Two feet firmly on the pavement

Trans-mission approaches once more, seems like only 10 minutes since the last one. Well, 10 days to be precise. Just in case anyone out there doesn’t know, Trans-mission is a once monthly club event held in London, organized especially for girls like us. Isn’t that lovely? I went to the last one and it certainly was. It was my first time, so I was a Tm virgin, but they were gentle with me. The next one is a special event though to celebrate their second birthday, and this one’s in Manchester. It may be a few months before I can afford to go to London again but there’s no way I would miss this, it being a lot closer to home; I won’t even need to take time off work – something else that restricts my social activities. Fortunately I’m allowed to use my holidays pretty much as and when I please so I can take odd days off here and there, which allows me to get away for long weekends for events such as Tm. I can’t see myself ever taking a proper holiday again. Though one thing I’d quite like to do is get away for a week abroad, somewhere I can dress all the time. I haven’t found anywhere suitable yet but it’s just a thought for the future.

In the last few weeks I’ve met several girls new to the site, who I can tell really want to get out for the first time, but maybe feel they are not quite ready. I’ve been trying to encourage them because I know what a big, big difference it’s going to make to them, and how much they’ll enjoy it. It can seem a little daunting to make that first step, the fear of the unknown, fear of ridicule, I remember how I felt before the first time, just a little bit nervous because I fear the unknown as much as anyone. Or used to. I don’t think I do so much these days. Of course going out is no longer "the unknown" to me, and at the time I just knew I had to get out so nothing was going to stop me. It was quite simply the best thing I ever did, and set off a reaction in me that has caused changes in myself which I never expected, perhaps never dreamed possible. Nobody ever told me that would happen, maybe it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it was a nice surprise to say the least. Well that’s a ridiculous understatement actually; it has changed the way I feel about myself, and therefore changed my life. I’ve found fulfillment within myself, rather than from external influences, an inner happiness that I’ve never had before; being in love has made me happy in the past, but not being myself. No-one can take that away from me, it’s here to stay, I’m sure. Of course bad things will happen, they always do. I am still liable to get upset, angry, frustrated, but probably not with myself, in the way I used to. All this gives me a burning desire to help others, maybe to find the same thing, but at least to get out and about, feeling as good as I do when I’m out dressed. Fear of ridicule was a big thing to me too, always has been. It’s something that has contributed to me being so quiet. I’ve found myself talking to people too quietly in the past, because I don’t actually want them to hear what I’m saying, which is stupid I know, but creates a vicious circle – if you don’t want them to hear you, why say anything at all? Fear of ridicule perhaps comes from fear of inadequacy, or at least lack of self-confidence, but wherever it comes from I can understand people worrying about it as I did. I thought I would hate it, feel awful if people stared, gave me nasty looks, laughed, made derogatory comments; surprisingly that was not the case. Some people are bound to look at you, they are naturally curious and I’d look too (but hey, I have a professional interest); something else that surprised me – I enjoyed this. Also more people than you think will not take a blind bit of notice, and I enjoyed that too; it’s nice both to be noticed and to go unnoticed. Even if people do look at me strangely, or say nasty things (that hasn’t happened yet, but I’m prepared), I don’t mind because they are seeing the person I really am, this is what makes me happy, and people like us do actually exist in the world. The more people that see that the better. Society’s rather poor attitude towards us in general is caused largely by its fear of the unknown; men in dresses - ooh scary? To be honest, I think that most individuals really do not have a problem with us, certainly in my experience that seems to be the case, and to have people want to talk you, to be genuinely interested, or just be polite is, well, awesome. The girls who’ve never been out will probably be thinking as I did that everyone is going to point at them and generally be non-accepting. Not so girls, prepare to be reassured in humanity, but don’t bother about the few who are ignorant if you do come across any. I just smile at them, they can’t help it poor souls, conditioned by society’s emphasis on conformation, which is gradually improving all the time. I don’t wish to appear naïve at this point, I know some girls have had bad experiences when they’ve been out, but I’ve always been good at avoiding trouble, I’m very diplomatic, and there really is no point worrying about what might happen. Best to be sensible though, I wouldn’t recommend going to a football match for example, or my local Indian restaurant on a Saturday night which is always full of drunken rugby players. Bad enough going out in drab there to be honest. Maybe a long-haired musician is an easy target for their beer-fuelled bravado, and maybe their little minds would not know quite how to deal with Lucy, but I think she could handle them. Actually come to think of it, I’d love to try that some time, would be fun! There used to be a shy, quiet guy sat in the corner of our local Indian restaurant, hoping that no-one would even look at him let alone poke fun, but now there would be a much more confident woman, unafraid of what anyone was going to say to her, and ready to take on the world. You see how much I’ve changed? And all it took was 2 steps onto the pavement.