Head in the Ground as I Walked Backwards

  • July 30, 2013 3:12 PM BST
    My name is Cameron Cassettari, or has been since December 2011, nearly two whole years ago.

    I started my transition...unwittingly. Unaware that I was transitioning or breaking the gender roles of society, I stepped into a male role quite naturally if without any understanding.
    Let me start from the beginning.
    At the grueling age of 15 years, I was not your typical teenager. Raised in a household where my brother is mentally disabled, my mother suffering from depression and a form of craziness known as a lack of worldly awareness, and lastly my father with a head filled with logic and no room to teach his children something as oppressive or illogical as social norms I turned out someone unaware of the world's viewpoints. I stepped right from confusion about whether I liked men or women to a fresh idea that I could be 'taught' how to be a man.
    I am not clear on where that thought stemmed from. I merely jumped from coming out as bisexual to having fantasies and dreams of being 'a man'. So...I became that, a man.
    I cut my hair, wore baggier shirts and jackets and slowly leaped into the transgender community without even knowing it existed.
    My close friend at the time, who is gay, helped me with the acting masculine and looking masculine as I mentioned the stunning idea of being a guy at the LGBT gathering we were going to. It was silly, I'd thought, but exciting.
    It was to go like this; we'd go in, both as guys, and I'd interchange during the whole two hours between male and female.
    Two parts of this fell through however as, one, we got lost on the way there, two, the 'gathering' was only a handful of people, and three, I had felt so natural as a male that I decided to stay that way through the rest of the meeting.
    At one point during this meeting, (known as a social group run by wesley mission called "Qspace" of which I still attend and has grown in number) I asked with a blank state of mind what the "T" in "LGBT" stood for, to which the facilitator at the time looked at me oddly and told me it stood for "Transgender" at which I asked, quite innocently, again what that was as I sat there, male in a female body, presenting as the internal male and was again greeted with the odd quirk of the eyebrow and confused look that said, "Shouldn't you know?"
    I was told, about transgender and transmen and transwomen, and I loved every word that spilled forth from the facillitator's mouth. I couldn't believe my ears. There was a "word"!! A "word" for what I was feeling right then, and had been feeling for months before. Transgender.
    You'd have thought I'd discovered candy at my excitement as I discussed the revelation with my friend and my mum as I rode home in the car that evening and announced that I was a transman and what that was and how amazing it was that there was a community of people going through what I was!
    Casually chatting about something I hadn't even realised was such a life changing event and that others lived in fear of telling their family and friends...and here I was, in the car, upon hearing about it that day, and announcing to my family and friends my discovery with nothing but my own excited amazement.
    I hadn't realised then, and still have trouble understanding now, how greatly my reverse transition differed from the others within this community.
    It wasn't until months later that I realised the animosity towards transgender people...via the internet. No one, in school, at home, in public, no one at all attacked me. There were instances I'd correct people on my pronoun... But they all just thought I was a pretty, girly boy, rather than assuming I was trans*... And I came out at school easily as well, just a quick, I'm wearing males clothes now and using male bathrooms (staff ones mind you but I accept the privileges happily as they are clean... though I still enter the student ones with friends occasionally).

    And by the end of 2011 I talked it over with my father about filling out legal forms... and payment... and had my name legally changed.
    That was it. At the age of 15, I'd had a few months to understand myself... and I'd taken my life in my hands and found myself accepted almost as if I'd never been anything but Cam.
    Mum still struggles with pronouns as does my brother but time helps that. Schoolmates and teachers occasionally get my pronoun wrong but I get them back by correcting them and watching them get flustered over their mistake... and I have a network of support hodge-podge all over the place, I would be amazed to find a hole in it anywhere.

    Here I am, two years later (almost), about to graduate high school in Australian, a career path planned out, acceptance from friends and family, and a sense of my self I wouldn't have had without that starting few pushes towards where I am now.
    It may be confusing... but my life at that point had flown by so quickly that my transition had been almost non-existent for me and now, I find it hard to recall I was anything but male, even with the occasional reminders from those who slip up.