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Nikki Hollm 's Entries

135 blogs
  • 15 May 2008
    The problem I have been having these last six months is which ones to use when I am trying to be male. I wrote about that in a previous blog. Anyway, the problem has gotten worse (?) since now without any make up/boobs etc I still get odd looks when I step into the gents, so I try to use the disabled ones instead.The 'problem' (it's a nice problem to have I admit) is that twice this week I have been denied entry to the toilets and directed to the ladies instead, (german toilets often have attendants), which is a good thing but can be a little awkward, not least of all for my wife. I guess the reality is, when this is weighed against all the other gender related mistakes people have been making with me, (including trained nurses!), I can only accept that I must make a reasonabley looking woman (in 'drab') and so should use the appropriate loos regardless. Still, it is a nice problem to have........Nikki
    1096 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • The problem I have been having these last six months is which ones to use when I am trying to be male. I wrote about that in a previous blog. Anyway, the problem has gotten worse (?) since now without any make up/boobs etc I still get odd looks when I step into the gents, so I try to use the disabled ones instead.The 'problem' (it's a nice problem to have I admit) is that twice this week I have been denied entry to the toilets and directed to the ladies instead, (german toilets often have attendants), which is a good thing but can be a little awkward, not least of all for my wife. I guess the reality is, when this is weighed against all the other gender related mistakes people have been making with me, (including trained nurses!), I can only accept that I must make a reasonabley looking woman (in 'drab') and so should use the appropriate loos regardless. Still, it is a nice problem to have........Nikki
    May 15, 2008 1096
  • 10 May 2008
    Sugeries that is.I had to fly back to the UK last week for my eye operation, (really tiring on the arms that), and I'm please to say that everything seems to have gone very well. The surgeon was lovely and told me I had pretty eyes and she would do a good job to make them even prettier, aww, how sweet was she? The operation was a little uncomfortable since it is under a local anesthetic which meant I was watching everything they were doing, well, you couldn't help it, it was a little like a scene from an alien abduction with scalpels and needles poking around my eye, a little surreal at times. Oh, and did I mention that the fire alarm went off while I was on the table, and that all the staff except one had to leave the theatre? Lol, it was funny though, tears were running down my cheeks, oh wait, that was for another reason. Injections in the eye aren't exactly fun either! You know it's going to hurt when the nurse takes your hands and tells you it's okay to squeeze, lol. Ah, the price of beauty, or at least I hope I look better after everything this year.Anyway, there was actually not much pain on the table, and none afterwards or today. My eye was very swollen and remains so at the moment and is a lovely mix of red, purple and yellow, so I keep my sunglasses on all the time, which means I at least look stylish.Well, after being away for a week, I have lots of work on TW to do and friends to catch up with so I had better get on with it. Nikki x
    969 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • Sugeries that is.I had to fly back to the UK last week for my eye operation, (really tiring on the arms that), and I'm please to say that everything seems to have gone very well. The surgeon was lovely and told me I had pretty eyes and she would do a good job to make them even prettier, aww, how sweet was she? The operation was a little uncomfortable since it is under a local anesthetic which meant I was watching everything they were doing, well, you couldn't help it, it was a little like a scene from an alien abduction with scalpels and needles poking around my eye, a little surreal at times. Oh, and did I mention that the fire alarm went off while I was on the table, and that all the staff except one had to leave the theatre? Lol, it was funny though, tears were running down my cheeks, oh wait, that was for another reason. Injections in the eye aren't exactly fun either! You know it's going to hurt when the nurse takes your hands and tells you it's okay to squeeze, lol. Ah, the price of beauty, or at least I hope I look better after everything this year.Anyway, there was actually not much pain on the table, and none afterwards or today. My eye was very swollen and remains so at the moment and is a lovely mix of red, purple and yellow, so I keep my sunglasses on all the time, which means I at least look stylish.Well, after being away for a week, I have lots of work on TW to do and friends to catch up with so I had better get on with it. Nikki x
    May 10, 2008 969
  • 29 Apr 2008
    I had to collect my family from the airport on sunday and as it was such a lovely day decided to wear a nice denim mini and expose my legs to the sun for the first time this year. (Well, I hate pale legs). I got there a little early and had a little lunch before going up on the terrase to watch the aircraft come and go. Nothing unusual so far until my wife's plane landed. Now, we have agreed, (yes I know it's a little hypocritical but it's my life), not to let the wee one's see Nikki since they don't need to deal with that yet. Therefore I needed to change, and this is the best part........All I did was slip into the ladies, pull off my skirt, put on some jeans, remove a necklace, bra, eye shadow and mascara and off I went, without any trouble. It's the first time I have been able to 'switch' gender so easily and it's great because it means the real me gets out more plus I must be looking pretty androgenous now which was my aim all along. If there is a downside to all this, it's knowing which loos to use when I am supposed to me 'male', I get odd looks in the male ones but don't want to get screamed at in the ladies! It's so much easier just being a girl......Nikki
    1034 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • I had to collect my family from the airport on sunday and as it was such a lovely day decided to wear a nice denim mini and expose my legs to the sun for the first time this year. (Well, I hate pale legs). I got there a little early and had a little lunch before going up on the terrase to watch the aircraft come and go. Nothing unusual so far until my wife's plane landed. Now, we have agreed, (yes I know it's a little hypocritical but it's my life), not to let the wee one's see Nikki since they don't need to deal with that yet. Therefore I needed to change, and this is the best part........All I did was slip into the ladies, pull off my skirt, put on some jeans, remove a necklace, bra, eye shadow and mascara and off I went, without any trouble. It's the first time I have been able to 'switch' gender so easily and it's great because it means the real me gets out more plus I must be looking pretty androgenous now which was my aim all along. If there is a downside to all this, it's knowing which loos to use when I am supposed to me 'male', I get odd looks in the male ones but don't want to get screamed at in the ladies! It's so much easier just being a girl......Nikki
    Apr 29, 2008 1034
  • 28 Apr 2008
    So wese eth ret urno fa cert ainper sonw ho alw aysg oesout ofh erw ayto ups et andan noy eve ryo ne. Wh ydowe all owherb ack? Si nce sh ehas cho sento atta ck mep erson ally, Iwi ll ed itall he rpos ts tha teith eratt ack som eone ora reno trelev ant tot he thr ead. Asamod I don tthin k tha tis abu seof po wer butwe sha llsee wha thap pens.Nikki
    1329 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • So wese eth ret urno fa cert ainper sonw ho alw aysg oesout ofh erw ayto ups et andan noy eve ryo ne. Wh ydowe all owherb ack? Si nce sh ehas cho sento atta ck mep erson ally, Iwi ll ed itall he rpos ts tha teith eratt ack som eone ora reno trelev ant tot he thr ead. Asamod I don tthin k tha tis abu seof po wer butwe sha llsee wha thap pens.Nikki
    Apr 28, 2008 1329
  • 18 Apr 2008
    Despite being pretty tired tonight, I am extremely happy since I have just got back from the UK where I had a consultation with the surgeon who is going to give me a nice new feminine nose! After explaining the kind of thing I was looking for and showing him some examples, he discussed the realistic possibilities for me. Obviously it isn't as simple as just picking a nose (eww, excuse the pun), since it has to fit with the shape of your face and so on, but we found agreement on what would work and would also be acceptable. The surgery date is towards the end of June and takes place in the UK and is quite a long operation since I am having some very extensive work carried out, (I need it)! I have also asked if they can take photos of each stage of the procedure for me to see afterwards since I'm fascinated by surgery. Although I will look like Rocky's last punchbag for a while, hopefully once the swelling has subsided and things start returning to normal I will look gorgeous! Although I will settle for 'nice'. The actual healing process is very slow however and while the first four week period  is critical, it takes up to twelve months for healing to complete. Nikki
    1021 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • Despite being pretty tired tonight, I am extremely happy since I have just got back from the UK where I had a consultation with the surgeon who is going to give me a nice new feminine nose! After explaining the kind of thing I was looking for and showing him some examples, he discussed the realistic possibilities for me. Obviously it isn't as simple as just picking a nose (eww, excuse the pun), since it has to fit with the shape of your face and so on, but we found agreement on what would work and would also be acceptable. The surgery date is towards the end of June and takes place in the UK and is quite a long operation since I am having some very extensive work carried out, (I need it)! I have also asked if they can take photos of each stage of the procedure for me to see afterwards since I'm fascinated by surgery. Although I will look like Rocky's last punchbag for a while, hopefully once the swelling has subsided and things start returning to normal I will look gorgeous! Although I will settle for 'nice'. The actual healing process is very slow however and while the first four week period  is critical, it takes up to twelve months for healing to complete. Nikki
    Apr 18, 2008 1021
  • 15 Apr 2008
    My lovely wife, being such a wonderful person, knows what pain I am going through in not being able to transition fully, or even live full time. To be fair, she never signed up for this and I love her to bits and I don’t see my life without her. However, the other day she said, (in tears), that if I needed to go through with it then that was okay, she understood that. But…………we couldn’t be together. This wasn’t blackmail, she was just stating her feelings, she just doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with another woman, I can understand that.  She would, however, continue to offer me as much support as necessary for me to continue as I am. You see where I am? The crossroads of my life, and I can only go one way! The bottom line is, I love her to bits and cannot bring myself to transition knowing how much it would hurt her and what it would mean for our relationship. It also pains me deeply knowing I am not able to go any further but in balance, I do have a great life and there are no restrictions on me. She knows this is who I am and I need to express my myself. All she asks in return is that the person she married surfaces every now and then, even though she knows him to be fake, she still needs that. So, we are both doing the best we can knowing that each of us has had to make some serious compromises. I don’t think we have a perfect solution but I’m pretty sure we have found one that we can both live with. Nikki x
    1110 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • My lovely wife, being such a wonderful person, knows what pain I am going through in not being able to transition fully, or even live full time. To be fair, she never signed up for this and I love her to bits and I don’t see my life without her. However, the other day she said, (in tears), that if I needed to go through with it then that was okay, she understood that. But…………we couldn’t be together. This wasn’t blackmail, she was just stating her feelings, she just doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with another woman, I can understand that.  She would, however, continue to offer me as much support as necessary for me to continue as I am. You see where I am? The crossroads of my life, and I can only go one way! The bottom line is, I love her to bits and cannot bring myself to transition knowing how much it would hurt her and what it would mean for our relationship. It also pains me deeply knowing I am not able to go any further but in balance, I do have a great life and there are no restrictions on me. She knows this is who I am and I need to express my myself. All she asks in return is that the person she married surfaces every now and then, even though she knows him to be fake, she still needs that. So, we are both doing the best we can knowing that each of us has had to make some serious compromises. I don’t think we have a perfect solution but I’m pretty sure we have found one that we can both live with. Nikki x
    Apr 15, 2008 1110
  • 08 Apr 2008
    Laser again, yippee but ow! I have a stubborn area on my face which is still undergoing treatment and I am now getting it zapped twice in succession, twice the pain, hopefully twice the gain too! God the second one hurts!! Being a complete sucker for punishment, I immediately had a chest zapping afterwards. On the good hand though, this doesn’t hurt at all, or very little anyway especially when compared to the face. It went very well actually and it looks as though it won’t take many sessions to complete it, and then after that it’ll be the lower arms and then, well, you get the picture.  Is it expensive? A little, yes.  Can I afford it? Not really, which is why my guitar pays for it (in money earned from gigs and lessons). Is it worth it? Duh……what do you think? Nikki
    1083 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • Laser again, yippee but ow! I have a stubborn area on my face which is still undergoing treatment and I am now getting it zapped twice in succession, twice the pain, hopefully twice the gain too! God the second one hurts!! Being a complete sucker for punishment, I immediately had a chest zapping afterwards. On the good hand though, this doesn’t hurt at all, or very little anyway especially when compared to the face. It went very well actually and it looks as though it won’t take many sessions to complete it, and then after that it’ll be the lower arms and then, well, you get the picture.  Is it expensive? A little, yes.  Can I afford it? Not really, which is why my guitar pays for it (in money earned from gigs and lessons). Is it worth it? Duh……what do you think? Nikki
    Apr 08, 2008 1083
  • 04 Apr 2008
    Arrrggghh!!! I received a letter yesterday asking if I could attend an appointment for surgery on my eye on the 26th March, but lacking the ability to time travel I called them to say I wouldn't make it!! Anyway, I now have a date in early May so it wasn't all bad. A little frustrating knowing it could have happened already but there was nothing I could do about it so there's no point in worrying is there? So everything is looking good for the new improved Nikki to step out in the summertime (bruising, swelling, stitches removed and a good hair stylist not withstanding)!Nikki
    1043 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • Arrrggghh!!! I received a letter yesterday asking if I could attend an appointment for surgery on my eye on the 26th March, but lacking the ability to time travel I called them to say I wouldn't make it!! Anyway, I now have a date in early May so it wasn't all bad. A little frustrating knowing it could have happened already but there was nothing I could do about it so there's no point in worrying is there? So everything is looking good for the new improved Nikki to step out in the summertime (bruising, swelling, stitches removed and a good hair stylist not withstanding)!Nikki
    Apr 04, 2008 1043
  • 01 Apr 2008
    I don't get it. Last week when I was busy hiking and camping there was snow everywhere and temperatures of -7. Great, I thought, I can get some skiing in next week. I even checked the ski slopes and all but two of them were operational. Marvellous!Wrong! Fast forward two days and the temperature soared to 21 and all the snow melted with it. It's just not fair. So I have resigned myself to the fact that my skiing this year will be limited to indoor centres. Bah humbug!Nikki
    1102 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • I don't get it. Last week when I was busy hiking and camping there was snow everywhere and temperatures of -7. Great, I thought, I can get some skiing in next week. I even checked the ski slopes and all but two of them were operational. Marvellous!Wrong! Fast forward two days and the temperature soared to 21 and all the snow melted with it. It's just not fair. So I have resigned myself to the fact that my skiing this year will be limited to indoor centres. Bah humbug!Nikki
    Apr 01, 2008 1102
  • 29 Mar 2008
    That's the only way I can describe Keith Adams. We met up yesterday while he was over in Germany so partly out of curiosity and his forum posts I wanted to try to meet him. I'm not going to go into any detail and bore you all with the day we had together, suffice to say that it was wonderful. We went to Münster, walked and talked, had lunch and then went to a hotel restaurant in Willingen for dinner in the evening. Keith was a perfect gentleman throughout the day and is exactly as you expect him to be based on his online persona. He is warm, friendly, intelligent, has great manners and patience too. (He needs the latter with my constant trips to the ladies to touch up my make up). I can honestly say that he is an asset to this site and is a credit to his gender, if only they were all like that! I felt very comfortable around him which says a lot for me, while I always give a person the benefit of the doubt, it usually takes a while before I am that at ease with them. All too soon the day was over and we went our seperate ways. I'm looking forward to meeting him again sometime soon. So, give the guys a chance girls, there are some nice ones out there, they're not all bad. Nikki x
    1030 Posted by Nikki Hollm
  • That's the only way I can describe Keith Adams. We met up yesterday while he was over in Germany so partly out of curiosity and his forum posts I wanted to try to meet him. I'm not going to go into any detail and bore you all with the day we had together, suffice to say that it was wonderful. We went to Münster, walked and talked, had lunch and then went to a hotel restaurant in Willingen for dinner in the evening. Keith was a perfect gentleman throughout the day and is exactly as you expect him to be based on his online persona. He is warm, friendly, intelligent, has great manners and patience too. (He needs the latter with my constant trips to the ladies to touch up my make up). I can honestly say that he is an asset to this site and is a credit to his gender, if only they were all like that! I felt very comfortable around him which says a lot for me, while I always give a person the benefit of the doubt, it usually takes a while before I am that at ease with them. All too soon the day was over and we went our seperate ways. I'm looking forward to meeting him again sometime soon. So, give the guys a chance girls, there are some nice ones out there, they're not all bad. Nikki x
    Mar 29, 2008 1030