Off to School with a Handbag on my Shoulder

• Posted by Tara Wallace April 12, 2012 #  1,663 views
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  2012.04.11

   

  First of all, I wish I could have had the energy to scribble up a blog sooner rather than making you all wait! It was such a fantastic experience and I really wanted to share it with you, my sisters, right away. And I guess without further Ado:

   

  Lately, I've taken some big steps forward. About a couple weeks ago, I went to a costume party that ended up being my first outting en femme. Last week, I set foot inside the Pride Center at school (after circling the Student Union about 3 times). Over the weekend, I decided to come to school en femme. I proceeded from there to plan out how I would do it. There were some flaws... I could have been caught the way I planned things...

   

  I rolled out of bed about 11:00am to start getting ready. I went through my de-furring, shaving every little bothersome hair. I went at my nostrils with a nose hair shavery thing. I shaved, making sure to get especially close around my chin and throat. Then, as my aftershave balm took effect: I wrapped myself in my cincher (to get that lovely hourglass... at least as best I could), I pulled on my hip/butt piece, and put my bra on. Then it was time for the outfit. I wore my new purple/blue blouse, some khaki colored capris and flats. Though, to keep myself from being spotted as I went out the door, I put an ugly gray sweater on and kept my forms in a bag for now. The only other thing I left the house with was a layer of foundation.

   

  I was nervous, creeping out of my room and down the stairs. Quickly, I grabbed my keys and made for the door. Thoughts raced through my mind, what if my sister came rolling up to the house and saw me in capris and with foundation on? Or if my brother happened down the stairs at the self same moment I had?

   

  I made it to the car, undetected. It seemed not a soul had come out to see the day. I pulled out and headed to school. I left my stomach unfilled, too afraid to go through a drivethrough with the foundation on my face.

   

  Eventually, I pulled into a parking place at school. Carefully, and quickly, I slipped my forms into my bra under the sweater. Then I tugged the sweater off and ducked down to put on my wig cap and my redhead wig. Once I was secure, I sat up, unafraid to be detected in the car as I prepared myself to be seen in daylight, in public. I shifted over to the passenger seat to take advantage of the little visor mirror. I combed through my wig with my fingers until I was at last satisfied and began on my makeup. I spent maybe 30 minutes making sure the makeup was as perfect as I could get it.

   

  Then the moment of truth came. I took a deep breath and opened the door. I slid out and spun around to face into the car while I gathered and rearranged things. After playing with my hair for a few more minutes I pushed myself onward. I put my purse on my shoulder and heaved out the bag with my manclothes in it (I had work later and would have to change at the end of the day). I shoved the door closed and left the safety of the car, of being hid behind other cars in the parkinglot. I held onto my shouldered purse with my right hand while I carried the manbag to the side as if bringing it to school for a dumb brother or boyfriend who'd forgotten something. And with that, I walked out toward the school.

   

  As I walked toward the Student Union, I peeked at people from under my hair. I noticed a few guys' eyes followed me. It made me raise my chin a little higher and sweep some of my hair back so more of my face could be seen. To keep myself stong, I kept saying boots, boots, boots. I know it sounds odd, but it's become my mantra of courage (when I first got my girlboots, I felt like I could take on the world and kick anyone's ass who messed with me). So, with my mantra driving me on and a couple of admiring stares I began to strut a little. By the time I made it into the SU and to the Pride Center, I was completely calm.

   

  I was met with surprised faces. Surprised at the new face, I'm sure. I said, "Hi, I'm Tara." They welcomed me with open arms and pulled me to the couch to play games with them. I played several games and talked with people. Even though they didn't share my struggle, they wanted to know about it and wanted to know about me. Things began to wind down as the group got ready to go upstairs for the self-defense course. I'd not intended to go, but they were closing up the Center since everyone was going upstairs. It made me a little sad and afraid, because it was go or be on my own in the SU. But before they went upstairs, I met another transwoman. We got to talking and I decided to go up and join them for the self-defense course.

   

  It was fun, learning some basic self-defense and getting to beat up on some poor guy in a padded suit (though I guess it wasn't too poor, since he couldn't feel us beating on him). Afterward, we travelled back down... I chatted with my fellow transgirl. I learned that she was the only one in the club/center until now, she was excited to have another in the club/center, and she's going on hrt soon. I also learned a little bit about the services offered to students at our school. Things might just be getting easier for this girl! Soon though, the time came for me to go. I left the Center and went to the Unisex bathroom to change.

   

  After changing, I went back to the pride center, a little paranoid about having not removed all my makeup. When I entered I got a bunch of faces like "who's this new person?" one of them even told me he was about to say, "sorry, we're closing up for the day." Then I spread out my arms and said, "I'm Tara." As everything came together in their minds I placed my hands on my hips. They were astounded.

   

  I got all sorts of comments and compliments. Several of them said, "Tara, you pass." They even commented me on how well I presented myself as a girl. They didn't believe that I had never been on hormones or anything. It made me so happy I almost broke down and cried right there. I started spouting about how much I loved the group, about how just being there for 3 days, they'd made me feel so accepted and loved. Unfortunately, we had to part for the day, but I escorted my new trans friend to her car. We discussed a lot of things about plans for our futures and the trans community and feminism.

   

  I climbed back into the car, my spirit soaring. I was so happy the rest of the day. I blabbed about it to my confidant at work. His gayness was as giddy as I was! After work I met up with friends who I was out to and we went and celebrated this step.

   

  Lately, everyone's been asking me questions about different aspects of transition and asking me for preferred pronouns and calling me Tara! It makes me so happy, I've nearly cried a couple times through writing this. This has been a big, necessary step... and one that has brought me so much joy!

   

  I don't think I could have ever gotten nearly this far without the encouragement of my friends locally, and you girls here. Even those of you who might not ever talk to me... I see your posts--the pictures, the status updates, the blogs... All of you are so brave and so beautiful and wonderful. Seeing your courage, and how you don't give up despite what's thrown in your way encourages me every day to be who I am.

   

  I love you all! Mwah!