Life in Lucyland - the story so far

I suppose I joined this site mainly to talk to people who I could share my thoughts and emotions with; having felt somewhat isolated all my life, and living for the last 10 years on my own, fortunately able to dress as I please, but never having met anyone in the same boat. Even if I couldn’t get to meet anyone it would be nice to chat with some other girls, if only to discuss little things, like is blue eye-shadow really ok to wear or did that go out with Abba (no, Nena wears it and it looks good on her), or where can I get a dress with size 14 shoulders and size 10 hips?

What I didn’t anticipate was the profound effect being a member of this community has had on me. I’ve been here 2 months now and to say my life has changed is no exaggeration. In fact I have changed, my outlook on life, and above all my feelings about myself, and needless to say, greatly for the better. I’ve had the pleasure of chatting to some truly lovely, positive and supportive people, and what’s more I’ve been out dressed for the first time in my life, which was the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt, and I’ve felt a few, but nothing coming close to that. I knew it would feel wonderful, it’s something I’ve wanted to do for as long as I can remember, so I guess I needed it badly after so many years. As a child I had recurring dreams of being a girl, and when I awoke I knew something didn’t feel right; I’d desperately try to get back to sleep, back to the place where I felt right, in my little gingham dress. If mummy left clothes lying around I’d try them on, never feeling right in my own clothes, of course nothing fitted but it felt a whole lot better than my little boy’s stuff that I had to wear. So all my life it’s been in the back of my mind, steadily progressing towards the front; I wasn’t supposed to be a boy, I should be a girl.

No-one knows, apart from one very good friend who I know I can trust, and all you girls of course. My family is the biggest stumbling block I have against coming out, closely followed by my work colleagues and the small-town mentality of the people who live around here in general. I can’t bring myself to tell them, maybe one day I’ll find a way, but I think in my present situation it’s not really an option. So until a couple of months ago, not admitting to anyone or even myself, I had been slowly but surely sinking into depression and despair. What started as a slight self-destructive streak was becoming a slow, progressive suicide. I now know where my self-destructive streak comes from; my inability to accept myself. I won’t say I’m cured, old habits die hard, but I’m well on the road to recovery; I can now see a way out, a light at the end of the tunnel, and although I didn’t realise it until I saw it, it was much, much needed.

I’ve now realised that I do have a rightful place in the world, I may have been born not quite right, but everything’s in the right place inside me, which is what matters.

Obviously the biggest thing so far has been going out. It was a quiet night, I met up with Cat, who had been so encouraging, we ate out, visited some bars and walked around town – no big deal? Yes big deal, to be out in public dressed in a way that actually felt right was a point in my life that is hard to describe. I felt myself, instead of that other person I’ve pretended to be all my life. I felt confident, happy, and at peace with myself (not sure if I’ve ever felt like that in my blokey state). If people looked at me and noticed I was a man in a dress I didn’t mind, in fact I was happy for them to see that, because whatever I am, this is what I’m supposed to be wearing so like it or lump it, people. In fact the evening confirmed lots of things for me, but also showed me things about myself which I wasn’t expecting. Basically it made me feel better about myself, finding my place, maybe only part-way to where I really want to be but bloody hell it’ll do for now!

The plan now is to go out again, really as much as possible, though this can be quite tricky with a loving family who always want to know what I’m doing, or what I’ve been up to, if only they knew. I hate lying, but have to be economical with the truth to protect myself and them, and just to avoid any grief in general.

I guess you could say I’ve found myself, I always knew I was there, hidden away, but when the real me finally got out it was enlightening, and truly wonderful. I shall never look back.

Thank-you sisters, for helping me to look forward.

xx