An amateur psychologist speaks

Putting your thoughts down in writing can be surprisingly satisfying, I often find it has a cathartic effect. It occurred to me once that if I were to get run over by a bus, or similar tragic accident were to happen (not that I worry about these things), my parents would have the unfortunate task of clearing my house. When they got to my bedroom they would be in for a big, big shock. Opening my wardrobe they would probably jump to the conclusion that I had a live-in lover that I hadn't told them about. My wardrobe contains about 3 t-shirts, and the rest, well you can see some of it in my album pics, but basically it's bulging with the strain of all my proper clothes. Moving on from the wardrobe they'd come across my knicker draw (wow, this girlfriend really loves her knickers, I can hear them say), but then, if they hadn't already cottoned on to the real reason for all these clothes, they would start finding things that would probably shock them to their very core: Transformation mag's, pills, creams and potions, breastforms etc. Now if I was still alive and they found all this then I sure they'd want to give me a good talking too, and I promise I'd give them the same back, but the thought of them finding out without me around to answer their questions, and to try and offer some sort of explanation, is not something I'd wish upon them. The thought of their utter consternation upsets me and I suppose what I'd really want is for them to know that I was all right, my life was fine, I wasn't all screwed up, doing what I did made me happy, in fact it was essential for my very existence. I'd kind of like them to know all that now, but would find it very difficult to explain sufficiently for them to actually be happy about it. So anyway I decided to write it down and leave it lying around somewhere they'd find it, amongst all the clothes and paraphernalia. This was the first time I'd ever tried to put my feelings about myself and my, er, "condition" into words. Once I started, the words just seemed to flow from my fingertips, and I've never been a very good writer, but when I'd finished it was like, whoa! It reminded me of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, where Sigmund Freud gives one of them a quick diagnosis, explaining the reasons for his persona in a few sentences, not that I'm a fan of such films, but If you've seen it you'll know how I felt. It also occurred to me that all the Americans who visit their shrink every week, should just try to write a letter to their parents explaining the things they find difficult to discuss face to face, maybe they’d find it would have the same effect on them as it did on me, and save themselves a fortune on fees. Though having said that, I've never felt like I needed a shrink, but ever since I actually tried to put it all into words, and since chatting with other like-minded people on this site, I believe I know myself a whole lot better, and generally feel good about myself. I've never really had a problem accepting my condition, apart from times when I was a child wondering what was going on, and as a teenager, thinking none of my mates probably dressed up in their mum's clothes so maybe I shouldn't be doing it. But until now I've accepted it, with some frustration perhaps that there is no realistic way of ever being truly myself, and got on with it in the best way I can. Things have improved from that now though, I may never get to "go all the way", but I can be myself, and don't feel that if I can't be a woman things will never be quite right. I'm still hiding of course, no plans yet of coming out to all those around me, but if I can get out of town to meet some other girls then that will keep me going, and even when I don't have the opportunity, I now know that there's nothing to be nervous about, nothing to fear, and nothing within myself holding me back. That's a great feeling of freedom, especially when you've had these little hang-ups all your life that stop you getting out there and doing what you really want. My only regret, and it's a small one, is that I didn't do this sooner, when I was young and pretty (ok - debatable), but the Internet hadn't been invented then, and without it I would never have met you lot, who have helped me more than you'll ever know.

In the last couple of weeks, I've been approached by a few newcomers onsite, looking for practical advice, and support in general I think. I'm only too happy to give that, if I can help in any small way to change someone the way I've been changed then I'll be feeling even better about myself. I want to give something back (I'm now a paying member, Katie! And It's worth every penny, so get your hands in your purses all you basic members).