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I'm going nuts.

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  • Hi, my name is Robin, I'm 24 years old and I currently live in the US, although I'm originally from Germany.

    I'm a struggling transgender woman with issues and maybe you guys could help me out here.

    When I was a little boy (bout 5 years of age) I had these dreams in which I'd visit a witch in the forest and I'd beg her (crying) to turn me into a girl. I usually woke up highly disappointed and on the verge of crying. These dreams kept on until this day, except the circumstances change. Sometimes I'll find a potion. Sometimes a spell. Sometimes I find a wizard or demon or whatever. In fact some of these dreams involve sex as a woman. It feels fantastic.

    Anyways. I grew up a bit and puberty started to slowly creep its way into me. I felt alienated initiallt because It took me until highschool to develop the way my peers did in middle school. But what I was really jealous of was the girls. I'm a feminist and always have bee (so what I used to do was in no intention of bad intent) n, and I used to stare at other girl's breasts (not for sexual arousal. Although I am atracted both sexes) I was envious of them. I thought it was really creepy when guys did it, so I stopped after a while. I was 12 at the time. Around that time as well, I would go out with my parents or friends, and while I sat on the backseat, I'd look at the lingerie models on the billboards and think "I'd love to be her". At this point it was all image based. I've never felt dysphoria with my penis. But I do feel its not exactly right. Nor my flat chest. I would borrow my sister's bra and wear it. Pretending I had breasts.

    Time passed and highschool hit. During that time I went through a suicidal depression and tried to kill myself. Not due to my gender issues, but many other things. During that time I had both a girlfriend and then a boyfriend. I used to pretend I was a girl when I was with him, and it felt good. Later on he dumped me because I was acting too feminine.

    I like to describe myself as neutral. I dont really act too much one way or another. I simply am me.

    Now, years later, I see women and I envy them so much. I want a vagina. I want breasts. I want to have a female figure. I want to wear make up and dress in female clothing. And I really, really want to experience female penetrative sex.

    Now, at the same time, I also enjoy straight male sex. I'm attracted to women mainly. I dress what you would call "manly". Mostly t shirts and skinny jeans. I like how I am. But I'd prefer not to. I want to be a woman. I really do. It's been messing me up so much lately it's not even funny. My parents would never allow or support a transition. I started college 2 years later than usual so I'm not graduated yet.

    What do you guys reccomend?

    Sorry for the wall of text.
    This post was edited by Robin Wägner at November 3, 2014 8:08 AM GMT
      November 3, 2014 8:05 AM GMT
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  • Robin,

    From what I read, you are just like me , and so many others. Any thing I put here are my own thoughts.  First, start by working on who you really are.  A profissional (therapist) should be your first contact.  Let them determine your nest step.  This is what they are trained for.  And follow all recommendations.  Don't do anything on your own, as it could be unhealthy, detrimental, and, or possibly enev fatal.  It all takes time, but so worth it.  You're young and have a wonderful life ahead.  I was 70 when I started this journey, and my only regret is that I wasn't honest with myself a long time ago.  I am, by no means, and authority, nor do I try to be.  I just know I am now happier and more content than I was for, at least 55 or 60 years of my life.

     

    Bobbi 

      November 3, 2014 12:06 PM GMT
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  • Bobbi gruetter said:

    Robin,

    From what I read, you are just like me , and so many others. Any thing I put here are my own thoughts.  First, start by working on who you really are.  A profissional (therapist) should be your first contact.  Let them determine your nest step.  This is what they are trained for.  And follow all recommendations.  Don't do anything on your own, as it could be unhealthy, detrimental, and, or possibly enev fatal.  It all takes time, but so worth it.  You're young and have a wonderful life ahead.  I was 70 when I started this journey, and my only regret is that I wasn't honest with myself a long time ago.  I am, by no means, and authority, nor do I try to be.  I just know I am now happier and more content than I was for, at least 55 or 60 years of my life.

     

    Bobbi 


    I've been looking for a therapist to help me out. I unfortunately can't afford a gender therapist. I do know of my school's psychologist, maybe there I can at least project some points in the meantime. I'm also a feminist, and I know very well the implications switching over to the other sex physically can entitle. Harrassment. Sexism. Etc. I still want to do it. Hell, I'm already a woman. Just not completely there yet. It's such an odd sensation. It's sometimes like I'm gender fluid. I don't mind my male body. In fact I like it quite a lot, to be in it and how it looks. But I guess in the end I prefer a female body. Do you think doing like a full on crossdress episode would help me better understand? I've dabbled in it in the past, but very mildly. Nothing major. Maybe a full crossdress will help? I'm physically not too masculine. Can't grow facial hair, fair skin, never had a big jaw or chiseled face, I weigh 60 kilos and I'm skinny as can be. (Not that these standards are necessarilly how women should look, but they might help). What do you think?
      November 3, 2014 1:55 PM GMT
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  • Today I was at a CVS store. By myself. I was super close to buying some eyeliner and green eyeshadow. But I didnt out of fear.

    Later I walked by the mall and I went into a women's clothing store. I just wanted to try everything and feel ok with myself. I feel so alienated sometimes. Part of me doesnt mind the male side. But the female side is very, very strong. I saw this gorgeus bra. I looked at it for quite a while and just felt right picturing myself as a woman wearing it and feeling sexy for once.

    It's those moments that make me cry at night. Not being able to be who I am. This post was edited by Robin Wägner at November 4, 2014 4:44 AM GMT
      November 4, 2014 4:43 AM GMT
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  • Robin - the way things are going for you just now indicate quite clearly you need help, and | guess that in your situation is your school psychologist.  Be as open and honest as you can with her or him.  Don't fudge around issues because of embarassment.  Psychs have heard it ALL before.  In the meantime, crossdressing - try it, I think. you.re not going to cause any harm.  As for fear - look ai the way we spell it. F E A R.  A False Expecctation Appearing Real!

     

    Go buy you lipstick or whatever.  SAs are totally used to it - and at worst you canalways use the "It's for my girlfriend" story.  However, think you should just be upfront and say I'd Like a lipstick, can yousuggest a color for my skin tone?  Keep us posted!

      November 4, 2014 5:00 PM GMT
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  • Amanda you're right. I should.

    I want to get everything I could possibly need. And see how it works out.

    As for actual changes... Do you know of any herbs or supplements to boost estrogen?

    Some people say birth control pills, but Im not sure theyre healthy to take if I dont have a vagina lol.

    Maybe some fake realistic breasts to wear from time to time and feel good with myself. While I save up for a good shrink.
      November 4, 2014 11:16 PM GMT
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  • Amanda Bruce said:

    Robin - the way things are going for you just now indicate quite clearly you need help, and | guess that in your situation is your school psychologist.  Be as open and honest as you can with her or him.  Don't fudge around issues because of embarassment.  Psychs have heard it ALL before.  In the meantime, crossdressing - try it, I think. you.re not going to cause any harm.  As for fear - look ai the way we spell it. F E A R.  A False Expecctation Appearing Real!

     

    Go buy you lipstick or whatever.  SAs are totally used to it - and at worst you canalways use the "It's for my girlfriend" story.  However, think you should just be upfront and say I'd Like a lipstick, can yousuggest a color for my skin tone?  Keep us posted!


    GOOD NEWS! I did it. I got mascara, eyeliner, eyelash enhancer and a wig to wear... I was suprised by the results... my face looks very feminine... despite the adams apple. My heart was racing. I was crying. I even painted my nails and wore a bra. I spend half the night like that playing my guitar, taking pictures and feeling like a geniune woman. I'm still racing from it because I did it again a few minutes ago... I feel free...
      November 6, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
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  • I cannot recommend that you take any specific course, but I will tell you what I did 40 some years ago. I felt like you and I bought panties, bras, and skirts, sweaters and dresses. I am a sculptor so I made very realistic breastforms, and the results is a beautiful life. I feel so good and so free when I walk anywhere out in the public. Over time I also made my body look very feminine which make me feel good anywhere.

     

    My idea is that I will buy anything from anyone because I am certain that this sales clerk is not going to terminate me because I as a guy am buying a dress to wear. Have no fear and it gives much joy. Talk to as many reasonable people as you can, give a lot of thought as to where you are going and in the end know and be true to yourself.

     

    Jacqueline

      December 30, 2014 3:34 AM GMT
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  • Hi Robin.

     

    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 24 and have come to the realisation that I want to be a woman. I have a girlfriend and 2 children and my parents aswell. I have tried telling my mum and my girlfriend, my mum was somewhat shocked/surprised and was curious about how it worked. My girlfriend seemed the same when I told her but after an hour it sunk in and she became really angry, rejectful and upset. This caused me to over the following days retreat against my original honesty, things were really rocky for a while, she tried taking me shopping for guys clothes saying "Maybe it's because you haven't bought any new clothes for 6 years" but the whole time I was there I was staring at the women's clothing section with an intense longing.
    I even started shaving my legs and other areas of "man hair" but this only made things worse and since then I have stopped doing that.

    I quite frequently take the time to go looking around clothing shops and at make-up sections. I have quite a few excuses in mind such as "I'm shopping for my disabled sister" or "I'm a make-up artist" or a "cosplayer" in need of make up. I've never had to use them, but I feel more at ease having some excuses when I go out shopping.

    I actually have a small collection of clothes and make-up that I hide in the back of my car, under the spare wheel compartment. I have actually recently started getting "woman-ed up" in disabled toilets in the shopping center and going shopping as Emily. I feel horrendously self conscious when I do, but I also feel amazing at the same time.
    The worst part being that my figure is nothing of woman yet, I'm overweight, quite large and very hairy. But I enjoy dressing as a woman so much I just can't help myself.


    I'm in no way an example to follow as I feel like I've started this journey off completely wrong already. But I'm hoping you take something out of what I've said. I'm only really just starting out, most people here will have waaaaay more experience and better advice than me. But all I want you to know is:

    You are NOT alone...

    There is no "right" and "wrong" way to deal with this...

    Love yourself (the current inner self as the outer doesn't reflect you yet) and others will follow.

     

    Hope you're okay hun.

    - EmJay

      February 27, 2015 2:08 PM GMT
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  • Robin, right now you are at the top of a rollercoaster.  Heady with the adventure, and the possibbilities of the future.

     

    You feel free.  Right now.  However - and perhaps you do not want to know this - reality willcome crashing in and say

    "Robin - how do we integrate this passion into real life."  Here, dear girl, is the foundation for your future.  Slow.  Sloow.

     

    Draw back from the brink of fantasy.  As I said before, you really DO need help - profesional help.  Make that your priority.  Pleas slow down and take care.

     

    Hugs, Amanda

      February 27, 2015 7:39 PM GMT
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  • Hi Robin,

     

    First of all, I think you're really brave to post on here. It's not an easy conversation to have, or to start, so good for you and more power to you for being strong and starting the conversation.

     

    I would like to just give you my opinion on stuff - and please understand that this is only my opinion, I'm not a therapist or anything like that - but I think a lot of the hurt and unhappiness that people feel is due to pressures that society puts on men to act and behave in certain ways, and shaming pressures against certain other ways.

     

    I truly believe that a man who goes into a makeup store and buys eyeliner for the first time is just as brave as, if not more brave than, a soldier fighting in a war. It's really really hard to go against all the pressures that society places on us and to go against the social norms that our friends and family impose on us is very very difficult.

     

    But you have to start on this journey, you have to find out who YOU really are - and that may lead to a lot of different places. It may just lead back to you being a different sort of male person who is comfortable with their feminine aspects, or it could lead to full transitioning - I don't claim to speak to your experience, and nobody can - except, maybe a therapist. But you can do a lot on your own. The MOST IMPORTANT THING is that YOU love YOURSELF. So don't let ANYBODY tell you what to do - not the guys you know, not your family, not the people on this forum, the most important thing is YOU. You need to do what feels right for you, and you need to maybe figure out what that is - it's OK if you don't know yet. It's all part of the journey through life. But don't let ANYBODY, straight, gay, bi or trans bully or push you in any direction you aren't comfortable with. This is about finding YOUR path, and the only person who can decide what direction to take is you.

    It might be hard for people around you, but they will learn to deal with it. People who love you will STILL love you, because that's what love is - it's not about judging or control, it's about giving a person your support.

    You can go your own way! Don't let ANYBODY bully you. Do what you feel is right, and those people who are worth having in your life WILL support you.

    Love and light,
    Alice

      April 7, 2015 1:55 AM BST
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  • Hi Robin

     

    Sex and Gender are not the same thing and being attracted to one or the other or both sexes isn't really an indicator of how you see yourself.

     

    What you've talked about isn't uncommon, in fact its not far off what I went and am going through. I was bashing myself up a little while ago and then realised it was just more important to be who i felt at the time. Personally I like the benifits of both genders and feel no desire to switch either way (although I've had similar dreams of which the most recent was a vampire that turned me into a woman....).

     

    Still at my core, I'm both male and female and enjoy the flexibility to express as both (no I'm not intersexed).

     

    A number of the other people have suggested you seek help and I'd agree with conferring with a professional but I also know thye will try to put you in particular boxes (something I always had troubles with).

      May 6, 2015 1:12 PM BST
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