In your place, or mine

I mentioned my recurring dreams again yesterday, and there I go again today, they’re starting to recur as often as they did when I was 4. Sorry about that, I am known for repeating myself, something I get from my mother, not the only thing I expect… yes, digressing too. I have a couple of friends who I’m certain read their dreams the wrong way, they explain their dreams to me in great detail, which I must admit I don’t enjoy at all, but they then connect them with something that happens in the days or weeks following, believing that their dreams are in some way a premonition. What a load of nonsense. Dreams are just your subconscious showing itself, although the way in which that happens can often be downright weird, but doesn’t necessarily mean you are too. I believe my early dreams show the true person within me, my current dreams show that too, but why would a 4 year old have dreams where it felt profoundly right to be a girl? Too young I believe, to have been conditioned into thinking that girlyness was a better way of life, too young to need to escape from the pressures of being a male in a competitive society by cross-dressing, too young to even understand all that stuff. No, my dreams then and now, clearly show me something about myself; I was born this way, I have always, and will always be like this. Something in my brain fills me with the need to be feminine. Part of me therefore is female, it may be a miniscule atom-sized particle, but it affects my whole being. That makes it pretty huge. I’ve read a little about the theory of how the brain differs in the transgendered, possibly affected at birth by hormonal changes in the mother at a crucial stage of the pregnancy; the point at which gender is determined in the brain, a completely separate determination from the physical gender-defining characteristics. This seems to make sense, and in a way makes it a no more serious problem than being born short-sighted, or forgetful or repetitive or whatever; something that was decided for us long ago by the powers of nature, completely beyond our control. Seems to me the best thing we can do about it now is to take control of our life, and steer it in a way that gives us some sort of satisfaction, rather than frustration. If you don't, girls, the frustration will get the better of you. I've heard quite a few girls say they're not ready to go out in public yet, and I wouldn't push anyone into that, but I felt for years I was not able to go out, and am now wondering why the hell I didn't get out sooner. It may not happen for everybody, but getting out might just change your perceptions of yourself, and of your environment. I can see the frustration in these girls' words, and even the desperation, I think they need to get to a place (spiritual/emotional place) that they might not be aware actually exists, but they are all aware in some way or other that the place they are in doesn't feel right, or is not enough for them. There are plenty of girls here that would like to help with this, perhaps because they've all been there and have now found something better. I know I have, and I'd love to share that enlightenment with others. My first day onsite, in the chatroom, people were inviting me out shopping or clubbing, in fact I was spoilt for choice, but it was too soon, I wasn't ready....

That soon changed though, some girls in particular were incredibly helpful and encouraging, which in turn encouraged me to help myself. That's what you have to do, search your inner self, tell yourself you have nothing to fear, put on your best frock (or I'll lend you one) and get your girly shoes on the pavement. When I stepped out of that hotel and onto the street I was reborn. Any fears or nervousness I had melted away, being replaced by an intense warm feeling of naturalness, from at last feeling myself, and being in my place. I was a new person, the real me that had been fighting to get out for all these years.

Next time I'm out, only a few days away, there will be no fear or nerves, just excited anticipation, which is bubbling up already, in case you hadn't noticed. And this time I'll be wearing a short skirt. Watch out Manchester here I come!