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Help when I needed it most...

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  • I’ve been struggling with how to start my journey of transition. If you’ve read my blog you know I came out last week at work to the HR person and it went better than I could have hoped. I don’t have a lot of friends so I was trying to figure out where to begin my journey with the few I have.

    We were friends with a couple for 25 years. They were really kindred spirits and we did a lot together and really enjoyed each other’s company. The woman of this couple was my wife’s best friend. My wife helped her through her bout of Breast Cancer and she helped my wife when she was ill. They were BFFs before someone thought of that acronym. My plan was to come out to her a few weeks ago. I had my speech all prepared and I had gathered up my courage and asked if she had some time for a chat.

    Here is where it’s gets interesting…

    Unbeknownst to me, my wife knew that she would be dying soon and asked her best friend to please keep an eye on me. She told her everything about me and made her promise to make sure I was ok after she died. My wife outed me to her best friend and never let on that she had done it…

    When she told me that she already knew everything about me and then explained how she had found out, I was blown away. If you want to know what true love is, all you have to do is look at the selfless way my wife wanted me to know how much she cared about me. Even after she was gone…

    So…I had been outed by ghost you say? I guess in some ways it’s true.

    My wife’s BFF is now my BFF and has accepted me unconditionally. We both cried a long time that day when we had our “chat”. I am so lucky to have someone so supportive of everything I do. She is truly an amazing woman.

    In some ways, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Do I expect the road to be smooth and bump free? Not by any stretch of the imagination. And no one seems to know where the road map is for this journeyJ.

    Why am I out here writing about this? I think there’s hope for me out there. If that’s true, then there is hope out there for everyone who has struggled with their gender, their identity, their self-worth or the whole idea of who they are as a person. I think there is hope for all of us…

      July 28, 2014 1:18 AM BST
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  • You are truly fortunate in so many ways.  To have a good friend on your side while you step out into the world might be the absolute best thing possible!  Ghost, angel, whatever....your wife is a saint!!!!

    Xoxo

    <p>Traci</p>
      July 28, 2014 3:06 AM BST
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  • Hi Marissa. I do not know much about you only a few things I have read. I do know you have been in prison twice and you are now out on parole so be a good girl now.

    I know what you are thinking! Prison?????? Well not that kind of prison but to some it feels like it. Being a prisoner in your body and being a prisoner in your home , now you are out on parole. There is no map as you call it , you will have to do this your way.

    Following other peoples ways will not help you , it has to be done "your way" A way that suits you , you draw the map. No doubt you will take some wrong turns "We all do" As long as you can find your way back then all is good just don't get lost.

    It is a long journey and it is very easy to take a wrong turn. I am not going to give you advice for two reasons, it is not my place to and it will not be the advice to suit you. You are a unique individual. If you were sitting here with me I could support you but I would still not say do this or do that just because it worked for me , it may backfire on you and that would be wrong.

     

    Take care and enjoy your journey , learn from the wrong turns then avoid them in the future "That is the only advice I will give you" .

     

    Julia xx

      July 28, 2014 10:22 AM BST
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  • 1 146

    Hi Marissa, Thanks for this Post, it helps . , It does say there is hope and it tells us all there is a lot of unspoken but known things in this world. As Julia says there are wrong turns , and I realize I have made few. , but keep moving , that is what I tell myself . and if in doubt point to the truth , , even though this not the obvious easiest route. I have often felt like a prisoner, . It s good to know that you have a friend. As they say the truth will out and I am seeing the truth as a release from the denials of the past.  Good luck   XX Donna

    <p>Donna_V</p>
      July 28, 2014 3:43 PM BST
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  • Thank you all so much for your kind support!

      July 28, 2014 4:15 PM BST
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  • Hi Marissa.

    That is what GS is all about , support. None of us asked to be born the way we were yet we have to go through so much just to prove to the world that we are just plain normal.

    How I came out has been well ducumented in the press (some good some not so good) and is in many places here on GS by myself.

    I had no choice! Well I did it was be myself or end my life. I was in a relationship for 23 years with another woman. She was aware of me from the start , she was a Tom Boy (I am sure she should have been a male). She died suddenly over 9 years ago now and I was left behind without my rock.

    Close to a year after her death I went from house to house telling everyone that I am Transexual , that means family and friends. Doors were slammed in my face , I then had no one , I was very much alone. It was their reaction that pushed me very close to suicide.

     

    I then went and told my Doctor. The next day I watched my past being loaded into a truck to be taken to landfill. There was no turning back then. I walked out of my door as me , the world was about to meet me , the real me. I found that very easy to do , suicide would have been just as easy but I think I made the right choice.

    Then came the next part.

    Living back then in a village with a population of just one thousand people I faced them , oh they tried to avoid me but I was not having it , they crossed the road so I crossed the road. I kept telling myself over and over you will talk to me. Eventually they did. They then realised I was happy. About two years later I needed to move to a more populated area because where I was living was to isolated for me. Those people who would not speak to me at the start wanted me to stay. I was bought cards and gifts just before I moved away.

     

    I now live in a town with a population of over 150.000 , I am aware of only two people that have a problem with me out of 150.000 , not bad hey? . They now steer well clear of me because they know they will end up in a police cell if not.

    Life is for living and that is what I do. For all that I lost I have gained so much more in return. I did it my way just as everyone else should do it their way. You do it your way and Donna is doing it her way , which ever way we do it as long as the end result is happiness then to me that is all that matters .

     

    Take care and I do truly wish you all the best , and of course happiness.

     

    Edit: Same goes for you Donna xx

     

    Julia xx

    This post was edited by Former Member at July 28, 2014 6:44 PM BST
      July 28, 2014 5:55 PM BST
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  • Hi Marissa,

    Your wife was truly a wonderful person, and you clearly had a mutual love and respect for each other.
    As someone who too has a wonderful partner who has been incredibly supportive, I know how big a factor it is during transition. You now have your friend to help you, which is wonderful.
    Good luck with everything. Xx
      July 28, 2014 6:10 PM BST
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  • Julie, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me a little about your life. I really apprecaite it.

     

    Thanks again;

     

    marissa

      July 28, 2014 6:46 PM BST
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  • Thank you all for your encouragement and support.

     

    marissa

      July 28, 2014 6:47 PM BST
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  • Hi Marissa .

     

    This is from December 2010.

     

    It was written by Kate Brook , a student journalist I met in my old county working in a news office.

     

    [Link removed by myself as I said it would be]

     

     

     

    Take care , Julia xx

     

     

    This post was edited by Former Member at July 29, 2014 9:17 AM BST
      July 28, 2014 7:43 PM BST
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  • Hi Marissa, You and I are both at the start and both in about the same place. Maybe we can benefit from eachother's experiences?

     

    I came out to HR at work 2 weeks ago and to my boss last week. I'm hugely lucky, there is active diversity and inclusion policy in the company, there is someone responsible for workplace transitions and I have a trans colleague with almost 30 years of experience from whom to draw encouragement. So work seems the 'easy' part...Sadly not...I am customer facing and must do this in front of them. No place to form a crysalis and emerge as a butterfly some time later!

     

    I came out to my daughter last week too - the first in the family - and she was utterly amazing,  gave me a huge cuddle and it is clear she truly understands. I'm blessed. I am expecting a terrible time with my wife who did not accept me when I came out 16 years ago, so she seems very unlikely to accept me transitioning. I have accepted not only that our marriage may well be over, but also that if it ends over this then it lacks intrinsic value anyway and I can move on.

     

    Best wishes, Nikita

      July 28, 2014 8:44 PM BST
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  • I hope you don't mind me saying Nikita and anyone else but it is really nice to see others experiences here. Nikita! Facing customers everyday may at this point seem hard but believe me it will come natural , I face thousands of people every week and if I can then you can too. I hope once you have done so you can look back and say "That was not so bad".

     

    Take care and all the best , Julia x

      July 28, 2014 9:04 PM BST
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  • Thanks Julia,

     

    Given that I can trace my trans behaviour right back to age 5 it's a real shame that I never made space and time in my life alone to bottom it out, but from being outed as a 'pervert' by my mother at age 15 to discovering I was not a unique freak via the Internet aged 34 in 1998 I was deep in the closet, destroying feminine clothes soon after buying them out of shame and other destructive behaviours which seemed all too common in the support groups I found.

     

    What has finally pushed me over the cliff edge into free-fall and self-acceptance is a combination of several things:  firstly the sense that time is running out - I came out to my wife at age 34, if I were to wait another 16 years I'd be a pensioner - secondly, landing on my feet in a great company with a supportive environment - thirdly, my 4 children all being old enough to make sense of what's happening to 'dad' and fourthly - by no means least - seeing just how clued up the millennial generation are because they have grown up with the Internet and have not been shoved into their personal hell (closet): truly I have learned from them, been inspired by them and most of all, stopped being terrified, because they are not afraid of who they are! (The down side of this is of course that it explains why there's more demand than supply for GIC services)  I then went to TransLondon's monthly meeting and left feeling euphoric and certain I'd finally figured myself out.  A friend who does not have the whole picture by any means commented that I seem happier than I have done in many years - it's obviously showing :) 

     

    So, it's a big week ahead for me: I want to come out to my eldest son; I have my appointment with my GP to request referal to GIC on Thursday (for which I have pre-filled the referral form available online with 7 points related to my gender dysphoria and 5 related to my depression) , we're celebrating my daughter's academic success on Saturday (it's her day and I'm not spoiling it by precipitating anything beforehand) then on Sunday it will be crunch day with my wife. I have the excellent award winning film XXY on DVD which I want the family to watch on Saturday night: the inescapable conclusion is that the only loving thing to do is to let people be themselves and make their own decisions about themselves - and I am hoping that my wife can grasp this concept on Sunday, however much my revelation turns her life upside down.

     

    Your student's article is great Julia. It makes me realise that the preparation I have not yet done that I could usefully do before telling my wife is to give examples of where love has triumphed and spouses have become advocates. Anything that could cause my wife to pause, reflect, educate herself and understand rather than go for the nuclear option would help. No matter how bad things become, I have to remind myself that being true to myself can never be wrong and having grasped the answer, I won't let go of it.

     

    Nikita X

      July 28, 2014 9:53 PM BST
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  • No need to thank me Nikita I thank you. I hope that what you have written above will inspire others , you have written it very well. It takes emense strength to do what you are , only a woman can do that. I have said many times females are the stronger gender! But we have to double that strength. A genetic female does not have to fight to be themselves , we do.

     

    That article to this day is the most read in that student newspaper on the website. Kate won a journalists award for it. She done a good job writing it but she did add something I never said "All it takes is courage" I asked her why she added it , her response was because it does.

     

    Todays children and teenages are very understanding , I really enjoy talking to them. You are lucky in that respect , I hope everything goes well with your wife. Maybe in your own way you could let her know it was not your fault the way you were born. When she fell in love with you it was most likely the soft feminine side of you that was the attraction. Most wives do not realise that , yes she thought you were a male and you functioned as a male but it was the inside (the heart) she fell for and it is still there. You will always be the same person on the inside I truly hope she understands that .

     

    I wish you all the best and that all goes well for you and everyone concerned. I hope your eldest Son understands and stands by you. Love hurts but it can also heal.

     

    Take care .

     

    Julia x

     

    This post was edited by Former Member at July 29, 2014 6:23 AM BST
      July 28, 2014 10:40 PM BST
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  • Dear Juilia;

     

    Thank you again for sharing a glimpse of your life with me. I can't begin to say what it means to me.

     

    Nikki, I'm glad things are going so well for you. Also, thank you for taking the time to share your story with me. I think each time one of us shares a part of themselves with everyone it makes all of us feel just a little more 'normal" and a little less alone.  Thank you all so very much.

     

    xoxo

     

    marissa

      July 28, 2014 11:24 PM BST
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  • Hi Marrisa, this is why I am here.  I love to hear stories like this, it's absolutely beautiful. We are all here for each other when things are not so good, but it is such a beautiful thing when you hear such a positive experience. Here is to you and your new friend. : )

    Briana Lynn
      July 29, 2014 1:02 AM BST
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  • Hi Nikita!

    I am sorry I spelled your name wrong!

    Xo

    Marissa
      July 29, 2014 4:09 AM BST
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  • I've been following this thread, and from what I can see, ladies, you have all reached the same conclusion as Marissa, who says "The change I wish to see in the world must begin with me"

     

    Nothing truer. Often, change is hard, emotionally and socially.  But people like yourselves, who are prepared to take that on board are the ones who will be thanked by those who follow you.  Stay strong!

      July 30, 2014 8:08 AM BST
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  • 1 146

    Thanks ,Marissa,Nikita,Julia,Amanda,

       The posts really help me , seeing similar situations , but at the same time differences with my life and situation.

    We all have to find our way ..and I am finding mine

    Like Nikita  I was  in a job in a customer facing role, and went through the motions, you can read some of the old blogs. But in the end I quit the job, - I could have done it but I really needed to spend time with my Partner Sabine. I am the worst for avoiding the issues, and " a Cave in specialist ", .. so guess thats why I am still not transitioned at 53 , but I can see some light now.A case of too much on my plate and too much juggling about . So today I can focus on sorting my health and my relationships out. Its been neccesary to spend time away and I have been lucky to do that .

    The prospect of work for me is secondary now , I have to sort out my relations ship and health recognition first.

     

     I always feel Sabine is my best Friend at heart ..but and there is always a but somewhere.. She is also a medical professional [Orthoepadic surgeon]but by no means a gender specialist..she admits is really difficult and presents a conflict to her thinking and feelings.

    I have to be strong , and truthful ... its getting to 25 years that our partnership has lasted. Time to stop and  prepare my medical letters fro GP visit tomorrow.. The beautiful Truth will out , we (I)  dont need to live in a Lie

    XX  Donna

    <p>Donna_V</p>
      July 30, 2014 8:56 AM BST
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  • I wish you all the best Donna. Life can be cruel and it is , it can also have its rewards and I hope you find yours as I did mine .

     

    Take care , Julia xx

      July 30, 2014 9:30 AM BST
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  • Hi Donna;

     

    Sometimes the people that truly love us need time to accept the changes we ask of them. That doesn't mean that that diminishes their love for us. I wish you peace and happiness!

     

    xo

     

    marissa

      July 30, 2014 5:03 PM BST
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  • Hi Donna;

     

    One more thing, my partner and I were together for 40 years and while she tried to support me, I could see how uncomfortable it made her. It was my choice to delay my journey until after she died. I didn't want anything that I might do to reflect badly on her in any way. As I have said before, that is not what she signed up for when we got together. I thought she could "fix" me. It was only after I got older and smarter that I realized that I was the only one who could fix me. Those were my choices in my life and shouldn't affect your decisions. Knowing what I know now, I would not change any of the decisions I have made. Hang in there, I think things will work out.

     

    marissa

      July 30, 2014 5:10 PM BST
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  • 1 146

    Thanks for this  Marissa,Julia,

                                               I made another step this morning by seeing Local GP Doctor  , and registering and telling him about my situation.For me its a step of being recognised in teh Medical world and Organization that Sabine is part of . Its a step I need to make and told the GP that both me and Sabine need a third party  in all this . I have feeling s of Guilt etc , but I can see that this is the only way now. We never married , Sabine was a divorcee ,said you could never make that Promise again .  We are all in different situations , But I always feel I am sharing the Same heart as you .

     

    I am getting less fearful of things now, and it was a relief to go to the GP so I will await a referral to Local Psychiatrist etc.

    THe GP was very good , he is retired but doing Locums and I felt I could trust him .

    He asked if I was okay for hormones and obliged by giving me the injection od Decapeptyl the Endocrinolgist had prescribed for me .   Love you all Donna

        

    <p>Donna_V</p>
      July 31, 2014 2:16 PM BST
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  • I am truly pleased for you Donna. Can I just point out a couple of things please?. You or anyone else here does not have to take notice or follow them but , I base my life on the following.

     

    I was not my fault the way I was born , I did not request it.

     

    Being myself is to me the most natural thing in the world.

     

    If anyone has a problem with me it is their problem not mine.

     

    Life is for living so I live it.

     

    I could go on but I will not bore any of you but , me making the rules has truly helped me. Before I transitioned others were making the rules. This is my life though so I live it by my rules not anyone elses.

     

    Take care , hugs , Julia x

      August 1, 2014 10:44 AM BST
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  • I didn't want to pour cold water over this lovely discussion, Cry but I suspect, like me, you thought this was a private forum and our messages were only for members. I was mortified to find it in Google search results on my name and readable by all.  I will leave my posts a day or two, then return and edit out potentially personally identifiable information that I did not intend to share with Google and the world!

     

    Hugs, Nikita X

      August 4, 2014 10:16 PM BST
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