Four more days will bring me to the 3/4 mark of my first year living full-time. It has happened very quickly. It has been very good. I am finding comfort in my new role. Clothes do not entirely make the person, fitting those clothes and being comfortable in them, physically and emotionally is necessary. I guess -- and I have to say guess -- that I reaching that. There are uncertain moments where I realize that the impression I make is now pretty much what it will always be. I am comfortable as a female and think that I act (without being false or contrived) as a female. I am learning how it is that men treat women and how women treat women. It is a different world than I'm used to. Occasionally, I catch myself in a female gesture, pose or response and wonder at the origin. Has this really been latent in me? There is a pinch of alarm on occasion when I realize that my 'maleness' is noticeably diminished. Some of this I attribute to no longer being self-aware of acting 'like a guy should' which was my past. I am coming to terms with my marriage. The tears and heartache are much reduced. There are now moments of whistful recall, moments of wishing but more and more moments of anticipation for the future. All of this will somehow be survivable even thriveable (if that is a word). I am feeling a longing for a companion, a feeling that I never expected in me and puzzled at in others. I have more friends now as Ann than I've ever had. I am treated will and well liked and yet somehow there is a loneliness to all of this. I don't know if this partner will be male or female. I don't know even if I have the courage to make the attempt to find someone like this. This is a mystery for the future. Finally my Bi-Polar is coming under control. I'm not quite there yet but vastly improved in my mental and emotional outlook. There was a lost ten years when my attending GP failed to diagnose me correctly. All one can do is shrug and move on. There are still glitches, still bad days, but more and more a constant feeling of wellbeing. It is that well being that allows me to go out as Ann and accept how I am accepted. (Recently, an older couple came into the store and on seeing me the man loudly asked, "What's with the guy in the kilt?" Such is life.) I have submitted an Intention to Register for the fall term at King's University for Social Work. One year is required to make up courses and then I would take the last two years of an Hons. BA in Social Work. This would allow me to work with young transgendered, something that my experience I would like to believe prepares me for. We shall see. It is also a way of putting in a meaningful year as I am not yet ready for fulltime office work (if I could even get it!) Smudge my cat is now officially an outdoor cat. I started by watching her and running and catching her when I thought she might run off. Now, she comes and goes through a small openning by the door. She brought a chipmunk into the house as a prize but she hasn't yet mastered dispatching such prizes, so on putting it down for me to admire, the chipmunk shot for freedom (or at least safety) in the bookcase. She was discovered motionless behind a book but instantly on discovery bolted under a chesterfield (sofa? divan?) and was lost. It would seem that both Smudge and I have things to learn in our new worlds.
