Apologies for the length... this was pretty complicated and ~difficult~ for me, plus you get to see ~me~ and what I'm about... which I fancy to be a good thing ;-) ... So, I'm gonna have to give a bit of background before you read the emails between my brother and I.

If someone gets their panties in a bunch because of the way I said certain things, you got more problems than I do, and trust me, I'm overloaded with my own problems ~lol~, so kindly keep yours to yourself, please and thanks ~Curtsies, winks and grinz~ but comments and questions as to why I said something ~this~ way, when I could have said them ~that~ way, are most welcome as they often help me better myself and my clarity, going forward... =)

As to the way I use certain words, and their "true" meanings, to ~other~ people... keep in mind I've also majored in Linguistics (yes, I truly am a cunning linguist ;-) So I know words have different meanings to different people, even if all of those ~same~ people can use the ~same~ words in a context they understand between each other... yet to each themselves, mean something different when they speak. Confusing? Take a few courses in Linguistics, and maybe you'll get ~my~ meaning ~hehe~

How about a less confusing way of saying it, that means the exact same thing. Consider it as if my brother and I have a limited vocabulary because of "The Way We Grew Up"... ~anything~ that wasn't "macho man, ooh rah, devil dogs, Marine Corps!" (all of us have been in the Corps) is considered "gay", although he has nothing personal against "actual" gay people, as I've even heard him arguing with the dolts around these parts who are against gay marriage... so it's just a sort of conceptual thing, that doesn't apply to reality directly.

Additionally, this wasn't simply my "coming out of the closet" with him, it was also it was also my explaining how much I love ~him~, in the way I was asking for his acceptance.

Me and A~~~ haven't always been close... in fact there was a time I ~hated~ him, and he, me. Well, he hated his asshole brother ~lol~ He's never got to meet his big sister... till now ;-)

When we were growing up, I had 3 little brothers, D~~~, A~~~ and T~~~, in that order.

D~~~ and me were like best friends, always playing together, and fighting with each other, then playing again, as only close siblings can do. He's 2 years younger than me.

T~~~ is the baby, and we ~all~ looked out for him, and made sure he was ~never~ hurt in ~any~ of the ways we were. He's 7 years my younger.

Then there's A~~~, 5 years younger than me, the "middle child" in our family... and the only one with curly hair. The Devils curly hair, as I'm reminded of at this moment near the end of the Simpson's Movie ~lol~ Although there not really much humor in the fact that his hair was the same as my Dad.

My Dad... who, besides being extremely physically abusive to me, my brothers and my mother, and sexually abusive to me and Ma... both of us in and out of psych hospitals when I was a kid... although my span only lasted 2 trips until well after I was an adult... My dad was also extremely ~emotionally~ abusive to ~all~ of us.

Almost daily he would play with us, only... instead of baseball, or something ~else~ nice, my dad played mind games; twisting things around, lying and manipulating us... turning us against each other... and A~~~ was his favorite. I didn't realize what that meant at the time. I ~thought~ it meant that because A~~~ was the one who was most like him, it meant that he loved and treasured A~~~ much more so than us, which was why he hurt ~us~ so much... It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I realized it meant the opposite.

I think Dad hated A~~~ more than ~any~ of us ~because~ A~~~ reminded Dad of ~himself~ when ~he~ was little. So he hurt him more than any of us, just by simply turning us on A~~~ to let loose our hate for Dad, on A~~~, instead of where it belonged.

So... without further ado... well, one more ado... I've been living with my mother and brother A~~~ for almost 2 years now, and while at first he was the one to say "move in with us", then later retracted because things got so tight while I was waiting for disability, that he wanted me gone again ~lol~ Things are all better on ~that~ score now, but... I didn't know how else to come out to him... while he ~does~ have ~some~ understanding of my issues, he thinks of them differently and doesn't quite "get" the DID part... so I wanted to say all this in a way that would encompass ~both~ my trans-gendered status, and my DID, without being too confusing...

Thanks for reading so far =) So, as promised, the letters between us (so far)

Here we go ~smiles~


============================

S~~~ to A~~~

Subject:
Kind of an important question for me...

Message:
but I'm not rushing to hear your answer... Maybe you already have it, maybe you have to think about it... but I think i would personally prefer to hear it say, Saturday, after (my daughter) isn't here...

How would you feel if I was gay? Like not just crazy and confused the way I've always been, but ~actually~ was... It matters to me what you think and feel because out of my 3 little brothers, you're the one I hurt the most, and I don't ever want to do anything that would hurt you, ever again... because I can't take back what I did...

but it's like I'm finally figuring out "what was wrong with me" all these years, and I ~know~ how to fix it now... I just want to do what I need to do for me, without walking all over everyone else's feelings, the way (the ex wife) did to me, or the way i did to you when we were little...

S~~~

============================


A~~~ to S~~~

Subject:
RE: Kind of an important question for me...

Message:
I get these daily messages on Facebook, this is the one I got today -
Message from God: "On this day of your life, A~~~, we believe God
wants you to know ... that yesterday is a thing of the past. Do not be
hard on yourself about things you cannot change. The past is past and
it's time to move on."
Yeah, so... what God said and apply it to you.


Does it matter to me if you're gay?
I couldn't care less - you're my brother and I love you just the same.

But umm.......eyeliner?
That's a little weird.

============================

Now comes the part that almost scared this crap out me ~lol~ I didn't realize till 2 nights later that I replied from Victoria's email address, to that one ;-)


~Victoria~ =) to A~~~

Subject:
RE: Kind of an important question for me...

Message:
Yeah, it is ~lol~ to you... but it's "normal" and "right" for me... which is kinda a problem for some people... if I lived in NY or San Fransisco, it wouldn't be... but i can't really help my geographical location, but I'll try not to like... shove it in your face, kinda thing...

I already have to hide most of it from (my daughter), and if I lived in my own place, it wouldn't be a big deal, but that wouldn't be a good idea at the moment for ~other~ reasons, unfortunately, else I wouldn't have to even bring the subject up at all... but it's something I've had thrown in my face since I was 10 years old, and all I've ever done for 30 years since, was hurt myself trying to bury, or turn it off... beg God to fix it, yadda yadda... and I'm just rather tired of hurting all the time.

P.S. you forgot about the nail polish =P


============================

Since I already flubbed things up ~lol~ I decided to just try to "tell the whole thing" from my "regular" email address...


S~~~ to A~~~

Subject:
I should probably also mention...
        
  
Message:
Since I screwed up and mailed you from the... other address I have... since this type of thing can be uncomfortable for some people... I want you to know that it's ~still~ ok to make fun of it, like... if you remember last winter when I was knitting, and you said "that's so gay" ~lol~ it's totally fine, I can deal with my brothers making fun of it, although I don't plan on actually telling D~~~ or T~~~ right away, since they don't have to live with me... It's just gotten to the point where I can't really ~hide~ it from you, and I didn't want you to think I was just going crazy again... that never ends, actually ;-) but it's gotten ~way~ better... and not because of the money, but other things, like finally learning how to handle (the ex wife).

My therapist kinda put me up to this... because it hurts to much to keep it in 24/7, 7 days a week, and always has... which is probably where a good portion of the "crazies" I've always had come from. I told her like the first week I saw her, and have been talking with Ma about it for a few months now, and those things have helped me sort out a lot of the confusion regarding the whole thing.

My gender and sexuality are all frigged up, so... easiest just to say "I'm gay" although I'm most physically attracted to females ... that part of me I'd call Victoria, who I usually just call "V", is the opposite. I have been her since I was 10, although I have some recollection of being somewhat "girly" even before then... This is actually a pretty "normal" thing in the world... it's just not normal in our experience... since I've started sorting things out, tho, I've found a ~lot~ of people that have almost the same issues as me.

If I had understood myself, when I was 20 years old, to the degree that I do, today, for almost certain, I would have pursued a sex change. Shocked? I hope not, it's not meant to... because I'm ~not~ going to choose to do something like that today. At least nothing that has any permanence that can't be washed or taken off.

Because with ~also~ knowing what I have today, (my daughter), and even (my step son) for the time I was able to be his dad, knowing those things, along with the "female" part, even with counting all the years I have ~hurt~ so deeply inside, hiding the girl inside from everyone I knew, along with all the abuse (the exwife) put me threw... I would still ~choose~ to pass up a sex change, even if I ~knew~ i would be happy the rest of my life because of it... if given the chance to go back to 20 years old. That's how important (my daughter), by herself, is to me, worth more than ~all~ the suffering in my life. Way more.

I just hope you can handle dealing a bit with Victoria on the weekends when (my daughter) isn't here... especially since, and I didn't realize till today, she was the one who replied to your reply ~lol~

oops...

So anyways... I'm still always "S~~~" it's just easier for me to relate to myself as Lynx (my "typical" self most people "know) and Victoria, but I hoped you would understand ~this~ part is not a sign that I'm "getting worse" because I might seem ~more~ split than I was before, it's a sign that I'm getting better, because ~now~ when i switch, I keep my head together pretty well, and can feel myself getting closer to putting humpty dumpty all back together again.

So i dunno if, 2 years from now, I'm still gonna be "gay" or if that will go away, or a vast number of other things, but I gotta finish fixing this... chaos... while I'm on disability, so I can get ~off~ disability, and get on with living... so..

I've talked with Ma a lot about this for months now, so she's a lot more used to it, so if you want to talk to someone other than me about what's going on, there'd be a place to start ;-)

S~~~


================================

That's where it's at so far. I don't think I actually ~need~ his reply to say "ok, I understand, it's fine" or anything like that... because for the past week our relationship hasn't been affected at all... it might, actually, even be more relaxed. Just kinda giving him some reason he can kinda grasp to understand why I'm on disability (PTSD/DID)

That and maybe he also gets how much it hurts me ~now~, to remember all the awful ways I treated him when we were little... seems like my apology was accepted, and no word was needed to hear it, we just know and feel it =)

Thanks for reading =D