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  • 11 Dec 2013
    Writing down a few thoughts and sharing as it has been 2 weeks since I announced to HR at work that I was Transgendered, was under medical supervision and I was going to transition. All of this has been an informal talk to HR one to one. very open , and to the point . On the one hand its a really big Relief, and I must admit there is a certain release of energy you get and will need all of this new found energy when you do this. Because .      On the other hand there is the realization that this freedom and release means you have opened the door and walked into somewhere with people to deal with and make things happen for you . This is very different to  the past , and the protection of "your own world behind closed doors", in which you can choose avoidance , so people will not bother you . The contrast  Black box logic seems to work ,leave it.dont open the black box it will never work again if you do!!  White box logic :- its a gift a present what nice things can we put inside it , the best thing is that you have to open the white box, .Otherwise whats the point how will you be able to use and enjoy the nice things inside. Well it is getting toward Christmas time , I have a lot of work and packaging presentation to do       Back to my transition at work , Message from HR is that I am the expert in this and I have to guide them, so plenty of things fro me to inform them about . Meaning I get to put all the white and black boxes into one big white Box , but they are allowed to watch so its not too much of a surprise  afterall there is nothing worse than an unwanted present, and other people will be there . And  also I am fully responsible for a happy outcome. Fair enough. get on with it .    Donna         
    1521 Posted by Donna V
  • 03 Mar 2015
    I could be flippant and say I have Severe Procrastination Disorder, but its really quite simple when I can look myself . Its goes like this   REALIZATION and FALSE REALiITY-you know you are Transgendered , but clueless, l-ike me you may well have lived a life not felling 100% percent part of things just didnt feel right.Overtime you get the build up of the shell, and knowledge of expectations , so you know what to do , but REALLY you dont feel any joy in doing it, yes even when someone tells you its great . Over years I have managed to break down the shell, trying to minimise the impact on others . all the time making countless mistakes . The truth is these mistakes are unavoidable- ONLY when I accepted myself and the need to transition did I start to get control of my life and be able to change the outcomes from the false expectations to follow in a particular path    LITTLE STEPS , TIGHT ROPE WALKING,LOOK around whose Talking.-NO surprise you get isolated and turned in on yourself and your fears .Even those who seem to share your life may be excluded , they have their fears and so do you -where will this end? what will happen when you losse you job, etc you really do need that tight rope dont you ? meanwhile everyone looks at the tight rope walker fearing a fall.Just maintain the balance.steady they shout below CYCles around again- what a complcated life -it seems to only be sustainable if you keep on a cycle on the tight rope . you are up in the air , but have to concentrate so much you are actually nowhere. disorientated and not connected .Some people are crazy why do they do those things?   CHANGES , nothing solid ,No control needed, FLY , no need to bother WHY.NO justification IT just happens and was always going to -Maybe The tight rope snaps, maybe just the wind affecting balance-  CYCLESs always break,  Horror shock no safety Harness , no Insurance -You are there in the air , but its okay  because you knew you always had WINGS- some people just cant work this out ,somepeople will never have to learn to FLY though. SOmepeople dont have wings and insist no one else does but BIRDS.BUT for some of US -We have to  FLY, its a neccessity its our only way to be Love Donna      
    1198 Posted by Donna V
  • 24 Nov 2012
    Hi , Thought i would just put something down here for the folks who visit here.A bit introspective though . I have just had a week holiday, my partner is visting her father in Germany. I am at home with dogs doing things around the House , and yes enjoying a few shopping trips . . pretty much Donna fulltime , and its difficult to hide the way I am am  , but some "bullets have not been bitten" still . I just read Karen Moores Blog 7th September this year , about the true realities of a Transwoman facing the Changes in relationships . its one thing to tell your long standing partner that you cross dress , that you have problems , and maybe you get cornered with that awful  confontation ultimatum. Its a reality that this situation can last for a few years .I find the big problem for me is that I am so forgiving , so ready to put up with it .But there comes a time when :- - Your Gender therapist at CX in UK says "Somethings gotta give..." - You can see the "chalk and cheese"  of when you are happy as you and  the grating Ambiguity of acting out the other.  - You see that the really "awful confrontation Ultimatum" is the cyclically damaging denial that occurs  inside  - You may hear from those close to you "But I thought you were happy with the way things are". The translation is I am happy to be with you and help you , making compromising in my own life, living in a kind of hope that you will understand , and that there is a possibility of a better relationship.   - You feel a deep longing to say [ Blurt out loud with emotion] to those around you " Its not the End of the world if I change to be a woman, Really ". In fact it really would be a whole lot better.   -theres a balance of having control of your own life , and the pragmatic,practical of being able to keep yourself in good health and feel a useful part of other peoples lives.For many of us [ and not just Trans], it seems that the ignorance that denial imposes prevents us from getting that degree of control and good mental health  in our lives that allows us to move on.   Finally You feel that Those around you have seen the signs , and that this really is the time that they can accept you and allow change.. Wishing you all well  Donna XX back to the house work et al
    1040 Posted by Donna V
  • 03 Jun 2011
    in the last x years I have read a  fair few blogs [Probably like a lot of you ] , and constantly surprised by the way the Internet media is allowing us to see and share our lives . Currently I am in a bit of a reflective phase ...as i see myself changing for the better and feeling more balanced , but also seeing that this means changes for other people.What encourages me is that the more I make the moves to transition the more able I am to appreciate the people around me and "function" better. Some of the changes may naturally mean things coming to a head or a decision to be made, so i am preparing myself     Overall I am reassured by a lot of what I have picked up from this site and also by seeing a Transgender Counsellor . I am grateful for this , as it has allowed me to move from  that strange  awkward self doubting existence  based on expectations I now percieve as the past . I got a letter from GID CX in UK after seeing local GP and local Psych[5-6months]..so things are moving on the official front, ... Many things still to learn, but not daunted :-)  
    1010 Posted by Donna V
Society Girl's Personal Blogs 6,626 views Jan 16, 2012
Waterloo Sunset, and The Miranda Score

So Today ,

I took a days Holiday  went to London, main reason was see  gender Specialist for routine appointment. Writing now I think I should explain first what a "Miranda" is and How its part of a Transgendered Persons life [ at least M2F]. Miranda Hart is a UK Comedienne [ a GG] quite commonly on Television, See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miranda_Hart

Main facet of Mirandas comedy is based on her Physical Image, See You Tube Medley to get the idea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTf17cmPl0I

.  -There it is , delivery Man comes in to Mirandas Pet shop, asks for a signature , Miranda Scribbles , delivery Man says "Thank you Sir" and casually carries on with his job. Miranda just looks to Camera No words ... The expression says " Yes I  get this and not for the first time , not a lot I can do about it, seeing as you have already made up your mind. ".

I love this because it is Humour as an education by means of self reflection, not as a harmful  sneer at someone else.   [theres a quote not sure where- If you can laugh at youself you will always be amused].

 

 So you are  trying your best , refining the changes and look. Your Voice is not Great though. --Yes thats me, but I am happy with things.

- My first Miranda was getting a Rail Ticket. I asked the Lady at the Ticket Kiosk for an all day Ticket with London Underground pass and paid for it by Card. Possible reason was I handed over the Card [ name not changed] , or Probably Voice. it was early morning.Incidentally I thought I was being wise by buying the Underground ticket  at the start of the journey, as on a Previous Outing London I got a Miranda from the Waterloo Station Ticket office . I thought Image wise I looked alright, clothes selection and Hair are good , and I just tend to be very relaxed, helps the movement.

  Before the second Miranda , I walked up and down Oxford Street before 9.30, Shops where not open yet[ it is London afterall]. The early Breakfast cups of Tea had taken their effect, leading me to seek out an early Opening Coffee shop. I prefer Costa Coffee , but settled for Starbucks at the point of Mild desperation. Thats nice , discreet 2 Floor lay out and  Unisex Toilets. , through the Door, ladies  is seperate okay, oh dear a queue..This early!!. At this point in time I am okay ,but did not want to wait in the queue . I guess there is a side to me that says be discreet you just want to fit in and be unnoticed, even if there is a remote chance I dont want anyone to be upset If I am queuing in the ladies. Plan B theres another Starbucks other side of the road, . Had a small Mocha, and Fruit Salad.  Iam sure "Skinny Latte" sounds more feminine than Mocha  , but I like the chocolate and dont understand why any Milk should be skimmed and made skinny in the first case.

I am revived after the Mocha and Fruit salad. My tip for weight is eat lots of fruit . It has been proven that the Fruit Bat is the greediest Animal in the Zoo in terms of consumption over Body weight, and it can still fly.

There are some thoughts i put down on the IPAd in preperation for the Appointment , remind myself of some questions to be asked, go through what has been changing and my circumstances. I tend to be more balanced and Focused about everything now..long may this continue ..but there is life and the things we cannot control

 

- Second Miranda- By this  time the shops have opened so I take advantage of the large Selection, still Sales Items available. I am very Selective nowadays , and the mones are having the effect that I am more discriminating . the fabrics have got to be soft and make me go mmh thats nice. Time to try somethings on.... I cannot go over board as it is the age of Austerity and I am as affected by the economic situation as most people. Ah Just got time before the appointment .. I try on the Garments in the Ladies Fitting room after being presented with the plastic security key thingy by the Lady attendent. I am slowly getting used to the Multi mirror s front back and side . Unfortunately there an angle that   draws attention to my Thick neck, which has not yet been masked over by my hair growing long. Still its getting better , and not as bad as it once was.  The Jumper with roll neck is very good and has a long body length , extends  passed the bum and billows out a bit there .will go weel with a High Waist Belt[ my prefferedDress fix] breaks the Naturally Straight Body line allows curves to be suggested by the Dress Drape [ I think anyway]. Other throw over long cardy is good also , very Soft and light Purple [colour i like] and the big plus of pockets . I am always on the look out for convenient dresses with pockets , but Choice looks limited.

Meanwhile I listen to the 2 Lady Attendents  Chatting ,The young One says something about an instance when she got upset with her  Dad and said  "Listen you dont know what its like to be a Teenage Girl with all these Hormones". 

Pleased with Myself as the price was good I go to the older Lady Attendent "How where they ", "Very Good, I think I will take these" I said ,

I handed over the Plastic Security thingy.."Thank You Sir" She said  0-2

I quickly Paid for the Wooly Jumpers , with card, and Rushed  to the appointment

It was my Third Appointment , but they must have changed something on the entrance As I could not locate it I embarrasingly rang them to ask which number . All went well at the appointment .

 

Afterwards I was reflecting on my reaction to the Miranda instances, and trying to make sure  I have smiley contented type face . This is actually How I feel nowadays , but I am conscious that through the years I default to a scowl which is not friendly , and does not really help me [ ot anyone else for that Matter].

I walk  pass by this small petit Lady Hair swept Back well defined Smiley Cheeks , dressed casually and stylish and warm [ there is still a bit of morning chill]. Afterwards I think Could that Have been Kylie. Well those sort of things dont matter. [ In a past incident  Jose Mourinho bashed my Computer bag whilst rusing to get to the lift in a Hotel in Korea whilst I was on a business trip [ in the boom time]. I did not notice it was him , as he is considerably smaller than my perception 

 well outside my Radar Screen. ] We are all People , however famous ,however different .

 

After Appointment . I had a nice Quiet Contemplative Lunch of Tea and a small Sandwich. Eating it slowly Whilst lloking at the Aerial display of Formation Pidgeons  from the window on a high floor in the dept store Coffee shop . I felt relaxed. I went back to the department store to get some girly Running Togs. I like to keep Fit and cross country Running,jogging what ever you like to call it has always been something I do and find comfort it, especially early in the morning when its quiet and still.

I found a few pairs that will do me Amazingly I do not get an additional Miranda in the process, 

  I meander my Way to the bottom floor and go past the Cosmetic dept , lovely Scents. I think I have not really got a good grasp of Make up , too many other things to sort out and occupying my mind . But today is an opportunity. London is not bad in this respect , there is a certain anonymity you can have , afterall There are lots of tall Girls , Lots of varied people

Many of the people in London have the attitude " I will only see you once "

. I am not trying to draw attention to myself . The mones are certianly making me feel more relaxed. I ask on e of the attendents at he cosmetic counter what is the recommendation for Fair skinned People like me with Auburn hair , and light Eye brows . Sensing a a Sale .. I was made to feel comfortable and seated [ in the middle of a Busy London department Store] and advised wwith a makeover . My eyes where done also , I wish I could do Eyeliner.. Wow thats  good I never thought My face and eyes could look this good . Lesson there is no shame in concealer]

It was time to make my way back to the train station to return home . I got off the underground at Embarkment, remembering there was a Costa Coffee shop there. I had a small Mocha , and Blueberry Muffin and was called Madam. [1-2].

I sat close to a Eurpean couple [French and Italian] of my Age talking, The lady was talking about  her Eyesight ,after 40 ,50 and glasses to her partner. She looked at me as I was just putting my glasses back on after cleaning them  ,I smiled , she smiled back.Sometimes theres a reminder We share more in common than our differences.

[ The Miranda scores mean nothing  stop counting]

I  decided to walk over Jubilee Bridge to Waterloo Station. it winter time now and the suns getting lower. Its been a nice day and the sky has cleared enough to now be warm. I stop halfway across the bridge, look at the water , and shut my eyes toward the sun. Its just Nice to take some time away for yourself occasionally. My mind often adds a sountrack to events , it started to play Waterloo Sunset . This made me feel good . I remember liking english Writing creative essays at school , there was big poster in the class room of Terence Stamp and Juliet Christie."Far from the Madding Crowd". Happy Times... I ambled along to the train station and went home .. A day well spent . time to simply capture it


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