Outed

Somehow my secret seems to have got out. How the fuck did that happen? I don’t know. It’s the not knowing that’s the worst. Perhaps it shouldn’t matter how it got out, but I feel I need to know.

My friend Ann rang me this morning to warn me of a rumour going round, at least amongst the band I used to play with, one of them seems to have found out that I "want to be a woman". Actually I AM a woman, but it’s close. If they know, everyone will know, I’ll be the talk of the town, and there’s no point denying it. I’ve had a good long chat with my mum, trying to work out what to do next, because of course the rest of my family will soon get to hear about this, whether I like it or not.

My mind seems to be either see-sawing or spinning on a carousel at the moment, fairground rides going on in my head, and I’m struggling to get my thoughts in order. Hopefully my trusty blog will help.

Part of me thinks this was inevitable, maybe that this should be a good thing; that I don’t have to live a lie any more, and part of me resents having that decision taken away from me. Any of my old friends who don’t wish to accept this, anyone who just wants to ridicule me won’t be my friend any more, it’s as simple as that, and I don’t worry about them. I am concerned about my Dad though, I know this will upset him, and I really don’t want to be disowned by him or excommunicated from the family. And I hate the thought of any embarrassment being forced upon him. I just want him to accept me for who I really am, not who he wants me to be, and I know he will have trouble getting his head round this. So the first question is, should I tell him straight away? A pre-emptive strike, damage limitation, would it be better coming from me than from hearing rumours. Actually I can’t see why that should make it better, and I’m not going to rush into telling him straight away. But it is only a matter of time before he does hear the rumours, at least I have the chance to try and prepare for that. At the end of the day, time and being prepared aren’t going to help, this is going to be hell, for both of us.

So I don’t know what to do, if anything. For the immediate future I shall try to keep a low profile, keep it as quiet as possible, neither have to admit nor deny the allegations. Ignore it, it might go away. Not this time, no chance. Oh well.

Part of me hates having to hide the truth, not just for personal reasons, but because it helps no-one. It may be a way for me to avoid awkward situations, but too many people hide this thing, and the public doesn’t like what it doesn’t know. Obviously I want to see society’s attitude improve, I think it is doing gradually, and now there is nothing to stop me from doing my bit, if only to try and make people understand what we are about. If I can dispel a few myths and make people realise that we are neither mentally ill nor immoral then that will satisfy me. Though whether I’ll be able to do that in this town remains to be seen.

I’m not desperately upset about all this, or tortured by it, just a little unsettled. This year has brought only good things for me, that may all be about to change, but ultimately we are all in control of our own destiny. Maybe today I am more in control than I was yesterday, though that’s not how I’m feeling.

At least, not yet anyway.