in this relationship''

    ''Knickers might not be the best thing in the world, but they are the closest your going to get until you get rid of that macho attitude''




    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 1, 2009 10:34 AM BST
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  • How come your not that funny at home? or does being absolutely adorable somehow excuse you.


    Luve ya

      June 1, 2009 11:48 AM BST
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  • A Tranny's Prayer.

    Dear God, please give me the fortituded and serenity to bear the tribulations of the day, accepting the things I cannot change.
    God please give me the courage and resolution to work to change those things I have the power to change.
    Give me the tenacity, wiles and resolve to dispose of the bodies of the people I killed today for pissing me off.

    Always reminding me lord, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, another 15 to argue but only 5 to extend an arm and slap the bombastic biggots in the mouth for winding me up.

    Always help me to be mindful that the toes I tread on today might be attached to the arse I'm forced to kiss tomorow.

    Thanks for the chat. god.
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 1, 2009 12:32 PM BST
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  • A man was stopped on the M25 motorway by the police and was told by the officer that he was stopped because he was driving too slowly.
    "I was only doing 25 just like the sign told me to!" said the driver
    "No sir" said the officer. " The 25 on the sign is the name of the motorway you are on, not the speed limit"
    "Ohhh right. I never realised that" said the driver.
    The policeman looked in the back seat and there was a woman sat there and she was white as a sheet, hair standing on end and gripping the seat in front of her as hard as possible and with a look of terror on her face.
    "What's up with her?" asked the policeman
    "I'm not sure" said the driver. "She has been like that since we were on the A274"
      June 1, 2009 6:56 PM BST
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  • A little old lady was forced to pull over onto the safety hard shoulder of the motorway by a policeman on a motor bike.
    Policeman asked her if she knew what speed she was doing, Old lady got very aggitated and said ''Whats it to do with you, you pratt' Police was being very civil and asked for her insurence documents, Little old lady, ''I don't have any, what you gonna do about that you moron?'' Policeman then asked for her driving licence, she replied I don't have one and if you continue to harras me I'm gonna kick you in the nuts'' The policeman retreated to his bike, and called in for back up.

    Two more police arrived almost imediately in a car, The orginal policeman standing back while they proceeded to question her,
    they asked her if she had her driving licence, smiling sweetly she said of course officer and handed it to him, policeman then asked for her insurance papers, again smiling sweetly she said ''Of course officer and handed him a valid document, then the policeman said my colleague told me that you had no, papers or driving licence and were threatening him and being abusive.

    Appearing shocked and visibaly upset the little old lady said ''What nonsense, obviously he lied, and I bet he told you I was speeding as well''
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 2, 2009 9:30 AM BST
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  • 1195
    Crissie - I think I know that little old lady.

    This farm family in the hills of Apalacia allow an iterant preacher to stay with them while he is preaching in the area.
    One morning the wife comes running into the barn to talk with her husband. She's out of breath and is very upset.
    She says (excitedly) "The preacher wants fried chicken for supper and we don't have any chicken."
    The husband says "Well, screw the preacher."
    The wife replied "I did, but he still wants fried chicken."

    hugs
    Gracie
    <p>If it isn't fun - don't do it.</p>
      June 2, 2009 3:49 PM BST
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  • Sounds like my neck of the woods! Family trees with no branches...brothers Darryl and kissing cousins! Heee haw....cover the stills, the rev'noors are a coming!

    Traci
    <p>Traci</p>
      June 2, 2009 6:20 PM BST
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  • Must be from the same family as these two, husband and wife, went to a sex therapist, the womans complaining her husband never in all 20 years of marriage made her orgasm. The therapist said, well if both of you jump on the couch and start making love, I'll watch and see what your doing wrong. Anyway after about two hours of the husband pounding away, the woman started complaining she was getting all hot and flushed and no orgasm pending, so the therapist said ok I will waft a towel over you to keep you cool, keep trying. Another hour later nothing, husband said I am getting worn out and she is getting all sweaty and boiling. Therapist said ok, lets change places and handed the towel to the husband, Therapist jumps on and starts pounding away, after 5 minutes the woman screams I'm cuming, for god sake I'm coming, ooooooooooooooh yes,

    Husband start jumping up and down shouting thats how to wave a bloody towel you stupid man.
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 2, 2009 7:08 PM BST
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  • Moderator
    2 2627
    Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

    The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

    The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      June 3, 2009 9:15 AM BST
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  • Sounds like some of ther families round here Traci, I always wondered about some of the kids names. then it dawned on me,
    Victoria Beckham named her son Brooklyn cos he was concieved in Brooklyn, so makes sense, when you hear kids names round here from the sink estates, like Bikeshed, busshelter and the twins lol Transit & Van.

    If I was able to concieve, ending up with twins, perhaps a boy and a girl, I would probably name the girl Renault and the boy Clio.
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 3, 2009 2:15 PM BST
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  • Big Cheif No bull, was walking in the mountains, with his youngest son, having quality time together,
    The son asked his father, ''Oh wise and venerable chief, why is my older brother called Brave Bear?''
    The father replied, ''The day your brother was born, I was walking in the woods alone, contemplating life and wondering when the white eyes would give us back our land, when I came across a bear being attached by a pack of wolves, the bear fought bravely, sustaing some horrific wounds but prevailed and overcome the wolves winning the day, it was then that I heard your mothers cry as she gave birth, I took the bears courage to be a sign, hence your brothers name, he will be known all over this land for his courage and fortitude''

    ''Oh father, you are so wise and deep'' said the son, ''Why is my sister called Laughing brook?''
    well said the father ''I was sitting by the stream, the sound of the water passing over the rocks making a happy sound,
    thinking about how the white eyes have stolen our land, when again I heard the birthing cry of your mother, and in that time
    of uncertainty and tribulations, thought how happy the sound of the stream, so called your sister Laughing Brook she will be forever known in this land as the happy one''

    ''Oh father you truly are a wonderful and deep thoughtful man'' said the son.

    The father replied, ''You will also learn wisdom being a great peace maker and a strong warrior fighting the cause of our nation,
    being known all over this land as ..... Two Dogs Shagging the peace maker along with your twin sister ...bitch on Heat''

    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 4, 2009 1:16 PM BST
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  • Just read the last post about the Indian chief, and wet myself laughing, lol
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 4, 2009 9:10 PM BST
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  • Moderator
    2 2627
    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?













    The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

    Men keep'a readin











    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.


    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      June 4, 2009 10:50 PM BST
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  • Way,way back,when I was still young,sweet and innocent(!)........I used to think that hormones were sounds commonly heard in brothels!


    Lynn
    "It ain't what you do,it's the way that you do it............and that's what gets results!"
      June 5, 2009 10:57 AM BST
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  • Two paddies digging a hole in the road, The boss came up to the edge of the hole, and called down to them, Mic, Shamus get up here now, The two paddies climbed out of the hole, Boss orders them to jump up and down for 2 minutes then told them to get back down the hole, No sooner were they back down the hole he ordered them up again, again making them jump up and down, this went of for some hours, until finally Shamus said hey whats with the out the hole jumping about, back in the hole back out the hole jumping and back down the hole. Boss says you brought more mud up on your boots in the last 3 hours than you thrown out that hole in 5 days with shovels..
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 6, 2009 4:13 PM BST
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  • 1195

    Very funny, very funny Crissie
    Unfortunately, I haven't heard any new jokes outside of TW. I guess we're the only people having a fun time.
    Have a nice weekend - Gracie going to the big city this weekend. Hot stuff..
    hugs
    Gracie
    <p>If it isn't fun - don't do it.</p>
      June 6, 2009 5:56 PM BST
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  • Moderator
    2 2627


    She was only a...

    PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

    STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

    HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

    BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

    GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

    STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

    TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

    ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

    FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

    FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

    PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

    SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

    PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

    FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

    ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

    COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

    MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

    ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

    BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

    ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

    FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

    MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.


    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      June 6, 2009 10:28 PM BST
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  • Karen you forgot the Sea Captains daughter, her navel base was always full of discharged semen
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 7, 2009 12:04 AM BST
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