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Children- the final frontier

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  • For many years, and at least on one notable set of circumstances 9 years ago, I knew the day would eventually have to come when I told my youngest two children about "me" and my future plans.
    Nothing can properly prepare to for this day, but this does not mean preparation is not necessary. Looking back on events from 10 days ago now, I can see that the work Elle had I did in preparing ourselves was vital.
    Until now I have not been able to write down what happened as it has all been so emotional; in fact, the emotional exertion of the days leading up to the revelation, the a itself, and the aftermath, made me ill.
    I will keep it brief. I prepared a statement that I would read to the boys, aged 18 and 15. We had to wait until now because I did not want to get in the way of A levels and finding a uni place. We had agreed with their mother and her partner that we would all sit down together to break the news. I was pleased about this because it meant there would be no confusion over the message delivered.
    As soon as I started to speak, my voice became fragmented and I started to break down, but I kept going. They listened to every word, and not before I finished was there any reaction. At that point they both got up and came over to me and hugged me, and we all hugged together.
    I could not have foreseen this reaction, only hoped for it. I have said many times since that my children amaze me. I told them that too. I also told them that I am so proud to have played a part in them becoming decent, compassionate members of society. Whatever emotions must have been going through their minds, I will find out later perhaps. The incredible maturity, compassion and human decency they showed will live with me forever.
    Neither Elle or I assume for one moment that the hard work has been done, but the revelation has been made, and we can now help to build both their knowledge and a platform for the future.
    As a footnote, my youngest ( somewhat naively) said a few days later, " I don't know why we got so upset,it's not a big deal really. You will still be you- but you will be happy". He then went on to say, " you have picked a good time to do this as people are so much more aware- even if some don't understand". Out of the mouths of babes, as my grandmother used to say. I owe it to both of the that this optimism is not dented in the months to come.

    Nobody can say how much the fear and trepidation has taken out of me, but I almost feel unburdened now- unburdened but not reckless. My children deserve me don't my utmost to protect them as I move through the stages of my transition.
      September 1, 2013 6:06 PM BST
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  • Congratz Emma!  The feeling of relief and knowing that those you love

    understand is a truly wonderful experience.  I only wish more people would

    be like your children - Understanding and accepting.  That would make the world

    a much better place. Perhaps someday.

     

    Take Care,

     

    Michelle Lynn

      September 1, 2013 6:15 PM BST
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  • Well done you.  I actually started to cry reading this.  I was thinking yesterday, that I should write again and ask, but was worried that if things didn't go well, I might stir the emotions.  Your children, as are Lee's, are a reflection of you and the maturity and values that you have instilled in them.  You and Elle, should be very proud of them.....and of yourselves  Congrats!!!!!!!!!

    Briana Lynn
      September 1, 2013 7:03 PM BST
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  • Emma,

    What a great outcome from what, I know, was a very stressful step in your journey.

    With such understanding in your children, you at least know that any questions and worries they have from now on will be asked in a geniune wish to "know and understand", not with any intention to put you down.

     

    Just as an example from my "coming out" a few years ago, having decided who to tell, but not having children of my own, I did have one particular God-son, who I thought would be the most "challenging", he being the epitomy of the "macho" rugby player.

    It really wouldn't have surprised me had he got up and walked out the door, never to contact me again!

    I explained my position, and, after a moments silence, he stood up, walked over to me and kissed me!

     

    Children can truely surprise sometimes!

     

    So, Emma, I'm so happy that this step went so well, especially when you'd been so worried about it.

     

    I'm sure they will have lots of questions, and they'll support you along the way.

    They sound like very worldly wise, loving kids.

    Congratulations.

     

    Hugs,

    Angela.  xxx.

    What matter if I stand alone? I wait with joy the coming years; My heart shall reap where it has sown, And garner up it's fruit of tears.
      September 1, 2013 7:08 PM BST
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    Hi ladies. It was a really tough weekend I have to say. We are still suffering from the after effects of mental exhaustion. Not nice. So much mental energy got used last week it's hardly surprising we've been poorly.
    We are hoping the boys are ok. Only time will tell. They were amazing in their reactions. I am so proud of them. Proud of Em too for getting through it all. I'd run at the first hurdle!
    Thanks to all of you for your support. Means a lot.
    Xx
      September 1, 2013 10:21 PM BST
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  • Fantastic news guys! It must be a huge relief!
    Onwards and upwards babe! X
      September 1, 2013 11:38 PM BST
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  • Congratulations Emma - that's what we hope for.  Unfortunately it wasn't that way at all for me.

      September 3, 2013 11:08 PM BST
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  • Thank you Mary. I am really sorry that things were different for you. I do not consider that my potential challenges are behind me though- far from it. The only thing I will be eternally grateful for is the opportunity to help them readjust over time.
      September 4, 2013 7:47 AM BST
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  • Hey Emma, I am so glad this worked out for you. It speaks volumes for your children. 

     

    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      September 4, 2013 3:08 PM BST
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  • Emma,
      I am so happy for you.:)
     You mentioned that you were "so proud to have played a part in them becoming decent, compassionate members of society" and you have a right to feel that way.... but I don't think those traits in your Children are what caused them to react so favorably to your Gender Choice. It was the trust, love, and respect for you that determined their response..Those feelings towards you were earned by YOU during their up-bringing. You have earned that pride!!!
    Doanna

    <p>Doanna Highland</p>
      September 5, 2013 2:11 AM BST
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  • Thanks Doanna, and indeed everyone who has taken the time to comment.

     

    I have tried always to do the right thing with my children (no plaudits there, that's what parents should do!). those of us who transition later in life can only guess at how difficult our lives have been with our dysphoria versus not having it. I have said before that I feel very lucky compared with many, but then that "luck" manifested itself in me creating a disproprtionately male persona for myself as a way of living with it.

    Therefore, news of my transition has come as an ever bigger shock to my loved ones. 

     

    It is also often said of people in transition, that they become "selfish". I understand that need to finally focus on oneself after years of doing what is expected of you. However, being a parent, even of largely grown-up kids, always means that you have to temper that behaviour. I therefore thank my lucky stars, not only that I have them, but also my wonderful partner. They all provide that regular reality check that I hope will ensure that my transition is a more positive experience for everyone around me.

      September 5, 2013 10:54 AM BST
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  • Out of all my family, one daughter is supportive.  I spent a week with her in December and when we went to toddler groups she introduced me as "The twins' Nana".  At least one young Mum made the obvious step from "Twin's Nana" to "Jen's Mom".  I just carried on the conversation without confirming or denying.

     

    My youngest is 20, so no small children of my own.

      September 5, 2013 4:17 PM BST
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  • It has seemed to me, for the last few years, that it was the school children who most accepted their transgender peers and have advanced acceptance in the community at large.  We hear the bad stories of bullying and abuse but perhaps their are more stories we never hear about caring and support.  That would never have happened when I was a child.  Again, perhaps we are underestimating the value of teachers to the community.

    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      September 7, 2013 3:04 PM BST
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  • I think you're right Wendy. People are quick to dismiss today's young people, but they are way more tolerant of minorities than m generation ever was.
      September 7, 2013 11:11 PM BST
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  • Moderator
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    Hi Emma.

     

    I read this post and felt inspired again. Inspired by a few reasons but mainly, after meeting both you and Elle in Torquay, i realised that to truly be happy you have to accept yourself. But its not just you that has to do the accepting. the ones you love and cherish are also faced with a choice. I felt that because of the way Elle has accepted you, your adult children accepted you in a way that is reflected in the love they obviously have for you and that is testament to how you handled the situation. change is never easy but once you accept that change and others accept it, you move on in a way you did not think possible months, years ago. to be truly happy you need the acceptance of your loved ones as well. i could tell that you both seemed happy and positive. i really hope going forward, you both keep that. Your family will grow stronger and the future is seems will be bright.

    And that inspires me.

    All my best wishes and keep happy. :)

     

    Love,

     

    Faye.

    Faye x
      September 15, 2013 11:40 PM BST
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  • 71
    Oh Faye, that is such a lovely thing to say! You've definitely cheered up my Monday morning. We really felt that by being positive and together, it'd set the standard for everyone else, specially the boys of course, but all the other people we've informed too.
    Seems to have worked so far!
    There are still tough moments but on the whole it's good. Not keen on being back either. I really enjoyed Torquay. It's always good when Em is able to be herself.

    So, have a great week... Keep us posted with your progress too Faye. Hope to catch up with you all soon xxxx
      September 16, 2013 6:40 AM BST
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  • Thank you for those lovely thoughts Faye. I have always tried to take the view that I should, never look at my life and regret anything. In my case, denying who I was for so long, enabled me to have 3 lovely boys, and then finally meet my true soul mate in Elle. As you say, the future is positive. Like you, there are challenges, but I feel a much better able to face them with the love and support of this I live most.

    As Elle says, please stay in touch Faye. Xx
      September 16, 2013 8:08 AM BST
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  • Emma - that was heartwarming. Actually, thre is a reason why your childresn reacted the way they did - and that reason is YOU!  What a role model, what a parent.

     

    Blessings!

     

    Amanda

      October 13, 2013 8:09 AM BST
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  • Thank you for your very kind words Amanda. I am not sure I deserve such praise. They are finding it tough of course, and we are trying to help them through the transition. They are wonderful boys and I try to do everything I can to help them understand. Xx
      October 13, 2013 12:44 PM BST
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