Nadia wins Big Brother, Lucy wins Big Sister

Well I did it, I told my friend Ann about me. Do I feel different? No not really, but I’m glad it’s out of the way. It wasn’t easy. We had a quick bite to eat and sat down in front of the telly, we both wanted to watch the final of Big Brother. It was on for most of the night, but I didn’t want to wait until the end before telling her. I’d avoided preparing a script, in fact had been trying to avoid thinking about it at all for the past 24 hours, but this left me not knowing where to start. How could I say it? I couldn’t just blurt out, "I’m a transsexual!" As we watched Big Brother, commenting on the contestants I groped for words in my head, trying to find a starting point. Ann asked me who I wanted to win, I said that a large part of me wanted Nadia to win. (In case you haven’t read the last blog or seen Big Brother, Nadia is a post-op transsexual). Ann agreed that she would like to see Nadia win, but also liked Dan a great deal. I hoped she’d ask me to clarify what large part it was exactly, but I guess I was still being too subtle. My heart was starting to pound, I had to get this over with, and having Nadia there on screen had to be some sort of help. A couple of minutes later I said that actually I was biased wanting Nadia to win. She sat up and took note at that, obviously it was less subtle.

"Why…?"

Emotion was starting to get the better of me, my voice cracked slightly but I held it together. "That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. It’s because, I’m like her".

She stared at me half blankly, half in disbelief, apparently speechless, so I continued. "It’s something that’s been with me all my life and I’ve kept hidden from most people". She put her arms around me and hugged me, I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

"Ohh, love", she said, squeezing gently. I felt slightly better. She was now struggling to find her own words so I went on to tell her that it was ok, it wasn’t a bad thing and I was happy within myself. I then explained about the developments of the last few months and how this had changed me and was really the reason for me wanting to tell her now. Gradually she began to ask questions, and all the right ones. She seemed to have a good understanding of transgenderism in general, considering she had never met anyone like that (or so she thought). It was all a shock to her though, or at least a very big surprise.

In the Big Brother interval I took her upstairs to show her some pictures. Her eyes were glued to the screen and she made a silly comment about me making a better woman than she did; not true of course. She didn’t really give too much away but I don’t think she thought I was hideous.

Of course it was a lot for her to take in, she had absolutely no inkling, but I’m so glad that she handled it so well. In my heart, I knew she would not really think any less of me, and I’m sure she will continue to stand by me as she always has. In fact she rang me the next morning to reassure me that she still loved me and wouldn’t desert me because of it. In a strange way I now feel it’s her that needs my help, she’s the one who needs to talk it through. Or maybe that’s just me wanting to be sure that she understands it fully.

A few people have asked me things like, will you dress for her, can you borrow her clothes now, will you go shopping with her? No, no and no. That’s not what it’s about. She’s one of my closest friends, and I wanted her to know the truth. At the moment I feel that it will make no difference to our relationship. As I said to her, "I am still me, you just know me a bit better now". I feel she has a right to know who I really am, and I’m glad I’ve told her.

Ann, thanks for being you. xx