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I cam out to my wife.

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  • I came out to my wife of many years yesterday. I have always tried being as honest as I can with my wife as in my mind she is my life partner, united front, the two of us against the world. Prior to our getting married I informed here fully of my crossdressing desires and foolishly thought I could just quit doing it agreeing with my wife that if she quit smoking I would quit crossdressing. I was an idiot. I know now that my crossdressing was not a fetish of any sort, I feel my best dressed as a woman because that is what I truly am inside, After a very tearful conversation last night we agreed to seriously put some thought into the situation and discuss it when she returns Monday from visiting family. My wife and I love each other very much but she does not desire to be married to a woman and informed me she does not want to be blamed in later years for "holding me back" that she loves me enough to let me go and be what I need to be. We agreed that neither of us wants to cause any embarassment to the other and will keep it between the two of us for now. I am crushed at losing a relationship with the woman I love, elated at being free to be me after half a life of lies, and scared to death of what happens next.
    [email protected]
      December 11, 2010 8:24 PM GMT
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  • It could be far worse, Kelly. This is definitely a "glass half-full" scenario.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 12, 2010 12:10 AM GMT
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  • Hi Kelly

    You have taken a big scary step in telling your wife and you have asked her to take her own big scary step. I hope your journey brings peace to you and your wife without heartache.

    Hugs Jeri
    Jeri Elaine “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” - Irina Dunn, 1970 Indecision is the key to flexibility. - unknown
      December 12, 2010 3:26 AM GMT
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  • I see 2 things in your post. perhaps I maybe off base on either of them.
    First, I wonder why you bring this up to her just before she is to leave to be with family.
    Second you make it quite clear "crossdressing" not transitioning, or desires to be a woman etc. Yet you also bring up "being married to a woman"
    As a Crossdresser myself, I just don't see any corolation between the two.
      December 12, 2010 4:44 AM GMT
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  • Hi Kelly,
    When I first came out to my wife, she jumped to the conclusion that I wanted to eventually live as a woman, even though I hadn't yet come to that conclusion myself. At that time, I was still in a state of confusion as to what was going on inside me. I guess my wife knew more about me (Michelle) than I did.

    She felt a sense of loss of her husband and best friend, as well as a host of emotions around our relationship. She wanted to know who knew about Michelle, what did it mean for her, etc... The discussion turned somewhat mean as she first said it must be the work of the devil. Since then, she has softened significantly. Now she realizes that I didn't die and it wasn't an evil thing, but that Michelle has been a part of us in the blended person she loves and that I love her dearly.

    The social reality of me wanting to live as Michelle full time and possibly transition poses questions for her and raised issues such as:

    1. Do I want to become a woman? (Open Question).
    2. Can she cope with being married to a woman? What does it mean for the marriage? Will it be legal?
    3. Will her friends and co-workers label her as a lesbian?
    4. What are the long term relationships with the rest of the family going to be like and can she live with that.

    Overall, she has said that she wants Michelle to be happy, but has not warmed up to going out publicly with me. So Kelly, take things slow, as you wife needs time to process her feelings and will need help understanding Kelly and your futures together. I hope that she chooses to walk with you on your journey ahead and wish you a peaceful Holiday season.

    Take Care,

    Michelle Lynn
      December 12, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
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  • Moderator
    2463
    Kelly,
    First of all, congratulations and good luck!

    As for the relationship with your wife, give it time. Let her approach the subject first. Don't rub it in her face. She needs time to take all this in. This doesn't mean you have to deny yourself, just please let her deal with it in her own way. Answer all questions honestly.

    Mere
    You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant.
      December 12, 2010 9:22 PM GMT
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  • Thank you all very much, your words of advice and encouragement have helped me a great deal. The links that have been shared with me by the members here have also helped me move along. I have used the information to choose a therapist who has actually exchanged emails with me in this holiday season to the point where I was comfortable enough to book 3 months worth of double sessions starting January 8th. As far as my wife is concerned I agree, take it slow and honestly answer her questions. I would hope she would walk with me on any journey I may be taking, but as she has already informed me she has no desire to live with a woman in realty or by appearance and is already pulling away from me emotionally to "protect her heart". We have been talking in person or on the phone almost constantly since my coming out to her and at this time I believe she is leaning towards an amicable divorce. Not what I wish, but I will of course respect her choices and she respects mine.
      December 13, 2010 9:26 AM GMT
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  • For sure upon coming out to loved ones they need their space to process but something about this really bothers me just because I've experienced it myself several times.

    When dating is concerned we're still seen as our birth sex and all the gender roles that come with it. So, when an FTM comes out to his "lesbian" partner she tends to be more supportive for the following reasons:

    1) he is seen by his partner as a "butch"
    2) lesbian relationships have what psychologists call "fusion", even though with FTM's its purely due to socialization
    3) the partner, is shocked for some time, but often times still regards him as the dominant partner (the butch becomes a real he in her mind)...so it just becomes an issue with pronounes

    With MTF's its a completely different ballgame. The cis-gendered partner still regards her trans partner as her birth sex, but it creates the opposite conclusion. It becomes about her, her security, her reality that she has to share the comforted role, that "he" will not adhere to the expectation of "protecting her". Thus she refuses to play along even though she may in fact really love her MTF partner.

    This is nothing but her heterosexism. Sorry, but if your wife refuses to see you and love you as the real you despite the fact that she really knows you than F*k her. So, I see the wisdom in the previous posts and she does need space to reflect but this is about you not her. So, by narrowly focusing on her feelings is yet again adhering to the "male as comforter" gender role but that's not the real you now is it? You've had gender dysphoria and all the pain that it entails, if she sulks in a corner than she's really not worth your time.
      December 14, 2010 11:01 AM GMT
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  • This is nothing but her heterosexism. Sorry, but if your wife refuses to see you and love you as the real you despite the fact that she really knows you than F*k her.

    I have stayed out of this one, simply because I have never been in that position. Generally women marry men, men fall in love with women, Some women will accept, cross dressing, might encourage it in the privacy of their own bedroom. whatever, but they generally don't seek a relationship with other women. The paranoia and feeling of betrayal must be terrible for the wife.

    Its an impossible situation you find yourself in. If you forgo your natural instincts, you could end up resentful, she would end up dreading the future on the basis that one day you will have to finally surrender to the urge to be yourself. The above quote, honestly is not very helpful, when two people love each other. Generally in a Hetero relationship, people form relationships for who AND WHAT their partner is.

    Some are lucky, their wives love them for who they are and not what they are, some instances of some amazing relationships on here in the Gender society. Wives being supportive and ending up more like sister, whatever.

    Firs thing is to get counceling, then examine what the future would be like for you and her if you stayed married and suppressed your urges. Would you be content? does'nt sound like it. Would she forever be paranoid about what the future holds, have you got children, does she want children, so many things to consider.. Would she resent you for instance having liasons with a man, to fulfill your perceived gender? would you resent her taking a lover because you are no longer able to maintain her physical needs?

    I have never been one to advocate go for it, things and situation like this are fraught with problems. The fact she has offered you an amicable way out is all credit to her understanding.

    I wish you happiness and contentment, her as well whatever you decide





    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      December 14, 2010 12:06 PM GMT
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  • Thanks for the input, we had another talk about my coming out again tonight. She assumed for some reason that I had already picked out and planned to move to an apartment somewhere. I informed her that I still loved her and did not plan on leaving or going anywhere until she looked me in the eyes and informed me she needed me to leave. I am being selectively removed from her life as she has begun to take over chores I typically do around the household, when I ask what she is doing she tells me she needs to get used to me not being around. This evening we laid in bed hugging and kissing and I was in heaven, then she asked if we could do alot more of the same in the next couple of months before I change, like I was going to die or something. We have been more intimate with each other in the last few days since my coming out than we have in literally years. I asked her if this is what it took to get some intimacy in our marraige, bad I know, but I wanted to know. No real answer. I let her know that I planned on nothing more than loving her and caring for her for the rest of my life, I just need to be me while doing so. Because of a physical condition (no need to get into it) my wife can no longer have intercourse, this has not mattered to me, and still does not, as I am not concerned about sex, and have not been for some time. Tonight she said if I wanted to have sex with another woman it would be okay with her so long as I informed her as to who it was going to be with. Thanking her for the offer I let her know it was not necessary. I have not had my first therapy session yet (scheduled Jan 8) and am now looking forward to it more than ever. My wife and I have a great life, home, and financial security, having accomplished alot together and she wanted to know how I could give it all up just to wear heels? I let her know that everyday I wear male clothes I feel I am crossdresing and when in womens clothes, (not just heels) I feel at peace and properly attired. When asked if I was planning on going to a bunch of "tranny bars" I asked her back how many bars I go to now. Answer: 0 and that no matter who or what I am I am not going to change and suddenly want to go hang out in bars. I offered to take her to therapy with me but she has thus far refused. Again I appreciate the input from all. I feel like my head is about to explode.
      December 15, 2010 5:40 AM GMT
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  • I am feeling emotions of happiness and sorrow as finished reading your post and responses. My greatest fear is losing family and because of this I repress myself and yes at times it puts me into a depressed state that causes trouble daily life, happiness. I fear that it is getting worse. I am happy for you that you are seeking therapy and hope you can sort things out clearly. I am saddened that you are on the path to lose your love and friend but how can you walk two roads. I hope your love / wife will go with you to some sessions. Best wishes on your journey.
      December 16, 2010 3:44 PM GMT
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