Please try to understand before one of us dies

Despite the light-hearted Fawlty Towers title, I don’t know if I actually want to blog at the moment, but I have to do something to stop the tears so let’s give it a go. It’s been a difficult day, and I’ve only been up a few hours. I’ve had two less than positive emails from my dad and brother, which I found quite upsetting. Dad had not responded to my last few mails and I guess he just needs time to think, understandable in the circumstances. His brief note today explained that and a couple of other points, which I do appreciate but it’s so hard for me to think that I am somehow inflicting pain on him, causing him distress. Despite our lengthy phone conversation he says he doesn’t really know what to say to me, quite out of character to say the least.

My brother just had a go at me, I won’t go into why, but it was deeply upsetting and somewhat accusative. I replied to them both, stressing yet again that I don’t want to hurt anyone, or force anything upon them, and reminding them that I just want to survive; my life is indeed at stake here.

There was a thread some time ago in the forums about whether coming out to your family is selfish. I stand by what I said then – no, it isn’t. I am of course acutely aware of how I go about this, how it will affect other people, and I may not do things the ideal way, but I am trying to do this as best I can. I think perhaps that some of my actions have been misinterpreted already. I wish I knew how to make people understand, show them that they don’t need to be distressed, but I must be patient, and remain ever hopeful. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anyone, which is why I’ve left it so late in life; I’m over 40 now, I think it’s about time I sorted myself out, thought about myself instead of the effects that this truth would have on people. But I still think of that, and I do my best to remain considerate, and I always will.

Dad will be seeing mum tomorrow, I’m glad they still get on, having been divorced for over 20 years. I hope mum will be a calming influence, if anyone can help in that way then she can. I’d like to offer calming words too, in fact that is all I can offer, but for the moment I can’t get close to one of them and the other is telling me I’m doing it all wrong already. To some people, I never do anything right.

I imagine if my dad or brother ever read this, and perhaps other blogs, they would be incensed. How dare I share our family problems with a potential audience of 25,000 people? I know they see all this as a problem, and I understand how that is indeed the case for them. But who has the real problem here? Whose life is it anyway? Who do they think is hurting the most?

I avoided telling anyone for so long partly out of fear and partly because I wanted to avoid inflicting any pain on them, or even just embarrassment. Now, I want to help them with that pain because I know it’s not as bad as they probably think at the moment. But I have to heal my own pain. I guess I can’t do both at once.

It will all take time, and I do understand what my brother said to me and why, but it was very upsetting. I don’t think he has any idea how I feel in all of this and I don’t think he appreciates that I really am trying to deal with the people close to me in the best way I can; for them I mean, not for me.

I’ve spent my whole life feeling that I am misunderstood, it’s a bugger.

I wish people would understand me.