And the Lord said unto Lucy, "Rise, for you are healed…"

7 days and counting… One day going out dressed will be just a normal thing to do, it will feel natural and I won’t get butterflies thinking about it. I’d really like to be full-time, but need a change of circumstance or two for that to happen; as I’ve said before it’s just not possible at the moment, work, family, finances, location and so on (not to mention the need for facial surgery which I would seriously look into if I could afford it). In the meantime I have plenty of things I need to work on. I may never get to go full-time, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world; as long as I can get out from time to time, ok - as often as possible, I’ll be happy. At the moment going out is still an extremely exciting prospect; It’s hard to explain how much I hate having to go around as a man, without using lots of adjectives and foul language, so lets just say I don’t like it at all. That’s why going out dressed is so exciting; I’m well used to being dressed and getting made-up (still practice needed there though), but it’s the contrast between being out as a man and being out as my real self. I have to turn my mind off from it when I need to go out in drab, virtually every day, if I thought about it too much it would make me feel ill, and I’d never get out the door. I’ve never been happy about going out, I would describe it as a tendency towards agoraphobia (literally: fear of the market place, nothing to do with open spaces as many people think). I used to hate people seeing me in my drab state and so would scurry about avoiding eye contact with anyone when I was in public. But this is one way in which I have been changed by a greater understanding of myself, all brought about by what I’ve read and discussed on this site, and the realization of the effect that going out dressed has on me. The agoraphobia, and the self-destructive streak which I’ve mentioned previously is all down to an inability to accept myself, and when I write it down it’s perfectly bloody obvious why that should be. I’ve spent most of my life detesting myself, without admitting it, perhaps even realising it; and why shouldn’t I? I look like a man, and I’m expected to behave and dress accordingly. It feels perverse having to do that. It still doesn’t feel right but there has been a big change in how I feel about myself. I may not like my appearance but I can handle it now; mentally, I can cope. Actually it’s more than coping; I feel more than ever that I have an identity and that I’m happy with who I am, in fact I even quite like myself. Dressing at home has kept me going for a long time but now I feel there is so much more, and nothing seems so out of reach.

These changes are not only effective when I’m dressed, I feel different all the time now, even out in drab, dealing with people at work, meeting strangers; all these things used to make me feel awkward at the very least, but now it’s no problem, I almost relish it. It’s because I know better than ever who I am, that I can be who I want to be, and even if I’m not dressed right I am still that person. I feel more like Lucy than I ever did, like she has truly been brought to life, and really like my body has been taken over by a different person. Lucy makes all the decisions now, and handles things the way she wants to, and I think she’s much nicer than the person that used to occupy this body. She used to only become apparent when I got home from work, slipped into something more comfortable and relaxed into a somewhat more feminine mode, but now she’s 24/7. This is the person I really am, the person I should have always been; at last I have found myself.

I wonder if I ought to feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life being the wrong person, as it were, but I can see clearly why I’ve felt so wrong about myself. To suddenly feel right - a completely whole, happy and contented person is a bit of a miracle really. That’s how it feels, and I can’t look back and have regrets, because that miracle is just so astounding. Besides, Lucy isn’t like that; the old person who used to live here would regret stuff and wish things could have been different, but that’s no way to live and Lucy is much more aware of such things. Lucy looks forward to life, and doesn’t live in fear of anything. Even if she has to dress in stupid men’s clothes she is stronger in her mind, and feels happy inside, regardless of outward appearance.

If I could apply the solutions for my problems to other people’s in the everyday world maybe I could become very rich. I could move to America and become a shrink, or write a book. But I doubt if the reasons behind other people’s problems are the same as mine, and I guess it’s unlikely that joining trannyweb and going out dressed as a woman would work for everyone. Now wouldn’t that be a nice simple solution to all the world’s problems? Seriously though, I do wish I could help people to come to terms with themselves the way I have done, and I don’t mean for financial gain. I may not be able to help people with "normal" problems, but I know what it’s like to be transgendered, and about the issues surrounding it, and I know that out of all the chaos and mental anguish it really is possible to find a positive route – a way up from the slippery slope. It’s all about self-realisation and accepting yourself. That may be something that ultimately no-one else can do for you, but I hope I can help, should anyone feel they need it. Well, we can all help, being part of this community makes you a helper and a helpee (yes I know I just made that word up). Realising you are not alone is encouraging, seeing your own feelings and emotions in others is enlightening, and making sense of it all is amazing. And miracles do happen.