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Meredith Newton 's Entries

388 blogs
  • 30 Mar 2006
    I don't know why I'm posting this other to say I wish I could sever ties with practically everyone I know.  Not my TW sisters, of course! I'm just in one of the worst moods I've been in for a long time.  I was someplace today where I felt comfortable being TS, although I was in drab, yet when I left I wanted nothing to do with anybody. Besides being sick and tired of being everyone's punching bag since my wife kicked me out, I've come to the point where I want nothing to do with anyone outside of the TG community.  I know that's not a healthy attitude.  After all, should I be able to transition I will have to blend in.  Yet, I think what's happening is I'm giving back to everyone all the crap they've given to me. If I should be lucky enough to get this apartment, or any apartment soon, I am planning on starting to live full time.  If they don't like it, I can live without them.
    597 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • I don't know why I'm posting this other to say I wish I could sever ties with practically everyone I know.  Not my TW sisters, of course! I'm just in one of the worst moods I've been in for a long time.  I was someplace today where I felt comfortable being TS, although I was in drab, yet when I left I wanted nothing to do with anybody. Besides being sick and tired of being everyone's punching bag since my wife kicked me out, I've come to the point where I want nothing to do with anyone outside of the TG community.  I know that's not a healthy attitude.  After all, should I be able to transition I will have to blend in.  Yet, I think what's happening is I'm giving back to everyone all the crap they've given to me. If I should be lucky enough to get this apartment, or any apartment soon, I am planning on starting to live full time.  If they don't like it, I can live without them.
    Mar 30, 2006 597
  • 27 Mar 2006
    Last Thursday and Friday night the Disney Channel showed High School Musical again.  And I watched it both nights!  That makes six times now, and I expect the soundtrack in the mail any time.  It's actually the number one album in America! I have been trying to get along with my wife, but to no avail, especially with more fighting on Friday night.  I threatened her with my legal rights, essentially telling her that I intend on protecting myself at all costs.  She almost didn't let me see my daughter on Saturday.  The next morning, however, cooler heads prevailed and I did spend some time with her.  I also, once again, bought my wife a lunch.  My kid is doing fine in school, just not as well as she should be.  With tears in her eyes she again told me that it's because of how much she misses me.  My not being around is having a huge impact on her. I have been looking at apartments. I went to this one service on Friday not knowing they do so much!  They drove me around to all these places.  Today I might just go back to the office and get the ball rolling with this one studio apartment.  It's very close to Lake Michigan, which my daughter loves because then I could take her to the beach.  I looked at this one place on Saturday morning (before heading out to see my kid).  The location is great.  The rooms aren't, and I don't care how little the rent is! I have to get out of my folks' house.  My dad gets more intolerable every day.  Plus, I need to be Meredith as close to 24/7 as I can.  But the one thing about getting this apartment is how it's putting that sense of finality on my marriage situation.  Yes, I know it's over, and want it over.  Still, it's somewhat strange to now actually be at that point where I am completely on my own and not staying with friends or family.  It's finally just me. My eldest surving sister came out from Utah to visit.  I haven't seen her in about 2 years.  She knows all about my being transsexual and wants to give me a makeover while she's here.  I also showed her, and one of my younger sisters, my piccies.  They couldn't believe how I looked! Anyhow, girls, I've got some stressful times coming up. It's nothing I can't handle.  Except for the finances.
    490 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • Last Thursday and Friday night the Disney Channel showed High School Musical again.  And I watched it both nights!  That makes six times now, and I expect the soundtrack in the mail any time.  It's actually the number one album in America! I have been trying to get along with my wife, but to no avail, especially with more fighting on Friday night.  I threatened her with my legal rights, essentially telling her that I intend on protecting myself at all costs.  She almost didn't let me see my daughter on Saturday.  The next morning, however, cooler heads prevailed and I did spend some time with her.  I also, once again, bought my wife a lunch.  My kid is doing fine in school, just not as well as she should be.  With tears in her eyes she again told me that it's because of how much she misses me.  My not being around is having a huge impact on her. I have been looking at apartments. I went to this one service on Friday not knowing they do so much!  They drove me around to all these places.  Today I might just go back to the office and get the ball rolling with this one studio apartment.  It's very close to Lake Michigan, which my daughter loves because then I could take her to the beach.  I looked at this one place on Saturday morning (before heading out to see my kid).  The location is great.  The rooms aren't, and I don't care how little the rent is! I have to get out of my folks' house.  My dad gets more intolerable every day.  Plus, I need to be Meredith as close to 24/7 as I can.  But the one thing about getting this apartment is how it's putting that sense of finality on my marriage situation.  Yes, I know it's over, and want it over.  Still, it's somewhat strange to now actually be at that point where I am completely on my own and not staying with friends or family.  It's finally just me. My eldest surving sister came out from Utah to visit.  I haven't seen her in about 2 years.  She knows all about my being transsexual and wants to give me a makeover while she's here.  I also showed her, and one of my younger sisters, my piccies.  They couldn't believe how I looked! Anyhow, girls, I've got some stressful times coming up. It's nothing I can't handle.  Except for the finances.
    Mar 27, 2006 490
  • 22 Mar 2006
    Things have taken another turn for the worse at my folks house.  Not about my being transsexual, though.  My dad is back to his 24/7 crankiness.  It's become so bad that my daughter doesn't want to come over to visit me there.  I think he's in the beginning stages of dementia, but my family, as usual, is denying it. But not a day goes by now that he isn't bitching about my being there (my 17 year old nephew, too, although they took him in when my eldest sister died). I stay out of the house as much as possible. I'm really stepping up my efforts to get the hell out of there.  I'm actually looking into some rooms in the not-so-glamorous neighborhoods just to get the hell out.  Besides, I miss my privacy. I miss my life. There's been this incredible surge of new hatred from the soon-to-be-ex.  I don't know why, although I suspect it might have to do with my getting my ears pierced.  She claims it's none of her business, yet she still likes to give me orders (which I never follow!).  She sure as hell didn't mind the money, or Chinese food, I gave her last Saturday. What I've got to do now is see what I can afford in the way of an apartment.  I really don't want a roommate. Also, these classes end in May, so if I have to consider a possible loss of income.  I'm hoping to have other courses at that time, or some other gig, like if the editing job was to finally happen. Oh well.  Back to the therapist on Friday.  I'm going to find out what we're doing next in tems of my transitioning.
    529 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • Things have taken another turn for the worse at my folks house.  Not about my being transsexual, though.  My dad is back to his 24/7 crankiness.  It's become so bad that my daughter doesn't want to come over to visit me there.  I think he's in the beginning stages of dementia, but my family, as usual, is denying it. But not a day goes by now that he isn't bitching about my being there (my 17 year old nephew, too, although they took him in when my eldest sister died). I stay out of the house as much as possible. I'm really stepping up my efforts to get the hell out of there.  I'm actually looking into some rooms in the not-so-glamorous neighborhoods just to get the hell out.  Besides, I miss my privacy. I miss my life. There's been this incredible surge of new hatred from the soon-to-be-ex.  I don't know why, although I suspect it might have to do with my getting my ears pierced.  She claims it's none of her business, yet she still likes to give me orders (which I never follow!).  She sure as hell didn't mind the money, or Chinese food, I gave her last Saturday. What I've got to do now is see what I can afford in the way of an apartment.  I really don't want a roommate. Also, these classes end in May, so if I have to consider a possible loss of income.  I'm hoping to have other courses at that time, or some other gig, like if the editing job was to finally happen. Oh well.  Back to the therapist on Friday.  I'm going to find out what we're doing next in tems of my transitioning.
    Mar 22, 2006 529
  • 20 Mar 2006
    I didn't notice until this morning that I am now #5 on the blog list.  Wow.  I can't possibly be that interesting! I finally got a paycheck on Friday!  I feel like a millionaire. I did get to see my daughter on Saturday.  We went to see The Shaggy Dog (it was okay).  I took her out for Chinese food afterwards, and we also placed a take-out order for my wife.  Then I went to the bank and took out a nice amount of dosh for her.  You'd think that after all that she'd be a little nicer.  No way.  She actually got mad at me because I indicated I am going to use the law to my own advantage concerning knowing what is going on with my kid's education.  Apparently my wife thinks I'm not entitled to know firsthand.  Uh huh. Just wait until I haul her into court. I really could ruin her career with some of the things I have to say, especially if her superiors were to find out some of these things about her.  But I won't do it.  I have no desire to hurt her.  Despite some of my anger, she is a good person.  Even if she did make some bad mistakes (but no infidelity!). What I have the desire for is to get this damn divorce over with!  We haven't even filed yet (too expensive).  I just want my joint custody and to get on with my life.  I had a good long talk with myself the other day and now I feel ready to re-enter the dating scene.  I'm ready to find someone new.
    548 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • I didn't notice until this morning that I am now #5 on the blog list.  Wow.  I can't possibly be that interesting! I finally got a paycheck on Friday!  I feel like a millionaire. I did get to see my daughter on Saturday.  We went to see The Shaggy Dog (it was okay).  I took her out for Chinese food afterwards, and we also placed a take-out order for my wife.  Then I went to the bank and took out a nice amount of dosh for her.  You'd think that after all that she'd be a little nicer.  No way.  She actually got mad at me because I indicated I am going to use the law to my own advantage concerning knowing what is going on with my kid's education.  Apparently my wife thinks I'm not entitled to know firsthand.  Uh huh. Just wait until I haul her into court. I really could ruin her career with some of the things I have to say, especially if her superiors were to find out some of these things about her.  But I won't do it.  I have no desire to hurt her.  Despite some of my anger, she is a good person.  Even if she did make some bad mistakes (but no infidelity!). What I have the desire for is to get this damn divorce over with!  We haven't even filed yet (too expensive).  I just want my joint custody and to get on with my life.  I had a good long talk with myself the other day and now I feel ready to re-enter the dating scene.  I'm ready to find someone new.
    Mar 20, 2006 548
  • 15 Mar 2006
    I couldn't think of a blog title.  Oh well.  Today I'm getting away from talking about this path of self-destruction I'm on and go into funny things that have been happening.  Here's a small sampling of my life as of late: Almost assaulted on the Red Line.  You know that already Came out to my family But, wait!  There's more!  Here's some of the "fun" stuff: One of my sisters was just released from prison for the 10 billionth time.  While she was in she started talking about me to her fellow inmates, especially since I'm separated and headed towards divorce.  The next thing I knew I was getting a flood of letters from female prisoners.  Oh, lucky me. Since coming out more men seem to be paying more attention to me.  Yuck.  I wrote about this in the Forums already. On the bus ride back yesterday a fight almost broke out between two women.  The bus was jam packed, and these two were arguing that one was "squishing" the other.  Lots of bad language, too (oh my!).  The driver eventually pulled over and threatened to call the cops.  They stopped, but begrudgingly. THEN, not more than 30 minutes later, on the Red Line, more fun!  The cutest lesbian couple got on the train.  Now, mind you, I'm sitting doing something really masculine - reading Truman Capote.  These two decided to treat me to a show by making out in front of me.  What I enjoyed so much was watching the love between them.  They truly cared for one another, and all I did was wish I had someone like that in my life (what? A cute lesbian?).  The love they felt made me happy.  And, NO, I didn't get off on the makeout session.  Some things are best when discreet.
    502 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • I couldn't think of a blog title.  Oh well.  Today I'm getting away from talking about this path of self-destruction I'm on and go into funny things that have been happening.  Here's a small sampling of my life as of late: Almost assaulted on the Red Line.  You know that already Came out to my family But, wait!  There's more!  Here's some of the "fun" stuff: One of my sisters was just released from prison for the 10 billionth time.  While she was in she started talking about me to her fellow inmates, especially since I'm separated and headed towards divorce.  The next thing I knew I was getting a flood of letters from female prisoners.  Oh, lucky me. Since coming out more men seem to be paying more attention to me.  Yuck.  I wrote about this in the Forums already. On the bus ride back yesterday a fight almost broke out between two women.  The bus was jam packed, and these two were arguing that one was "squishing" the other.  Lots of bad language, too (oh my!).  The driver eventually pulled over and threatened to call the cops.  They stopped, but begrudgingly. THEN, not more than 30 minutes later, on the Red Line, more fun!  The cutest lesbian couple got on the train.  Now, mind you, I'm sitting doing something really masculine - reading Truman Capote.  These two decided to treat me to a show by making out in front of me.  What I enjoyed so much was watching the love between them.  They truly cared for one another, and all I did was wish I had someone like that in my life (what? A cute lesbian?).  The love they felt made me happy.  And, NO, I didn't get off on the makeout session.  Some things are best when discreet.
    Mar 15, 2006 502
  • 13 Mar 2006
    As I wrote in the Forums, I am now fully out to my family.  I had a few drinks yesterday to help myself feel better.  Stupid reason.  My folks were not happy.  I wasn't stewed, but it was obvious. Then, at dinner, through a torrent of tears, I told my dad that I am transsexual, my name is Meredith, and that I plan on transitioning.  He was a little upset that I didn't come to him sooner with this.  Afterwards he was in a great mood, as if he suddenly understood so much.  He accepted me.  He won't throw me out. I had another great time with my daughter.  I picked her up Friday afternoon and we had fun.  I watched High School Musical for the fourth time.  It was a special airing as the cast showed how to do the dances.  Being a Psycho Ninja I didn't think it was wise to try.  My kid did a great job. My wife was away on a business trip this week.  If there was any time for me to worry if she was seeing anyone was this week.  She didn't, of course, nor did I care.  I did pick her up from the airport.  It made sense to bring her and my kid home at the same time, rather than have her take a cab.  For a moment there it felt like old times.  But, yet, she was quite distant.  In all fairness, she had had a very long and difficult time getting back, so she was tired.  I did it because I wanted to.  Not because I was thinking it would get me anywhere, but to show her I could still be relied upon. Today I woke up feeling lousy.  Then, the unthinkable happened.  While the train was pulling in to the station I blacked out.  The only thing I knew was I was lying on the ground and all these people were trying to help me up.  I got on the train, only to go into the city and turn right around and come back.  I think I not only got my nephew's bug, but this stress took its toll on me. So, here I go again..............
    560 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • As I wrote in the Forums, I am now fully out to my family.  I had a few drinks yesterday to help myself feel better.  Stupid reason.  My folks were not happy.  I wasn't stewed, but it was obvious. Then, at dinner, through a torrent of tears, I told my dad that I am transsexual, my name is Meredith, and that I plan on transitioning.  He was a little upset that I didn't come to him sooner with this.  Afterwards he was in a great mood, as if he suddenly understood so much.  He accepted me.  He won't throw me out. I had another great time with my daughter.  I picked her up Friday afternoon and we had fun.  I watched High School Musical for the fourth time.  It was a special airing as the cast showed how to do the dances.  Being a Psycho Ninja I didn't think it was wise to try.  My kid did a great job. My wife was away on a business trip this week.  If there was any time for me to worry if she was seeing anyone was this week.  She didn't, of course, nor did I care.  I did pick her up from the airport.  It made sense to bring her and my kid home at the same time, rather than have her take a cab.  For a moment there it felt like old times.  But, yet, she was quite distant.  In all fairness, she had had a very long and difficult time getting back, so she was tired.  I did it because I wanted to.  Not because I was thinking it would get me anywhere, but to show her I could still be relied upon. Today I woke up feeling lousy.  Then, the unthinkable happened.  While the train was pulling in to the station I blacked out.  The only thing I knew was I was lying on the ground and all these people were trying to help me up.  I got on the train, only to go into the city and turn right around and come back.  I think I not only got my nephew's bug, but this stress took its toll on me. So, here I go again..............
    Mar 13, 2006 560
  • 06 Mar 2006
    I had a bit of an emotional roller coaster of a weekend. My therapist appointment went great, as usual.  I am going to stop using the men's room to change as I was almost caught on Friday.  My shrink is letting me use one of the other offices to change in from now on. Then I went all the way to the far south side to my school, foolishly thinking I would have a paycheck.  No go.  They're telling me now it could take 6 full weeks to get me into the system.  6 weeks?  Why so long?  What made it worse was that my daughter was going to stay with me and I would have no money to treat her to anything. I felt so worthless.  I had to get money from me mum. I picked her up Friday evening and we wound up going to McDonald's (see my latest forum posting about staying away from kiddie playlands!).  The next day I treated her to brekkie, and then we did a lot of running around. We had a lot of fun playing with puppies in a pet store.  She bled me dry!  I bought her so much stuff! But at one point, in a toy store, she had her face in her hands and was crying.  She thought that if I bought her something there we wouldn't have money for the movie.  With only $60 to my name, I still bought her a $20 doll set.  Then, in the car, I could tell she still wasn't right.  In a teary confession she told me how much she misses me.  I damn near lost it right in front of her.  To make matters more interesting, we went and saw "Eight Below," which has plenty of tearjerking moments.  It was so difficult to take her back home.  My wife was polite to me, but later mentioned she doesn't want me to hug her in any way when I leave. Yesterday a whole bunch of family members came over, especially to hook up a new computer for my folks.  As usual, my brother ignored me. So here it is, Monday morning, overcast, drizzly, and I'm tired as hell.  I need to get my head together for class.
    523 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • I had a bit of an emotional roller coaster of a weekend. My therapist appointment went great, as usual.  I am going to stop using the men's room to change as I was almost caught on Friday.  My shrink is letting me use one of the other offices to change in from now on. Then I went all the way to the far south side to my school, foolishly thinking I would have a paycheck.  No go.  They're telling me now it could take 6 full weeks to get me into the system.  6 weeks?  Why so long?  What made it worse was that my daughter was going to stay with me and I would have no money to treat her to anything. I felt so worthless.  I had to get money from me mum. I picked her up Friday evening and we wound up going to McDonald's (see my latest forum posting about staying away from kiddie playlands!).  The next day I treated her to brekkie, and then we did a lot of running around. We had a lot of fun playing with puppies in a pet store.  She bled me dry!  I bought her so much stuff! But at one point, in a toy store, she had her face in her hands and was crying.  She thought that if I bought her something there we wouldn't have money for the movie.  With only $60 to my name, I still bought her a $20 doll set.  Then, in the car, I could tell she still wasn't right.  In a teary confession she told me how much she misses me.  I damn near lost it right in front of her.  To make matters more interesting, we went and saw "Eight Below," which has plenty of tearjerking moments.  It was so difficult to take her back home.  My wife was polite to me, but later mentioned she doesn't want me to hug her in any way when I leave. Yesterday a whole bunch of family members came over, especially to hook up a new computer for my folks.  As usual, my brother ignored me. So here it is, Monday morning, overcast, drizzly, and I'm tired as hell.  I need to get my head together for class.
    Mar 06, 2006 523
  • 01 Mar 2006
    Tonight I'm going to see the movie "Transamerica" with me mum.  I'll post a full review tomorrow.  But the big question is how shall I dress?  I can't very well have my dad see me.  I'll probably just put some makeup on in the car. Despite the little hints my wife threw out to me about the possibility of reconciling, I'm not changing.  I am moving forward.  What makes me so angry in the evening is having to be at my folks' house.  I feel I'm reminded every minute that it has now been six months since I was thrown out.  Six months of living hell.  Yet, this past month or so has actually been good.  There might very well be some opportunities.  But I didn't deserve half of this crap.  I still don't call that one friend of mine at whose house I used to stay.  I don't speak to him unless he calls me first.  I'm still miffed that they opened my mail that came to their house after I left.  They claim it was an accident that they opened, and looked at, those last three checks from the movie theatre.  My name - drab or femme - is so damn different from theirs, how could they not know?  I may be a transsexual but I'm not that stupid, despite anything my wife may say! What I would give right now for my own place and a laptop computer.  When I'm finally alone Meredith will be out all the time. That doesn't mean I'll always be in a skirt.  When it's time to relax in the evening I'll be like anyone else - maybe sweatpants, jeans, whatever.  But what I also want to go along with that is a computer.  I want to be chained to a word processor.  I need to finish some history pieces, wrap up production work on my first book (due out this year!), and work on the Jazz Age book.  I've also had a resurgence of my fiction inspiration.  I dug up this book of short stories I wrote and will finally start proofreading them, and adding a few new ones that I wrote.  That, and those two scripts need finishing.  That's what I would be doing every night and all weekend if I only had the tools. If only.........what two incredible little words. I did have one little setback.  Some time last year I mentioned that these people literally tracked me down and begged me to write for their historical encyclopedia.  After I agreed they asked me for additional articles.  I wrote six little masterpieces.  Yesterday they told me they weren't going to use #6.  I should know that these things happen in publishing.  Still, my little ego wasn't in the mood for it.  I may have insecurity problems, and hate myself a lot, but when it comes to my writing I'm very arrogant.
    503 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • Tonight I'm going to see the movie "Transamerica" with me mum.  I'll post a full review tomorrow.  But the big question is how shall I dress?  I can't very well have my dad see me.  I'll probably just put some makeup on in the car. Despite the little hints my wife threw out to me about the possibility of reconciling, I'm not changing.  I am moving forward.  What makes me so angry in the evening is having to be at my folks' house.  I feel I'm reminded every minute that it has now been six months since I was thrown out.  Six months of living hell.  Yet, this past month or so has actually been good.  There might very well be some opportunities.  But I didn't deserve half of this crap.  I still don't call that one friend of mine at whose house I used to stay.  I don't speak to him unless he calls me first.  I'm still miffed that they opened my mail that came to their house after I left.  They claim it was an accident that they opened, and looked at, those last three checks from the movie theatre.  My name - drab or femme - is so damn different from theirs, how could they not know?  I may be a transsexual but I'm not that stupid, despite anything my wife may say! What I would give right now for my own place and a laptop computer.  When I'm finally alone Meredith will be out all the time. That doesn't mean I'll always be in a skirt.  When it's time to relax in the evening I'll be like anyone else - maybe sweatpants, jeans, whatever.  But what I also want to go along with that is a computer.  I want to be chained to a word processor.  I need to finish some history pieces, wrap up production work on my first book (due out this year!), and work on the Jazz Age book.  I've also had a resurgence of my fiction inspiration.  I dug up this book of short stories I wrote and will finally start proofreading them, and adding a few new ones that I wrote.  That, and those two scripts need finishing.  That's what I would be doing every night and all weekend if I only had the tools. If only.........what two incredible little words. I did have one little setback.  Some time last year I mentioned that these people literally tracked me down and begged me to write for their historical encyclopedia.  After I agreed they asked me for additional articles.  I wrote six little masterpieces.  Yesterday they told me they weren't going to use #6.  I should know that these things happen in publishing.  Still, my little ego wasn't in the mood for it.  I may have insecurity problems, and hate myself a lot, but when it comes to my writing I'm very arrogant.
    Mar 01, 2006 503
  • 27 Feb 2006
    That cold I had really wasn't all that bad.  Not all that good, either.  I'm just glad it's on its way out. My daughter is incredible.  First, she is in second grade and now reads at a sixth grade level!  She also had to have some teeth pulled Friday evening.  I was told that she was a brave little girl.  She was certainly in good spirits when I saw her Saturday.  We watched Catch That Kid, then some other shows before she started to nod off for a nap.  Me and my wife got along fantastic.  In fact, some of the things she bitched about the other day - like my having the audacity to ask for coffee - were totally gone. As I put in the forums, though, my wife somewhat threw things out of whack (not like they were perfect anyway).  While she did not say it would happen, she somewhat opened the door to a possible reconciliation. I was a basketcase the rest of Saturday.  I don't want to stop traveling on this path.  Yet, the idea of going back home is wonderful.  I told my shrink about it and she made it clear that I must choose the path that is best for me, otherwise I will be miserable.  I would go back home for the one purpose of being with my daughter every day.  But go back to being married?  I'm not so sure because I have no intentions of giving up who I am.  I have come too far.  Plus, there would be so many restrictions on me. I am going to keep living my life in this current fashion.  My first order of business is to get my own place, a car, and really get my career moving forward.  Who knows - I just might meet that one person who really turns me on.  After all, I was told to go ahead and date.  I would be better off finding someone like me, or who at least understands.  
    523 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • That cold I had really wasn't all that bad.  Not all that good, either.  I'm just glad it's on its way out. My daughter is incredible.  First, she is in second grade and now reads at a sixth grade level!  She also had to have some teeth pulled Friday evening.  I was told that she was a brave little girl.  She was certainly in good spirits when I saw her Saturday.  We watched Catch That Kid, then some other shows before she started to nod off for a nap.  Me and my wife got along fantastic.  In fact, some of the things she bitched about the other day - like my having the audacity to ask for coffee - were totally gone. As I put in the forums, though, my wife somewhat threw things out of whack (not like they were perfect anyway).  While she did not say it would happen, she somewhat opened the door to a possible reconciliation. I was a basketcase the rest of Saturday.  I don't want to stop traveling on this path.  Yet, the idea of going back home is wonderful.  I told my shrink about it and she made it clear that I must choose the path that is best for me, otherwise I will be miserable.  I would go back home for the one purpose of being with my daughter every day.  But go back to being married?  I'm not so sure because I have no intentions of giving up who I am.  I have come too far.  Plus, there would be so many restrictions on me. I am going to keep living my life in this current fashion.  My first order of business is to get my own place, a car, and really get my career moving forward.  Who knows - I just might meet that one person who really turns me on.  After all, I was told to go ahead and date.  I would be better off finding someone like me, or who at least understands.  
    Feb 27, 2006 523
  • 21 Feb 2006
    I didn't get to see my daughter last Saturday.  She wasn't feeling good.  So, in literally sub-zero temperatures I walked the 1 1/2 miles to the library to get online.  I was glad to do it.  As I wrote in the Forums, I truly thought for a few moments yesterday that my life was in serious danger.  I must admit I'm a bit shy about taking the train back to school today. I have all the authors lined up to contribute to my second book.  It'll be called, once again, The Jazz Age, and I'm the editor and chief contributor.  Plus, with that editing gig to start in another month, I might finally be able to get out on my own. I think that's what has me so depressed these days.  While I'm keeping busy, and having a good time at this new school, it's this loss of freedom that has me down.  I've long accepted that my marriage is over.  Maybe if I had my own place to go to at the end of the day I'd feel better instead of heading back to my folks' house. On a funny note, and this was also in the Forums, a high school boy saw me fully dressed the other day.  My folks and nephew went out for the afternoon.  I jumped into my clothes, wig, fake boobs, makeup, etc., and was cooking a delicious chicken and vegetable dinner (recipe upon request). I'm sitting there in the kitchen, the Daytona 500 is on, the oldies station is playing, having a glass of wine, and suddenly I see this kid looking in the kitchen window at me.  He was there to see my nephew.  I opened the door for him, too.  Oh, dear......I can't stop laughing over it.
    463 Posted by Meredith Newton
  • I didn't get to see my daughter last Saturday.  She wasn't feeling good.  So, in literally sub-zero temperatures I walked the 1 1/2 miles to the library to get online.  I was glad to do it.  As I wrote in the Forums, I truly thought for a few moments yesterday that my life was in serious danger.  I must admit I'm a bit shy about taking the train back to school today. I have all the authors lined up to contribute to my second book.  It'll be called, once again, The Jazz Age, and I'm the editor and chief contributor.  Plus, with that editing gig to start in another month, I might finally be able to get out on my own. I think that's what has me so depressed these days.  While I'm keeping busy, and having a good time at this new school, it's this loss of freedom that has me down.  I've long accepted that my marriage is over.  Maybe if I had my own place to go to at the end of the day I'd feel better instead of heading back to my folks' house. On a funny note, and this was also in the Forums, a high school boy saw me fully dressed the other day.  My folks and nephew went out for the afternoon.  I jumped into my clothes, wig, fake boobs, makeup, etc., and was cooking a delicious chicken and vegetable dinner (recipe upon request). I'm sitting there in the kitchen, the Daytona 500 is on, the oldies station is playing, having a glass of wine, and suddenly I see this kid looking in the kitchen window at me.  He was there to see my nephew.  I opened the door for him, too.  Oh, dear......I can't stop laughing over it.
    Feb 21, 2006 463