A statistician adds to the equation

The law of averages states that it's only a matter of time before I get found out. For the purposes of this thesis we shall ignore the chaos theory, which would only serve to confuse the issue, and which can easily be proven by the state of my bedroom at the moment anyway. Which in itself is a salient point; when one lives on one's own it's very easy to become comfortable with one's surroundings and therefore complacent about such things as clothes, shoes and make up strewn about the place. I do try to be careful though, my room is my sanctuary and obviously I don't invite other people up there. There have been many close calls though, and so far I consider myself extremely lucky not to have found myself in any embarrassing situations. On more than one occasion I've left my shoes or cardigan downstairs, and last weekend I realised that I'd left some eye make-up remover on my bathroom shelf for about 3 days, fortunately no-one had been round. My heart skips a beat though when people ask to use the bathroom, as it's not the first time I've done something like that, so I always think, oh God what have I left in there that I shouldn't? Also I also keep coming across bits of glitter from my glam clothes, or Lucy's long blonde hairs on the furniture; I'm beginning to wonder if I should have been a forensic detective or something, as I seem to be so good at noticing such things. Lets hope no-one else spots these things so easily. My prepared excuse is that I had a girl round recently, which in itself would probably cause quite a stir, I haven't had a girlfriend for a few years, though it is known that I do have platonic female friends. Not ones with long blonde hair that wear glittery clothes though, and make-up remover in the bathroom points towards a not entirely platonic relationship in my book. This all sounds simple to keep in check though, regular hoovering, careful inspections of furniture and bathroom shelves should avoid any problems, but I can be a little forgetful at times, and I bloody hate hoovering. The real potential for disaster though, is the fact that my parents have spare keys to my house. They've had them for years and as far as I know have never actually used them, but it's easy to imagine a scenario where my mum for example wonders if I need any clothes for my birthday or Christmas, and has a quick peek in my wardrobe to see what I might need (mum – I could do with a couple of short skirts for the summer please!) Mum does pop round to see me, quite often, usually at weekends so I try to keep an eye out for her (as I'm always dressed), but she's caught me out a few times, and I've found myself hiding under the windowsill with her tapping away and yoo-hooing. You can't imagine how awful that feels, and I hate having to make up excuses, which are all getting a bit tired now anyway; usually things like, I had the headphones on so didn't hear...

So my home is my castle but it's not impregnable. We can also introduce into the equation the influence that Lucy's persona has on the life and times of the other person she pretends to be, when in public. The pretence is not always easy to keep up, she can be a feisty lady, and doesn't like to be ignored. She certainly doesn't like to have stubble, or short hair, or stubby fingernails. So her hair grows longer every day, she'd really like to do away with the wig; she loves to grow her fingernails long especially when a night out is approaching, and she, or he in this case, probably shaves too often and too close for the good of her skin. OK 3^rd person is getting too confusing so "she" will be "I" from now on, whether disguised as a man or not.

I'm also using various hormone products, as yet I don't think this has had any great effect on my appearance other than slightly softer skin (my skin is still not in a good state though, a great source or frustration for me). And I have an intense aversion to body hair, except for where it's supposed to be, so get through a fair amount of depilatory cream. I'm always careful to keep my socks pulled up so as not to expose my ankles, and cuffs pulled down to the wrist, which is a relatively new habit I've had to get into (no short-sleeves for me this summer).

Put all these parts of the equation together and what do you get? Well I think it all adds up to some fairly good reasons for people to be slightly suspicious, possibly explaining the occasional odd look I get, and plenty of chances for Lucy to be discovered. The longer than average hair alone would probably account for the few (male) visitors at work recently who addressed me as dear, or love (from the other end of the room, with my head behind the computer screen), I guess they just weren't looking properly, and I was actually quite pleased, whilst they were totally embarrassed when I stood up and they realised their mistake (I could see it in their faces - "I'm not gay, honest....")

So should I be more careful? Try to hide it more? Neither is really an option. Not enough space at home to keep things hidden well enough to avoid all possibilities of being found out, and I simply can't tolerate my male characteristics enough to restrain myself from using any method of feminisation I can. But I'm not a bad actor, and though I'm sick of the role, in a Ken Barlow-esque sort of way, I'm well used to playing the part of a man, boring as it may be. But it's Lucy that motivates me, she is always there, regardless of what I'm wearing, and it's Lucy that's living this life, not that other person. I used to think that if Lucy were to be discovered my life would be over, my life would be made a misery by my friends and all those around me. I think the fear of ridicule was the thing that worried me most, but not anymore. Perhaps because I believe in myself a lot more now. People can say what they like but I know who I am, and nothing or no-one will ever change me. So I have to live my life in the way that’s right for me, I still wish lots of things were different but I’m working on those. Whilst I still wish to avoid being found out, I no longer live in fear of it, and have made far too many compromises in the past because of that. I can even see positive things coming out of it that I never imagined in the past. I don’t know if it’s possible to go on making excuses and little white lies indefinitely; it’s only a matter of time before someone close to me notices that something about me really isn’t quite as it should be. They will probably think it’s my mind that’s not quite right, but of course it’s not, it’s my body, so what’s the big deal about that? Well girls, you and I know it’s just a case of right mind wrong body, but society may take some time to accept that. Which I guess is why I don’t just come out and admit it to everyone. But one day that may be forced upon me, so I need to be prepared for it.

I believe I am well on my way. Lucy would love for the whole world to meet her, even if they think she’s a freak, but for the time being she’s happy as she is, and making new friends all the time. So I see no need to force the issue. I shall just get on with my life, go on being the best person I can be and do what I have to do. I believe if you try not to be the person you really are, you’re going to give yourself a whole lot of grief. So all I want to do is allow myself to shine. I’ve been in the shadows for far too long.