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  • 19 Jul 2016
    Hello Ladies - Another entry in the ongoing jounral of Briana Q - ( I actually do this as a sort of diary I suppose ). It has been some time since the last entry - much seems the same, yet there are new things afoot. I find time and again how many threads of my past were always interwoven with being myself ( a transgender woman ) and how I ran from it and even outright denied it. Today and for the last several years since ( as I call it ) the bubble burst - I have come to see my true image and self as the woman I am.  A classic example comes from fiction writing I did many years ago from childhood on as a hobby. Two of the key characters turn out to be transgender mtf's hiding in plain sight ( even before I knew that there were transgender people or a term for it ). In writing about them I personally could feel the release, though I kept my personal feelings out of discussion with others who might look at my work. Intentially I even made one female cisgender character my doppleganger - height, weight, hair, eye color, et al - and I have always seen myself as her, but never would tell a soul. Even in the work on the chacters in reflection I realize I always embodied and looked through the eyes of the female characters and strongly identified with them and saw the males as those guys over there.  That whole identiy and identifying thing has been another one of those threads I realized I kept hidden from all others, and tried often to not think about. I have even found myself making face and hand gestures of tv anchorwomen for example, almost unconsciously. I recall being quite yound and watching Barbera Streisand in What's Up Doc with my grandmother - we had a blast - laughing all the time with it. The whole time, I kept wishing I were her ( hope she never reads such a comment - would not want to offend anyone ). Being that young - feelings like that disturbed me a bit. Though I have to admit when it comes to my grandma what was cool was the fact I was the only grandchild with a nickname and it was Heidi - after the Shirley Temple character of the same movie name - that was another great time. - Other things are : Who wouldn't want to be Samantha ( Elizabeth Montgomery ) on Bewitched? - This list is enormous and comes to the present as well - I love the movie Emilie - the moment I saw it, I quickly identified with her and saw myself as her - Audrey Tautoo ( probably misspelled ) as the title character - she is fun, light-hearted, smart, fresh, intelligent, and pretty.  These identy threads were quite common - there was the show Facts of Life about 4 girls at a boarding school and operating a store - I always wanted to be one of them - but I had better ideas than they had for the characters - they had no science/math girl - I wanted to be the geek girl of the group. -- I could go on and on with this ( one day I might ) but sufficient to say I had and have an active mental landscape.  The thread theme is definitely one of the mental images of myself, much akin to a tapestry ( an early and still onging view of myself is as an Irish lass in a gorgeous multi-shade of green dress ). Threads are time too and are both external and internal. It was clear early on to me I knew how I felt but could find no cause-and-effect reason why - that is, seeing myself as a girl. Now all this time later I realize that the external threads all carry the wavelength of my being in my life, my view of myself, as a girl which have been internal all along. Still we are a combination of mostly internal threads and some external ones as well that shape the tapestry of who we are.  As noted in prior blogs I am still on course, still very much balanced - very much in tune with myself and like myself a lot. I do have my dumpy days - envying every cisgender woman on earth - feeling way too fat - don't get me started on my looks ( face , nose, hands, freckles, fat, chin, the never ending list ), having no friends ( tehnically two only and neither can know as they both hate transgender people ) - having no job ( lost after losing a 5 year battle in both the state and federal courts where a corrupt set of people where I worked deliberately destroyed not only my job but my entire career and all prospects to ever work in that area again ) and a very bizarre life that is rather boxed in for many reasons - such as too many chronic illness issues that are a perpetual battle - etc. This along with always being the least pretty girl in the room, falling back two steps with each attempted step forward, etc - amazing I find a reason to smile each day - but there are reasons : 1) alive with reasonable health that I have the ability and rational to deal with, 2) some friends ( despite having no roads to communication or freedom to be me ), 3) finally finding, acknowledging, and accepting myself as a girl after decades of creating every imaginable barrier to those thoughts and feelings. Plus 4) I am a very good person at heart, who is creative and carring , and intelligent. Even with all of that I still stick to my motto of : Resolve, Solve, Evolve - along with being a optimistic realist by nature.  Beyond balance there is an interesting fact - never in my life have I been able to laugh at myself as well as never being balanced - despite being a reasonably positive person to be around. Now not only am I more positive as a whole since fully finding myself, as well as being balanced in myself as noted, but also being able to laugh at myself. I recall the first time more than 10 years ago being on ebay when looking for slide rules and inadvertantly typing in slide and hitting enter. Up came a number of entries, children's backyard slides and a host of 35 mm slides among them. But there it was women's shoes slides - I grinned from ear to ear, my heart beat fast, I felt I had opened a secret treasure chest. I quickly looked about, of course, the normal guilt and fear then crept in - which I always projected onto all others. Now today I can look back and smile, even laugh at my insecure and struggling self - and be okay with me. It is not only transgender moments but my whole self - knowing what I really know and being able to know what I do not know, fully like myself and laugh at myself when circumstances call for it.  I have published 4 books in one year on science and math activities and seem to occupy a special niche in reading since few experiment books give substantitive depth on detail, formulae, and the like whereas I do. Most are geared for the 'wow' science of observation whereas I have crafted work where measurement and analysis of measurement are the goals of the science quest. - Unfortunately I have to use my birth name in publishing ( though I think about a great photo on back with me in a great outfit someday ) but I consider it my nom de plume. - Also there are activities where some of me comes out ( and this is on the web site of the books too ) for example pictures of a pair of my cute tennis shoes, wedges, and heels ( red no less ) are in the book and I declare they are mine. On the web site there is one essay about my favorite slide rule, the pickett B1 in my real name Briana P*** even. As for going out - the frequency is low to me, but that is because I like to and am comfortable with it. The barriers in my life are all external, which is good. In 2016 I have been to the mall a couple of times, walking all about, visiting stores, stopping for a coffee and the lke - this was in the week of St Patricks Day in March. All outings have been quite good and I felt like myself and had a great deal of confidence and energy. Thus far in July I have been to several stores and even the bank making a deposit and looking smashing I might add. The teller on July 19th even asked me - which this is a first for me - what do I prefer in being called and referred to - I noted that the account has a name already ( one I am born with ) - she said that don't matter - so I told her 'Briana' - which she called me. I almost burst into tears ( I seem to have a problem with that from time to time with sensitive movies and the like ). Still a great day to hold near and dear to me. It was like the first time ( the Henry Ford museum trip ) when I asked someone to take my photo and the museum host, a woman at the Fuller house, did this and was quite nice - not to mention a gentleman opened the exit gate for me on leaving - I was startled but walked through and said thanks.  Today - 7/28 - Another great day out - went to the mall on a warm day in one of my favorite skirts - I call it 'my fiesta' - was complimented, spoken to often and I stopped and helped to other ladies setting a sign at a store. The manager says 'you people are so kind' - I took it very positively and recognize I not only represent me but all of us TG gals when out and it makes a difference - always be the best you are! hugs, Briana : ) On 8/I don't recall - A day at Meijer where I went in my white crinkle fabric with leaves and floral pattern skirt with a cute green top and bought some nail polish and lipstick - a fun vanity day out. : ) Another day on on 8/23 - a grand tour of the local mall. Wearing a great outift and the weather was perfect. A lot of window shopping and strolling through the indoor mall - a favorite of mine sinece childhood. Stopped for coffee at my regular coffee shop and had some homemade cookies with me too.  ( I have been to this mall repeatedly, in fact as noted above as an example ). Looked in a few stores at great items ( don't we all wish to be wealthy ) - even bought a couple of maxi skirts at jcpenny that I have been admiring on line for some time and were now on clearance ( hurray ). Sales associates were helpful and overall a super time and experience. BTW the skirts look great! : )  On 8/30 decided to wear one of the new skirts to the mall, do some window shopping, stop for coffee and have some of my homemade cookies. It is the purple one - also decided to wear my white wedge sandals with it - looking pretty and it was a very nice time. En route to the mall did some grocery shopping and stocked up on necessities ( shaving cream, nail polish romover, et al ) as well. All in all a great day! : ) Another new adventure on 9/23 - All in yellow - skirt and top - out to a major store ( Meijer ) and combed it all - needed some cosmetics, cat treats, and silk yogurt among my items so I was everywhere. Prices are aweful and one has to be the savy shopper. Also - I've definitely put on weight over the time and some of my clothes are a bit too tight ( ouch ) - yesterday wrestled my way into and out of several dresses that were good a couple years back, but that's not so good now - even today I put on 3 outfits to settle on the yellow sun look and still am disappointed in myself as fat. Need to work on that one. Overall a very good time, however despite personal criticism ( trust me that list is way too long ). Always with a smile, good thoughts, and a happy heart. : ) Another outing today : 10/26 - went to the grocery store and the bank. I wore a burgundy top with a long black skirt and black hose and basic black heels. I needed my black jacket as it is a bit cold, cloudy, and starting a light rain today. At the bank the teller I had some time back who asked me what I wanted to be called was walking by and said 'Hello Briana' - I quickly turned my head ( interesting to note is that I know who I am, I just never realized I know it so well ! ( wow )). This was a great highlight today. Out once again on 11/15 and in a new skirt recently purchased. A red and black plaid with a cute red top. Went to my usual place - the mall - several good walk arounds and store visits with a stop for a coffee and some brought along cookies. Being the time of year it is, Santa is now there and even waved and shouted 'hello' - makes a girl smile.  Updates from 2017 : Times out and about :  1/18 - Went to the mall in a nice red - scottish pattern skirt and did a walk about, had coffee and window shopped 2/17 - Went grocery shopping in the same red skirt noted prior ( it is great for colder weather ) - had booties on with hose 2/24 - Though a bit brisk, it seemed to be nearing Spring, so I decided to go to the grocery store in a green dress ( my oldest piece and the one I wore to the museum a few years back ) 3/1 - Went to the bank and a majore big store in a red skirt 3/14 - Grocery shopping in a cute pair of jeans, sweet booties, nice feminine top ( bra and all ) with a wonderful scarf 3/29 - Much more like Spring, so I went with  my new floral skirt, red top and red flats - went to the big store ( Meijer ) and the grocery store. I was even complimented by a passerby on the skirt. Shopping was for all sorts of items so I was all over the store in each case.    Makes me reflect on childhood and the fact I never liked guy references, such as boy / man / prince / handsome - yet always liked and wished to be referred to as a girl - woman - cute - pretty - and princess. Finally makes sense.  More to follow on this one - many new ideas and adventures as myself await.  Take Care Hugs, Briana : )  
    450 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • 11 May 2018
    Hello Ladies - A new entry from the Cosmic Girl, Briana Purcell ( Q ) and her quest at being herself! Wow, it has been going on 8 months since starting hormones at this writing and again wow - there are many things to talk about. The dosages have been increased a great deal and I am more and more being seen as a woman even without makeup ( yipee ). My numbers are awesome - I am in some sort of mid range for most women in terms of estrogen level and my testosterone level is extremely low. I certainly need a bra, which is one of the clearest and obvious things that are changing. As noted by many other girls here for those looking at such things, yes there is some level of aching and sensitivity, particularly the nipples. My butt is certainly bigger and I needed new pants! ( Yikes ). My skin is quite smooth, soft. I seem to have a bit of a curve to my body too ( I have always been such a pencil - I am so happy at this new development ). There are many subtle and small changes but I really notice a difference as do many others. I seem to look years younger for example. I did have to buy a few new clothes as I went up a size or so ( oops ).  I have posted some of the new items over the last few months ( take a look and let me know ). Like many girls have noted in their hormones over time, there are some times of crying over some things - I am a bit of a softie and always have been. It can be pictures of animals, scenes even in a TV show which of course is fiction yet when two people touch in a needed hug ( I am definitely a hugger ) I have a few happy tear problems.   I remember when I first came out to myself 5 years back and have only been happier and evolving into the person I have always been in my mind. At the time I came out I considered a coffee/tea party with cookies and crackers for guests in my announcement. With all these things happening, I am considering it all the more these days. - I am definitely a bit of a girly girl and I love it. This includes not only clothes, but music, jewelry, shows I watch, et al. I will return to many things in a moment, but I will also note some interesting things. I ask myself, did I suddenly gain personal confidence, a clear sense of self? I notice I am extremely clear-headed, level-headed, very perceptive on both objective as well as emotional levels and issues in myself and others. I notice I clearly understand and am my identity as a woman. This was a conflict all through my life from childhood - seeing a given girl or woman on TV in a movie, as a news anchor et al and suddenly inside I'm saying to myself - I like that outfit, her hair, I love that personality. Instead of any conflict or question, the interesting thing today is this : I am who I am, a woman, simple as that with my own philosophy, personality, likes and the like. - To see more look to my earlier blogs in this evolution and the need to be and finding me.  Also in regards to the confidence, one day I simply decided to put on a bra, as it is needed and wear it regularly - even around many of the people I have yet to even come out to and discuss these matters with, such as my parents. I rent from them in the some home and see them, therefore, quite regularly, yet they are perfectly fine without even asking with me - I have come to find out that my brother even knows. Thus far there is reasonable peace in the valley, fingers crossed. An interesting thing in telling someone occurred when I was at my parents place itself when they had a cousin who does repairs over. He has known me from the past, so clearly this was new, yet he said nothing, so i asked him 'any questions' - he said 'nope' - I of course noted I needed to come out and be myself - he noted that we should all do what makes us happy and he is okay with it.  I walk in the neighborhood, go to the store, pharmacy, the doctor's, the bank, et al as me. I have done my nails, and I mean toes and fingers ( i like many spent years doing toes and keep them rather hidden ) and thankfully the weather is nice enough to have open toe shoes, so this girl shines! One of the tellers at the bank even notes that red must be my color when I saw Jennifer and she calls me by my name, Briana, when I come in the door - she even asked me two years back what do i call myself by name. At the doctor's office ( and I see a few of them for various things ) docs, nurses, et al see me as me - way cool! : ) Interestingly I did a rather long search on facebook the other day. I am considering telling my oldest friend from high school, but still have worries - though he is a great guy. Funny aside story is that we were born a day apart in the same hospital and graduated valedictorian ( him ) and salutatorian ( me ). Nevertheless, I write to him each year with birthday wishes, much like the girls here, and I send it the day before, I am an old school girl with timing where I want to give one the time to look at it then, or the day of their birthday or when they find time. As I signed my name, I wrote my name ( Briana ) - I had to fix that but that has become a bit more common these days. In the case of his facebook entry and considering to tell him I wanted to know more about him and who he knows. I researched his friend list, traced it back to a discussion group of people in high school and viola I came across a person with a girl's name but a last name of a boy I knew in high school. This put me on a longer search and I found an older listing and her newest one when she emerges - she is gorgeous, successful and a great gal. I hesitantly left one question after another and finally said I need to know, were you *** in high school - I need to know as I too am transgender! - She wrote back, we are now friends on facebook, exchanged email addresses, et al - life is too beautiful  sometimes.  There are many things yet to do ( personally of course ) and with regards to finding friends and coming out to a few key people yet, but these areas are strongly in development. A fun thing I did was get a calendar and I put information on the dates on there when things happen ( note I use it for all years, so I put down the year too ). This year is a continuous stream unlike the periodic pieces in the past. Nothing is better than being yourself.  I bought a great book, though written for kids, Be Who You Are on Amazon - I smiled and cried looking at the cover where the young person sees the girl she is in the mirror, it reminded me of me so much. I even have a write up about that and the book on Amazon in a review and give my name. These sort of books give me hope for the future. I have even did a dress and slippers reviews on two different sites with my name and pictures even. I regularly sign various petition letters on matters on health care, children, education, the environment that go to various US Senators and the like, they write back, use my name - I even sent a personal email to one telling her that I came out this year - her letters always start 'Dear Briana'. I have applies to jobs as myself, receive mail in my name quite regularly these days, and it continues. Nothing yet on the jobs front, but who knows? Still searching. I will clearly add to this entry as time goes by and even write further ones - the items are too numerous in terms of changes, events - I plan to do some scoping ( using my telescope ) in the front yard - totally as myself in the near future ( really a Cosmic Girl )  for example. I am thinking of visiting a few of those sewing and hobby stores to look into thing I like - I am not only thinking of trying but also joining small groups of women in these things. Sounds like fun.  I cannot thank this place and the people here, particularly my friends here enough for their support, it has been a great source of strength, inspiration, and I have hopes for all of us girls here. Great Health, Hope, Harmony, and Happiness Always. All the best in your journeys! Take Care, Hugs, Briana Purcell : )  
    388 Posted by Briana Purcell
Society Girl's Personal Blogs 61 views May 23, 2019
The Galaxy Girl's Continuing Enriching Tale

Hello Ladies - Though 2109 is only in May I decided to stop in and give an important update and evolution of the life and times of the Galaxy Girl - who is really Briana Andromeda Purcell - more on that as we read - and thank you for stopping by for a read.

A friend of mine noted at the start of the year when we were all giving each other well wishes for the New Year this year that I would have an awesome year. I would love to wish so, am ever the optimist, yet there is always a taint of realistic skepticism in there too. Nevertheless she was spot on and this year is thus far far more than I could have even imagined.

First, from last May when I first revealed myself to a dozen or so people from high school some 30+ years after high school and had an overwhelmingly positive response - and in time to this year the numbers of friends on facebook has grown to nearly 50 with nearly 20 from here at Gender Society even. One of my gal pals here noted I was very adverse to facebook - I responded - it took both me and the people I met to open that door and all things went better than imagined. 

I see friends several times each month at restaurants, we go shopping, and I have even had the great pleasure to spending the day at some of my friends homes - making meals, talking all day, going on walks, and having meals with the whole of the family. I share a soup with one friend another friend and I created at her house - it is awesome - chicken/lentil/rice soup. My friends  and I have taken walks on nature trails and the like as well. 

I felt that the development of my body was very good at first last year, then it seemed to slow and seemed a bit sad for me. I contacted my doctor who consulted with others as well and all agreed actually things are on track. Once again women, like my aforementioned friends in the prior paragraphs, were spot on. Always go with the gal instinct I find not just from them, but from me as well - it is certainly growing deeply ( more on this later ). Needless to say within days of that doctor talk suddenly my body has accelerated and am curvier, very feminine in form from head to toe beyond what I could imagine. One gal pal says she envies my arms - they are perfect she noted. This growth and change includes the breasts as would be expected - wow! The hormones ( now nearing 2 years in the next few months ).

I have been out in no less than 7 different dresses - my gal pals are wowed by this. I had so many hidden treasures from the past I never had nerve to wear years ago. And with this emerging body - the feeling is so uplifting, satisfying - I dare even call myself beautiful - and know full well it extends to the whole of my being to my core - to the girl I have always been. 

I spend each and every day as a woman with no exception. My common daily attire is actually a skirt. I have worn a skirt on average nearly 6 out of every 7 days since August of last year - come rain or shine. At my  bank, the store I regularly shop at there are clerks and managers who call out 'Hi Briana'. I have been noted as female by each and every person I encounter with no exception - name, pronouns, and all. At the regular restaurant my gal pals, my physics teacher, and I visit often we are well known there and have our waiter Bill always - he is the kindest and coolest - often takes the group photos for us so I can post them. I have been to have my tires changes, my oil changed, a muffler put on ( 3 different places ), going to florist, hardware stores, and more and more. It is an every day, every place, every situation where I am me.

In this time I have grown not just physically but emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. All of my friends see it and note it too. It is an incredible awakening or rebirth as my physics teacher noted - he too is on a journey of spirituality in his life and he and I often have talks for hours at a time on all sorts of soul related matters. 

This fact - that transitioning is not just bringing to the surface the girl deep inside and showing off via outfits and physical form but instead is the evolution of the whole spirit of the girl that I am. I experience all things emotionally along with deep mental connections and express myself very well. 

My gal pals are great emotional bounds with all sorts of conversations and we are supportive of each other in many ways. My friends have literally I feel been life savers for me. I see me emerging, blossoming, and becoming in large part due to their presence. Coming out to oneself is the first most critical day in a transgender woman's life, but then the next big day is coming out to and finding a core True Tribe, as we call ourselves, set of gal pals that effects one another and allows oneself to grow and glow I feel and this is my case. Being in the presence of such good souls has allowed me to blossom and this is awesome. 

As I noted previously I am even seeking employment where I apply with my name, Briana. This is still an ongoing quest - there are a number of open positions being evaluated with this writing. I have applied to no less than 5 universities and as many as a dozen positions as well. One of my closest friends for decades of time, a PhD himself even penned a letter of recommendation for me to his alma mater - I was in tears. ( I find cute kittens, thinking about friends, and the like brings on these crying episodes regularly ). 

This has led me to finally standing full and strong and with the help of my physics teacher - we have undertaken a journey whereby I will be Briana Andromeda Purcell now and forever more in name legally. I just mailed today the official paperwork after applying to the necessary court system and being fingerprinted too. Still more steps to go, but I am me always.

There is no greater feeling of wholeness, confidence, happiness, depth, and energy of just pure joy than being your whole self at all times in all ways and being acknowledged and accepted by such warm, caring, friends. As I noted to them - I was a dormant seed and now am in a blooming mode through them. 

This awakening and awareness has prompted me to look not just the past, not just the present, but the future. Seeking employment is clearly in that camp, but it is much more than that. I am looking in to doing artwork in glass and some other abstract pieces that extend from my being, my feelings, and creativity that is growing too. Next month I plan to attend a glass class to look into this with one of my gal pals. I am looking into knitting an crocheting too for art projects and the like.

Also I am re-developing my previously written books with my voice in it moreover ( since they were published as the guy I had to pretend to be for so long ) and am in the process of crafting a story of my transitioning while including in it composites of transgenders and the issues we face in our journeys as I have witnessed them or brushed up against them too. I began a rough outline of a fictional account a few years back and decided to reopen that file - and guess what - speaking from my heart, my soul - there is my voice - I wrote a couple of pages in minutes without even batting an eye. This is what I am referring to in the full evolution I am encountering and embracing in my womanhood and becoming the woman I am. I can speak from my heart and soul. 

I am even looking to being a spokeswoman for young people in terms of positive messages and bringing along being transgender and seeking to build bridges. This along with my art projects, teaching prospects in colleges, and the like. I have allowed my feelings and mind to seek to be who I can be so as to be the positive energy I have inside and can share with others. 

Always embracing great health, hope, harmony, and happiness that I often wish others. Always living as I have seen myself, the woman I am, Briana Andromeda Purcell, the Galaxy Girl all my life. 

Thank you for the time in reading this. Thank you Gender Society which I recommend often to others as I encounter them due to your support and the great people here that gave me the initial confidence I needed so long ago and has helped me arrive here and move ever forward. All the best to each of you in your journey. Note there are days I feel sad, blue, and there are some bumps in the road hither and tither but at the core I am always myself and you know what? That is all I need and the knowledge that the sun comes up again tomorrow. In the long run all the good will outweigh the bad because I only radiate positive vibes all the time. 

I find myself in a state of happy self all the time - fully being the girl, the Galaxy Girl at that, has been the single most important thing in all of my life.

I wish for each of you joy, wholeness, good caring friends and love in your journey. I have found this and so much more thus far and will write more as the journey continues. I have been very blessed. 

I feel these photos show just how much radiant joy there is inside and it beams out to the whole of the world, even galaxy ( nickname teehee ), if not the cosmos as well. They are taken by friends - no better picture than that I feel. 

Love, Briana Andromeda Purcell - the one and only Galaxy Girl - always and evermore

 



Comments

2 comments
  • Michelle Lynn
    Michelle Lynn Hi Galaxy Girl!


    It is great to hear the progress you have been making as Briana. I'm a bit envious. It is wonderful to have a group of friends who are supporting you. Good luck on your job hunt as Briana (or should I say Galaxy...  more
  • Briana Purcell
    Briana Purcell Hey Michelle - thank you for the comments and Yes the black hole pictures are awesome. Imagined items coming into view - makes the mind wonder and wander. - I am very fortunate to have such kind and caring friends - I feel time, persistence, and knowing...  more
    May 31