In my place

Last night I was chatting to Emma, who I’ll be meeting up with when I go to London for Tramsmission in June. We’re going to make a girly weekend of it – go out for a drink on Friday, do some shopping on Saturday then tm that evening. Sadly I’ll have to drive back on Sunday, but wish I could stay for longer because there is just so much I want to do (so much shopping, so little time). Hopefully I can arrange another visit soon, maybe go to the Wayout club and stay at the Philbeach, both of which sound most interesting and just the place for me. Anyway we were talking about all the things we could do, and she sent me some pics from tm; the weekend will be amazing. Most of my weekends are spent being girly, but on my own, filing my nails and stuff like that, thankfully with nice people to chat to on tweb, but always at home. I do like London, at least as a place to visit, and the thought of walking around town, lunching in the park, and shopping whilst dressed is just heavenly. I said the other day that it may take some courage to go shopping en femme, but what’s to stop me? Only myself. Not long ago that would have stopped me dead in my tracks, but that would have been the old me, who feared the unknown. So I may not be passable, shop assistants may glare, customers may stare, but do I care? Not really, like I said before this is the real me and I’m happy about it so people will just have to like it or lump it. Maybe I’ll find that shopping whilst dressed is easier than shopping in drab, which has always felt awkward, but I haven’t lost my sensitive nature altogether and I really don’t want to be sneered at, though I no longer fear that. I do feel strong enough to cope with it now, and I expect I’ll just smile politely at anyone who is less than courteous, after all, they’re the ones with the problem. And on the practical side, maybe I’ll pluck up the courage to actually try something on before I buy it; although I’m pretty good at being able to tell by looking whether something will fit right, you never quite know if it will look right.

Although I’ve seen lots of pics from tm and similar events, the ones Emma sent me really hit home. I will be amongst people that are like me, maybe the same but different, but basically the same. I will at last be "one of the girls", in a group that I really belong to, without having to try and pretend that I fit in. This is the stuff of dreams, but soon to be reality. My childhood recurring dreams are still fixed in my mind, as strong as they were when I awoke from them, aged 4. My dreams are more grown up now, I’m usually wearing something more elegant than a gingham minidress, and they don’t recur, but those early images have stayed with me all my life. When I have a song going around in my head I find if I put that song on when I get home, it helps; maybe doesn’t stop the song repeating in my head, but somehow it feels like a release. Going out for the first time was a release in that kind of way, only infinitely more needed, and more satisfying, than playing a record. The thing about my dreams was I was always in public, I was a girl and everyone knew it, in fact nothing unusual about them at all, apart from the fact that I was happier in my dreams than I was in real life. It was only in my dreams that I felt normal and everything seemed right, which is how I realised I felt when I was out. So it’s not just being dressed, or being dressed in public that I need to do, but I need to be a part of something more. I already feel like I am, but to actually be in a place where everyone will accept me without prejudice has got to be a dream come true.

Emma and I also talked about sipping cocktails in the hotel bar whilst wearing something classy, where we could go shopping, short skirts in the park… More than just going out dressed, what I need is to live the life of a lady, even if only occasionally. So I realised what a super weekend this promises to be. You can’t blame me for getting excited about these things can you; it’s got to be better than staying at home filing your nails.