The Good Ship Lucy

Sometimes you don't realise that change is needed until the change has already occurred. I've had one or two unexpected changes for the better in the past, as I've allowed myself to be washed along the stream of life, hitting the occasional rock and bouncing off in a different direction. It gives you a nasty knock but sometimes you end up in clearer water. It's the log-jams you've got to watch out for; unable to change direction because of the things you get caught up in as you meander downstream. Some people are fine with this; stuck in a rut to one person can mean being settled to another. Either way, if you're not in control of your own direction, watch out when you're headed for the waterfall. (I'm stealing song lines again, but I won't tell you who it is this time - answers on a postcard please). I'm still trying to work out a few manoeuvres, how to wriggle myself free from the big heavy logs either side of me. It will come.

Past changes have been in circumstance only though , I've never really changed, not until now, not like this. Freedom of self-expression; it's a wonderful thing and we all need it, some realise this more than others. Self-expression has always been important to me, but this is different, big time (Peter Gabriel – there I go again). I always knew I would enjoy being out dressed, but never realised what a change it would make to my own view of myself, or how much that change was needed. Had I known, I would have done it a lot sooner. Makes me want to stop splashing about, midst the weeds and the sedge and the pond's muddy edge (Aristophanes; no-one will get that one), and build a ship and sail off into the sunset, rescuing survivors on the way. The good ship Lucy - may God bless her and all who sail in her.

In short I feel it's about time I took more control over my own destiny. I'm not actually considering becoming a sailor. I can't help wondering how I've come this far with all my marbles intact, or most of them anyway. And why did I not realise that I needed to make some changes, needed to find some direction? Just too used to going with the flow I guess, and never having known any better. If you go through life without finding real satisfaction it will grind you down. It's an old cliché, but one that some people need to wake up to - life is what you make it. I now know that in order to change my life, I first had to change myself.

Little things had been nudging me towards doing something about myself, even before I joined T-web. I heard a song called The Inner Child, not everyone's cup of tea but it blew me away, a haunting female voice that touched my soul; thing was I didn't know who it was by so I searched Google to find out. It was by Mike Oldfield, from Tubular Bells 3 by the way. I really should have spotted that distinctive guitar sound but it was quite hidden in the mix... Anyway, whilst searching I also discovered what the inner child actually means: as children we are aware of our needs and desires, as we grow we are conditioned to ignore them, or at least not place as much emphasis on them. Also as we grow we pick up emotional wounds, life is harsh, and we find ways of making our inner child stronger to cope with this rather than allow it to be beaten to death. By doing so we repress our true selves. We can help ourselves by healing our inner child, and getting back in touch with our needs, and consequently making more attempt to realise our desires. Because we don't stop having them, and we don't stop having a need for them to come into fruition, but we do stop trying to do anything about it, and it screws a lot of people up. I've always tried to treat myself to little luxuries now and then, but when I read about this I saw that something deeper was needed. So I asked myself what do I really desire, what has my inner child never got for Christmas, what part of me remains unfulfilled? It was obvious, I was a girl, and had never had chance to express that, as a child or an adult. If I had it was always alone, in my own private world, not very fulfilling. At that moment I discovered the answers to virtually all my personal problems, only I still didn't realise it. However it got me into the right frame of mind to start looking for more, still unsure of exactly what I was looking for. But I knew it was the transgendered side of me that needed to be dealt with, allowed to flourish, so I looked for websites in the hope that I would find some help with that. And here I am, you know the rest. I was going to say, and the rest is history, but it’s not over yet, I still have a long way to go. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say, the rest is history in the making.