Friends and Shopping

It’s nice to be making so many new friends here, I may have only met two of them so far but that will change in a couple of weeks when I go to Transmission, looks like there’s going to be loads of us there. What’s really nice of course is the fact that all these friends have something in common with me that none of my old friends have. I can’t help feeling slightly distanced from "the old crowd", never being able to reveal my full and true self to them. Until recently I’d never met anyone who shared the same desires, inner feelings and practical difficulties, not to mention dress sense. So it’s great to talk to you girls and not have to hide anything. Pretending to be someone else seems to restrict the enrichment I feel I should be getting from socialising with my friends, who I do truly love by the way. Maybe they would love me more if I gave them my all, maybe they’d run a mile, I can’t help wondering. Maybe one day I’ll find out. My new friend Emma has recently confided in a gg she has known for some time, who seems to be completely accepting and supportive of it all. I’d love to be able to do that, but I have to admit my first priority would be to drag them out shopping. Unashamedly selfish I know, but I’d make sure I bought them something they fancied as a thank-you. I’m not about to come out and tell anyone though, I don’t like gambling unless it feels like a safe bet, and this would feel like one huge gamble. I’m not as concerned about my reputation as I used to be, but I’m not going to push myself into any irreversible situations just yet. Practically, I would have to leave my job if my secret got out (it’s complicated but take my word for it, Lucy can’t work in this place if people know about her), and at the moment I’m enjoying spending all my wages keeping myself in the manner to which I have become accustomed (I bought 5 skirts and 3 tops and some jewellery in Manchester). You don’t have to have money to be a tv, but it helps. 10 years ago I was a lot worse off and could only shop in charity shops (some good ones where I live) and even tried my hand at sewing, not my forte though, could do with some lessons. Would be super if I was able to take in some of my dresses at the waist and hips, never been able to manage that successfully, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I’m trying to be careful about what I spend now, the last couple of months have been mad (but fun!) however going out dressed has become possibly the most important thing in my life and I must get clothes that are suitable; I love my pink gypsy tops and everything, but most of my clothes are either not practical, or not glamorous enough for going out, and I want to look my best as any self-respecting girl would. Which makes me think: Lucy’s male counterpart has absolutely no interest in clothes, never buys them, and is not concerned about his usual slightly scruffy appearance; is that down to lack of self-respect perhaps? I think so, he’s never had any reason to respect himself, as he’s always felt like a non-person; he, is really a she, so why should she want to look good as a man? That’s improved now, as the feminine side of my personality is more in control; I respect myself as a person, and no good will come from disrespecting myself as a man. I ain’t gonna start buying Levi’s and trendy shirts though! It’s a good job "he" is not interested in clothes, as "she" spends all her money on her own stuff, clothes which really matter, and actually mean something to her. When I was married (yes well, I’ll try anything once), we were quite broke, and my wife spent far too much money on clothes, always impulse buying; I never quite understood that the way I do now, but wife person – I forgive you! (I have to because I’m probably worse than she ever was).

Anyway a few more tops, some decent shoes, maybe another little black dress and I should be sorted for the nights out that I have planned. I probably didn’t need the 5 skirts I bought in Manchester, though I did wear one that night, and they were all very lovely and reasonably cheap, so I think I should allow myself those little impulses, don’t you? It’s all part of being a girl.