|
|
|
Notifications
|
|
|
|
I'm a rationalist believing only in what I can see. That's why I don't pay my electric bill (Is there really something there?). Actually, I 'm not quite that bad. It's not that I want to be this way, I just am. For me, Karma is mostly a soft chewy candy sold in little plastic wrapped squares.
This perpective, then , makes it doubly hard for me to rationalize my life when things seem to 'happen for a reason'. My return to London and consequent employment at Lee Valley have this aura -- events that have moved me forward in life in significant ways. I simply would not be where I am without these events taking place.
I divide my life now BT and AT that being before and after transition. In that time BT, I resolved never to let anyone know that I was trans, that I was a woman. I worked at this with steely determination always conscious of every move lest it reveal my secret. A great part of my consciousness was given to this effort. Dressing as Ann was a private -- a hidden sin. A knock at the door while dressed would send me into panic. Misplaced panties could have been emotional death. There would be a time when I broke with my past, disappeared into a new life, leaving behind -- if they even remembered me -- people wondering what ever became of me but nevering knowing who I really was.
Lee Valley was my 'outing', the place where circumstances required that I go fulltime. It was the place that accepted and supported me. Being a clerk has thrown me into contact with dozens of people every day. I am no-longer shy, I no longer try to feign femininity -- take me as I am. I feel accepted. And in this parade of people have come acquaintances from every time period of my life.
At first, I said nothing, simply watched these people from my past, realizing that I was unrecognized. I felt strangely powerful that a shared past existed of which they were unaware. I noted how they had changed, whether they looked happy or sad, affluent or not. I came to wonder at the places that they had been and their experiences. And I started to want them to know of my travels, I wanted to show them what I had become.
G was the first. He was a classmate from highschool. I approached him at the counter and realizing that he didn't recognize me at all offered,
"I'm about to give you the biggest surprise of your day."
"How do you propose to do that?" he replied suspiciously.
"Does the name Michael Steel mean anything?"
His face lit up in complete surprise. We would come to have dinner and meet with another acquaintance from highschool, to talk, and for me to realize that they hadn't changed at all. Oddly, being together I realized that I was somehow separate from them in a way different from highschool. I had a moment of feeling very female.
I'm not sure what I felt after this meeting but it was good. I learned something. I felt better about myself. I had reclaimed my past. I had claimed me.
Recently, another person came into Lee Valley, my best friend from the early years of Public School. I recognized him just by the way he moved. I introduced myself and we talked ending a separation of nearly 40 years. How strange this all is.
I've wondered at the value of Lee Valley in my life, in my recovery and in my transition. It seems to play such an important role. It was the perfect event to happen.
Maybe there is such a thing as Karma.
