Once upon a time nearly 2015 years ago there were 3 thick men (now there are billions of them). Anyway the 3 thick men were sitting in the desert and as per usual were really bored then one said Hey! I know what we can do! The other two said what? Lets follow that star up there. The other 2 said are you mad? The one who had the idea said have you got any better ideas because if you 2 think sticking cactus needles in me is fun I can tell you it is not. So the 3 thick men agreed to follow a star. After the first night the 2 that agreed said we are not getting any closer to it and we have been walking all night. The leader said give it time we will rest by day and start again tomorrow.

Well the next night came and off they set again following a star. One said can we go back to sticking cactus needles in you it is not such hard work? No we must follow that star. So as dawn was breaking and the star faded away the other 2 said we still have not got any closer this is effin stupid. We are getting closer said the leader! No we are not you feckin head case it is still in the same place if you ask me its moving away from us as we walk on purpose. We will rest and start our journey again tomorrow night said the leader! Rest said one of them I am close to death and the other said look at my bloody blisters. Shut up we are getting closer so sleep and we will start our journey again tomorrow night. One said to the other I wish we were in the UK we would not be able to see the effin star for the clouds.

The third night came and off they set again and murder was on the minds of the other 2 thick men. Are you totally nuts that effin star is still in the same place and we have been walking for nearly 3 nights. No we are getting closer I know we are . About an hour before dawn one shouted LOOK A TOWN! Lets find a pub and get pissed. No we will go into the town and rest said the leader.

They entered the town and ran to the inn and went in the inn because the inn was open and they went in the inn and when they were in the in the inn keeper said get out of my inn. Being called an inn one of the 3 thick men said no this is an inn not an out. Ok you can come in my inn what do you want?. We have been following a star for 3 nights to get here and we are tired and thirsty. Right you lot get out of my inn you are obviously pissed already. No we are sober we need to be in your inn because we are thirsty and we need rest. Okay one pint and thats it you are out of my inn , 3 pints then please out keeper. The 3 men sat down and one lit up a cigarette and the inn keep shouted right you lot out of my inn have you not heard of the smoking ban?.

They all went out of the inn (is there a song coming to mind). They stood outside with their pints and one said , look a barn lets go in there. They walked in the barn and it was packed with people and animals. What do you 3 want? Shouted a Donkey (this is made up) We have followed a star for 3 nights and it led us here! Get out your pissed said the sheep. No we have already been kicked out of the inn and anyway whats going on here? . We are all here to witness the virgin birth said a man , and you think we are pissed said the 3 thick men?. How can you have a virgin birth?. The man explained that Mary was about to give birth and she is a virgin. One thick man said who is Mary's husband? I am said Joseph . Another thick man said how did she get a bun in the oven if shes a virgin? Don't ask me said Joseph I hav'nt touched her she is fridgid.

Just at that moment a voice said its coming! What is said the cow?. The baby! Push push said the Turkey , shut up said the horse you are tomorrows dinner. Then all of a sudden a baby was born by a virgin. Well thats it the show is over get out you lot said Mary. Hold on said one of the thick men what are you going to call it? . Well its a boy any ideas anyone , how about Joseph after his father? . Joseph said you leave me out of this its not mine she swears shes a virgin. Just at that moment one of the thick men droped a house brick on his foot and shouted Jesus Christ my effin foot.

Thats it said Mary there is his name! What house brick said the cow? No I can't call him house brick. Effin foot then said the donkey! No I can't call him effin foot. I am lost said the horse as he had a crap on the turkey (tomorrows dinner). No I will call him Jesus Christ. And so it came to pass Jesus Christ was born in a barn from a virgin surrounded by animals and perverts.

Right out you lot I need sleep and peace said Mary. The 3 thick men said this in out stuff is doing our heads in. Mary said have you brought me gifts? . Gifts? Are you having a laugh all I have is a pack of Benson and Hedges , they will do they are in a gold pack. What about you number 2 what have you got? Just my dog he replied , whats its name said Mary? . It is Ggrrr , that will do I will have that. Come on you number 3 what have you got? . Just my Frankenstein mask I use to scare these 2 with , right give it here then. So Mary had her gifts of Gold (pack) Frankenstein and Ggrrr.

From the Gospel according to Julia. Chapter 673 page 739 paragraph 890 . Well its a big book.