Decisions, decisions…

I’m not too disappointed about missing a night out tonight, apart from the fact that my concern for a friend overshadows any disappointment I may have had, I’m going out at the weekend anyway. And not half. For it is that time of the month again – TM London. Will be my second time there, but this time Pippa’s coming with me, which is nice. Maybe she’ll even manage to keep me out of trouble. We’re going down on Friday night and staying with Sarah. Pippa suggested we should travel down dressed, which I thought was a great idea, but I’ve added the stipulation that we must stop for lunch on the way. My recent experience of being dressed for lunch at a motorway service station was absolutely no big deal, but Pippa is not so used to being in public places that aren’t known as tranny haunts. That sort of thing can seem a little daunting at first, but I’m sure Pippa will also discover that it’s really no big deal. Anyway Pip you can either be brave about it or be dragged in by the scruff of the neck, but we are going for lunch, ok? I can’t seem to get this picture of Thelma & Louise out of my head though…

Pippa & Lucy, the road movie, somehow I think it’s going to be a wild weekend. So once again I will be leaving the house dressed and driving through town, my only concern is that someone will come round just as I’m about to leave. Should I hide, and hope they’ll go soon, pretend I’m going to a fancy dress, come out on the spot? Depends who it is I guess. My mum often comes round unexpectedly and it’s starting to get tricky. She came when Sarah was here, we didn’t hear her so she left a note through the door, but of course when I saw her she asked whose car was parked outside. Fortunately I’d arranged an alibi, said Paul and a friend were here at the weekend, unfortunately Paul forgot that he was my alibi and just happened to bump into mum in town, and said that he hadn’t seen me for over a week, so she got 2 conflicting stories. Fortunately dizziness as well as blonde hair comes from my mother’s side, so I’m not really sure if she twigged, despite the blatant lie. They may be white lies, but I hate having to tell them, and that’s one reason for telling my mum the truth about me. It’s been on my mind a lot recently, and I’m trying to find other reasons for telling her; does she really need to know? Will it be any easier for her if I sit her down and calmly (yeah right) explain about me, rather than her discovering me dressed. I’ve no doubt in my mind that she will not react badly towards me, will not disown me, but I can’t be sure she won’t be hurt by it or unnecessarily worried. I don’t want her to see it as some sort of psychological problem, in fact any problem at all, because for me it just isn’t. It’s always been something I’ve just accepted about myself. Like most of us I expect, I have never thought to myself, I wish I wasn’t like this. It’s just me, the real me, and I think that’s the main reason I want to tell her, she’s my mum and I’m more or less always pretending that I’m someone I’m not. I try to be honest with her but she’ll ask, "What’re you up to this weekend?" Oh just doing the tranny version of Thelma & Louise, joining hundreds of other t-girls at a club in London, drinking lots of vodka and generally having a wild time with my t-girlfriend. "That’s nice dear…"

Of course I would still hide some of the gory details, mothers don’t need to know everything, but they ought to know who their son or daughter really is. I feel I owe that much to her, even if the truth hurts. So I’m pretty much decided that I will tell her, but not before the weekend, unless she turns up on Friday morning. I don’t know how to though. Telling Ann was not easy, and I want to find a way of explaining it better to my mum, so she really understands that there is no need to worry. Reading the forums and chatting with others in similar situations is helping to give me some ideas of what to say, but of course when it comes to it I will just be a pathetic heap of jelly. Anyway I shall try not to think about that too much and just enjoy our weekend adventure.

I added some more pics to my fantasy album, for anyone who’s interested, (perhaps I won’t show those to my mum) and of course I will have more pics after the weekend. Which reminds me, I really need to think about what I’m going to wear. Now that’s what I call a difficult decision.