Follow your heart

Well I’m quite exhausted. On Wednesday I went to see one of the people who has recently found out my secret, in fact he’d invited me to dinner, so I put him straight on a few points and did my best to explain where I and others like me were coming from. He seemed genuinely interested and asked lots and lots of questions. The next night my mum came over for dinner, and we chatted more about the situation in general. Whilst preparing dinner I had badly scuffed some of my beautifully painted nails so afterwards I re-did the ones that were a mess. Mum did the ones on my right hand for me (my left hand is incompetent), and she also did her own nails with my rich dark red polish, which is the sort of colour that she never uses, but she rather liked it. Nice to share things like that with your mum, something I missed out on as a teenager. The next day I went over to see Cerys, for dinner and wine and vodka and chat. Thanks babe, dinner was lovely again, as were you, again. Hope you can make it out next weekend.

I expect socialising 3 nights in a row wouldn’t take so much out of me if I consumed less alcohol, I’m just getting too old for this. So, the health kick starts this week (some of my friends will have heard that before!)

I can’t help thinking there are an awful lot of people out there who have yet to find out about me; that’s a lot of explaining to do, quite a daunting prospect, but something I am motivated to do regardless of how difficult, tiring or repetitive it may become. So far everyone has reacted positively, no-one has turned against me or shown any disdain, only the desire to be understanding and concern for my well-being. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I’m not quite an eternal optimist though so I do think it’s only a matter of time before I come across someone who takes it badly in some way, perhaps who will see it as reason for ridicule, or simply has no wish to understand it. I can only do my best to help them, and I shan’t be disheartened if anyone takes the piss out of me. I’ve asked my friends to keep things quiet for now, in the hope that my dad won’t get to hear it too soon. There is no urgent need for him to know, and I need to prepare for that situation, find the right words, and be ready emotionally and spiritually. However I feel about it, that time is coming, ready or not. It’s kind of stopped me thinking that this is the worst thing that could happen to me, and that it will be an impossible situation. It won’t be good but I will do my best to deal with it. It’s easy to think negatively about things that you know you can avoid. We should all learn to think positively (it’s easier than some people think), deal with things and not hide from them, allow ourselves to reach our full potential instead of making excuses, and not allow others to control us in any way. So far the fear of the unknown has always turned out to be a needless fear, so I’m becoming less scared of entering unknown territory, doing things that always seemed scary, or facing up to people. Lots of people don’t have the misconceptions we expect them to have, it’s our own misconception to think that the general public have a certain attitude towards us, or will behave in a particular way when confronted with these issues.

It takes all sorts to make a world, and we have a right to be a part of it. Some people may think we don’t fit, but I need to feel that I have a place in society, and before Lucy ever went out I never had that feeling. I believe that we only get one chance at life, this is not a rehearsal. I’ve spent enough time feeling out of place, now I must be me. I don’t want to die having lived a mundane life in a way that I think will not upset other people. Could I carry on without rocking the boat? No, I’d end up jumping overboard, and that probably would upset those close to me.

The person I have pretended to be all my life was created by me, because of the way I assume people think, not because of the way they actually think. I’ve been fooled into thinking that people have certain views, they don’t; society may have but people are individuals, just like me.