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Hi I am an involuntary Transexual and my wife is struggling

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  • Hi there has anybody got any words of wisdom I can pass on to my wife .I have had my testicles destroyed and cannot tolerate testosterone so my body is feminising quite extensively and I have been told that I have no option but to live with it.My wife understandebly is finding this hard to come to terms with .Niether of us want our relationship to fall apart bot as she said once I married a Man not a woman and I am not Gay .she is horrified at the thought of me dressing feminine but my breast development is now at the stage I cannot hide my boobs so much so it was noticed at work and as my firm has an extensive LGBT policy HR thought I should register as transexual for my protection and arranged for councelling so I had to tell her .She was not Happy .Any tips or advice will be verry gratefully recieved

     

    Hugs Anita

      February 20, 2015 11:47 AM GMT
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  • Hi Anita.

    You could allow your wife to look at this website to see that she and you are not alone. Do you want to transition?. If you do then your marriage can go two ways. It either continues or ends. If it continues then your wife will have to accept you for who you are and if she cannot then it will end.

     

    Love can be very strong and it can also destroy lives! It can hold you together or tear you apart. There is no crystal ball and you cannot see into the future and we cannot either.

     

    It is good to see your employer is looking out for you! I have not heard of registering as a transexual though , that could be the way you worded it. I guess you mean that they are aware that you are transexual and , will protect your rights to be who you are within your work place.

     

    If you do intend to transition and your marriage survives then you would be Gay! You would be two females (Lesbian).

    You do not have to answer this but were your testicles destroyed as a medical act for the reason of you being you?. I mean was it your decision?.

     

    Anyway I have work to do but I hope you find your answers .

     

    Take care xx

     

    Edit: Spell error

    This post was edited by Former Member at February 20, 2015 12:38 PM GMT
      February 20, 2015 12:36 PM GMT
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  • Hi Julia I had an illness that damaged my testicles and stopped them working.

    And as to transitioning I am getting to the stage that I can not hide how feminine I am getting

    Strangely enough I have gained an ally to helping my wife come to terms with things in my daughter in law and my granddaughter they want to help my wife get used to seeing me dressed by having a girly night in with me included and dressed and made up.hopefully she will get to see that I am still the same person only dressed differently 

      February 20, 2015 4:25 PM GMT
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  • Hi Anita.

    You must have always been Transexual then. The damage to you testes would not make you transexual , well if it did it is news to me (I am not an expert) just never heard of it.

     

    Being Transexual is something you are born with , it is genetic . Losing your testes would not make you feel in your mind that you wish to be female or change gender or not the correct gender,  it must have been there all of the time.

     

    As a child did you feel you were in the wrong body?. You would have struggled with your gender identity before your illness if you are Transexual. As far involulantary transexualism goes it is something forced upon you by involantary use of female hormones on a male. It forces the male to grow breasts and other feminising features but it is against their will and would not make them wish to change gender "It is forced" It is not a choice , the person would not enjoy life and most end their lives over it. If you wish to change then you are not an involantary Transexual.

     

    Hope that makes sense. I think you should talk to your doctor about the way you feel. Your doctor will refer you to a specialist to figure things out.

     

    Take care x

      February 20, 2015 4:58 PM GMT
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  • Anita, I have reached a set of compromises with my wife that seems to be working out OK.  We too want our marriage to endure and she has zero desire to live a lesbian lfe style.  But we really have a strong love between us.  So since I've begun hormones over 5 years ago, the "desire" to dress has diminished alomst entirely.  And to make things OK at home, I agreed not to wear female clothing nor makeup, which is perfectly fine for me.  I look female enough without all the extras.  In return, she gives me a good 6-8 hours daily to go out and do whatever which is when I'll apply a little makeup and wear feminine clothing.  I have promised not to embarras her and just move in my own circle when out.  The body changes are non-negotiable as there is no turning back...anyhow, try compromising with her on little things and go from there. 

    Best wishes always!

    Traci xoxo

    <p>Traci</p>
      February 20, 2015 5:31 PM GMT
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  • Anita - you say that you had an accident that"stopped your testicles working".  Would you care to enlarge on that and tell us exactly what you mean.  I think you have been vary courageous to have been so open thus far, but if you could add a bit more detail. 

     

    Are you talking hormonal deficiency here, erectile dysfunction, or what? So she married a man and she is not gay etc. If the boot was on the other foot, and you had married a woman who eventually, shall we say, developed chronic vaginismus to the point where penetrative sex was no longer an option,  what would you feel, and how do you think she might expect you to acommodate to the new physical realities of your relationship?

    Hoping to help,

    Amanda.

      February 20, 2015 7:46 PM GMT
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  • Hi Julia thinking about what you said I must admit that I have always had a very strong feminine side  to my personality and this happening to me to be totally honest suits me down to the ground.the reason I say it's involuntary is I did nothing to cause it .I just got an infection that attacked my testicles and they stopped working so I am now suffering erectile dysfunction breast growth facial feminization my feminine side of my personality is taking over my thinking.by the way the illness was over a year ago.I have been to the endocrinologist tried testosterone gel and reacted badly to it so much so the wife pleaded with me to stop using it.the endocrinologist said that injections would be worse so I would just have to live with the feminization.being a lifetime crossdresser I personally embrace the idea of transitioning but my wife having been brought up an Irish Catholic finds the whole idea of me dressed as a female wrong. But according to some friends at work I am rapidly reaching male fail and I will have to do something soon .I would be quite willing to only socially transition in other words stay preoperative if that will preserve my marriage but personally I think I would prefer to fully transition.my marriage is. Very important to me we have been together over 20years.as to counciling I am starting next week.at the moment the wife is unwilling to attend with me.luckily I have the support of my daughter in law and the wife's granddaughter.they are working on her to bring her round .the daughter in law told me that they had seen the changes in me and actually prefer the more feminine me .I have found that I am doing things that as a man I would never have contemplated like getting my ears pierced wearing a necklace my taste in clothing has done a complete turn around going from dull hide in the corner colours to pinks reds bright yellows and such like .in fact a complete turn around in personality.no wonder people Noticed things where different.you know writing this is the first time that I personally have became aware of these things for myself.this is a bit of a self revelation making me look at myself properly for the first time.I hope this answers all of your questions hugs anita ps thanks for the eyes opening lol

      February 21, 2015 12:36 AM GMT
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  • Hi Anita.

    You do not have to thank me for opening your eyesSmile. Self awareness is very important and you have now discovered the reasons why. Others have become aware of your changes most likely before you did.

    I think , and this is only my opinion that if your wife cannot accept you for who you are then your marriage will end. I only say that because your wife being Catholic is not a good sign.

     

    I was born into a Catholic family and they are the least accepting members of society I know of. Their religion and faith in that religion over rides the most important things in life and that includes relationships. Your wifes unwillingness to attend counselling with you is a good sign that she wants to close her eyes to what is going on and stand by your side through this. She may change over time and come around to accepting what is going on but she may just close her eyes and ignore the whole thing. It is not something that can be or should be ignored though! It will not go away.

     

    I do not know if you have heard of Leelah Alcorn? . She was just 17 years old and walked in front of the path of an oncoming truck to end her life. She done that because her Christian parents would not accept who she was. They sent her to a Christian therapist to cure her. There is no cure for Gender Dysphoria apart from accepting it. It cannot be made to go away be any therapist. The only true cure is to just be yourself.

    Leelah's parents did in actual fact end their own childs life through pure ignorance and thinking God is the cure. I always tell anyone who brings God into a conversation that involves me that if your God created me then blame him/she/it. I do that as my line of defence because I was brought up being forced to read the Bible and it says God created me . Well if God did create me then he/she/it screwed up not me. Maybe you could tell that to your wife? It may just bring her down to earth (no disrespect intended). If God is more important than your relationship then something is wrong.

     

    Take care x.

      February 21, 2015 10:13 AM GMT
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  • Now hold on about blambing God and not putting Him first.  Bad things happen all the time and it is not God who engineers them.  It is evil and the ripples that evil deeds create.  What God does it try to turn the bad that happens into a good somewhere for someone.  If a bad event happens, that isn't God.  If any good comes out of it, that is God.  

    With that said, I do believe that God does allow certian struggles in our lives to take place as either a test or a learning experience for us to grow.  It seems to me that what has happened here is a learning experience and a test.  God should always come first, both to you and to your wife.  I agree that Catholics are the least accepting religious group.  I feel they have missed the point of Jesus.  Jesus dies so that we may be saved through grace and not works.  However, the Catholics ritualistic worship shows they are stuck on works and have not embraced the grace.  They fear a God that rains wrath of hardship and struggle upon his people if they don't follow the rituals.  However, the fact is that God is actually love. It says it right in the bible plain and clear.  For that reason, what you should fear about God is not how miserable he will make your life if you disobey him, but rather disapointing him by disrespecting his gift in Jesus.

    Now, in the case of TS and TG, I think it is a test for most to test that love of Jesus and a test of judgment.  We are here on this earth to help one another and not pass on any judgments or punishments for things that depend on matters of the heart.  Whatever is in your heart about your gender identity is not up to others to judge or punish.  Their judgment is limited to their own understanding and not the infinate understanding of God.  (Another place Catholics fall short in my opinion)  If your wife loves you then she is supposed to love you for who you are and not who she wants you to become or not become.  Everyone has a risk of having something bad happen to them.  That doesn't mean that they are no longer the same person.  Your wife married you for better or for worse.  The two have become one and what effects you effects her.  If she isn't entirely happy with change, then it is her problem to deal with, but it should not mean that she doesn't love you any more.  You may be alright with your change, but it is something that happened to your marriage and not just you.  She has to accept that and her adjustments as your spouse.  To break the covenant of marriage she made with God, would make God sad and that is what she should fear.  That is where the sin would come in.  We do not get to choose who we are and have limited control sometimes as to who we become.  However, how we deal with life and its trials is what will define us in God's sight.  So, for her is is a test to see if she can follow the commandments of the covenant of marriage she agreed to or if she will let vanity and selfishness win out and sin against God by breaking that covenant for those reasons.  Either she loves all of you for who you are or she never has.  That is what it all comes down to.  It is up to you to pray for her to make the right decision and trust in the Lord to help her do it.  But it is her test and not yours.  

    I am curious as to what the infection was that started this transition.  Was it like the flesh eating strep or was it just like an ingrown hair that got out of control?  How did you contract it and when did you realize that it wiped out your testicles?  Did it damage anything else?  Were you hospitalized over it?  And what did they do to stop it?

    Curious Courtney

      October 27, 2015 3:14 PM GMT
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  • Hi all as to the Cause of the infection It just started as a chest infection type thing then spread into lymph system and eventually to my testicals .at the time I was in great pain and confined to bed for weeks .eventually the pain receded and I thought nothing more about it the first sign that something was physically going on was about 9 months later when my wife noticed that I was growing breasts and sent me to the doctors .As to our relationship things are getting better she is a lot better now . I am now full time living as a woman and she is fine with me dressing femininly as long as I do not wear Dresses or skirts . We had a wonderful Cruise together that We really enjoyed .She is realy trying to accept things and We have vowed to do all We can to stay together .I am extremely lucky in the fact that I am able to pass fully as a woman when out at first this bothered my wife and she made a point of introducing Me to people as her Husband (It used to really bug me I can tell You) .but after coming back from our holiday she has been a lot better .We went out saterday shopping all Day and not once did she OUT Me or even cringe when I was called madam so We are making progress .I have a big 20 Year award presentation to go to soon a formal do and I am expected to go  as Toni .I think her Daughter has been pressurising her to ley Me wear a Gown but when We where out looking for an outfit for Me to Wear she Did bless her heart look at some gowns but I saw the look of distaste on her face and the shudder that went through her and told her I am fine wearing trousers and We picked out a realy girly outfit that We both liked so a compromise was reached (But I would have liked a Frock LOL)

      October 29, 2015 11:09 AM GMT
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  • I am happy for you Toni.  It sounds like your wife is a really good person.  I think you are very fortunate and blessed to have someone like that by your side.  If you are not already doing this, tell her so daily.  Let her know that you appreciate the struggle she is having with all of this and that you are trying to be considerate of her whenever possible.  It makes it go a lot farther when they know you are appreciating their efforts and trying to help them whenever you can.  It will make her work harder and be more accepting as time goes on.  I am facing similar isues with my wife and it really does make a difference.  I am sorry that the catilyst that started this all was so painful and debilitating.  However, it sounds like your recovery is going quite well.  Keep up the good work and hang in there.  I hope all continues to go well through your transition, marriage, and life.

      October 29, 2015 3:03 PM GMT
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