Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart

At work again. Just dealt with a man who all the time looked to one side of me, and paused 10 seconds before each sentence, which seemed like an eternity, and was slightly unnerving. You do meet some strange people in this place, well, look at me. No, I'm normal, as far as I'm concerned. Normality is a subject that I've seen brought up in the chatroom a few times, interesting to see different views on the subject, such as: I'm normal everyone else is weird, it's all relative, no-one is normal there is no such thing, surely I can't be normal doing this, and so on. I think there's an element of truth in all the examples above, except perhaps for the last one, which I'm inclined to dispute. Doing what I do feels perfectly normal to me, probably because I've always done it and it stems from feelings I've had all my life. Other people might see it as slightly unusual, but that's simply their lack of understanding. There can be nothing wrong with wanting to express oneself outwardly the way one actually feels on the inside. Which is what we're all doing, in our own different ways. By different I mean for example, the difference between a liking for thigh length PVC boots or dainty little court shoes, a recent subject of mine which has provoked some debate; ladies and their shoes - it's inevitable I guess. My thoughts are meandering again, but I can see a short-cut from the point about outward expression, to the subject of SRS. It's something that's always been on my mind, and is not going to go away. When you feel like a woman inside the desire to express yourself as such, is overwhelming, in my case essential to my survival. The self-destructive streak I used to have seems to have disappeared entirely now, so I firmly believe that coming to this site has helped to save my life. This makes me look at the question of SRS with a slightly different perspective. I do want to be a woman, I always have done, I always felt I was born with the wrong body, and therefore I always thought I had a difficult problem with a very difficult solution. Lounging about at home in comfortable clothes is one thing, but getting out and expressing myself properly, in public, is a whole new ball game. Bad choice of metaphor perhaps. It leaves me wondering whether I can actually be totally fulfilled living this way. I've always plodded along in life, gone with the flow, but I've had enough of that, I want life to be wonderful, satisfying, and as perfect as possible. I guess I always thought I could never be fulfilled unless I was a woman, but I'm so happy at the moment I wonder if any extreme surgical procedures are actually needed. I haven't decided yet, I always thought full SRS would be the ideal solution, but I've found an incredible happiness just by venturing out. I suspect this is only a temporary solution though and it feels so good because it's so much more than I've ever done before, in terms of expressing my true self. A lot of people have suggested to me that I'm only going to want more of this. I know they're right. Once or twice a month is not going to be enough, even if I could find somewhere to get out every weekend I'm not sure if that would be either. I'm sounding greedy I know, lots of girls find very few possibilities to get out, some not at all, and I sympathise, empathise in fact because I know what it's like to not even get the chance to dress, I lived like that for years, but never again. I feel restless at work, I always have because I hate the bloody job, but even my attitude towards that improved with my new-found self-awareness. The restlessness now is different. I simply don't want to have to put up this pretence any more, not that I ever did, but whilst I feel better within myself, I know how much better things can be, and I resent having to spend over 40 hours a week living a drab existence in more ways than one. But we all gotta work. (I was talking to my American friend Wendy about picking up accents, and there you see Wendy - look how bad my English is getting just from talking to you!) I can't imagine anywhere in this town that would accept me as a "female" employee, and of course I'd have to find the strength to come out first, but I haven't gained that much strength yet, and I'm still not sure how I'm going to find it. This always brings me back to the same thing, maybe I should move away. If that sounds like I'd be running away, then maybe, but I'd be running away from some of the obstructions that are preventing me from living my life as I've always seen it. I wouldn't expect to leave all my troubles behind of course as I'd have a whole new set of challenges to face.

But I can't deny that the biggest obstruction between my current situation and coming out, SRS or wherever I'm headed is actually, me. At some point I will have to make a move, mentally or physically, in order to progress. Since I obviously like metaphors:- I'm heading out on a long journey, I've finally set off, and each of my times out dressed will be like a stop-off at a service station, in order to fill up with enough fuel to reach my destination, wherever that may be. At least I have a vague idea, and am no longer running in circles, chasing tails. Bit of Coldplay crept in there, and as that song quite rightly points out, nobody said it was easy.