What’s in a name

My dad came round today and we had a long chat. He said he still didn’t really know what to say to me but he didn’t seem to be having too many problems there. All this is quite a shock and fairly incomprehensible to him, so I think the underlying thing is that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he’s glad I have sought professional help and that I will be seeing a shrink soon. Perhaps he thinks they will somehow discourage me from my chosen path, or enlighten me by bringing some repressed trauma to the surface or whatever, but he can see something is wrong and that I am not happy the way I am. I tried to explain to him that I know my own mind, that this has been with me forever, and I’ve thought about this for years, and I am completely sure of what I need, and what I want from life. I found it hard to convince him that this was my decision and that no-one else had pushed me towards it or encouraged me in any way, but I think I eventually made some impression there. After all, no-one could persuade him that living the rest of his life as a woman would be a good idea; this sort of thing can only come from inside, and certainly isn’t brought on by any trauma. In my case I sincerely believe that I have in no way been conditioned to end up like this and was indeed born this way, as I’m sure many ts’s would agree.

He expressed his concern about many issues that arise from such a decision, many of which were practical matters, and also feared the difficulties I would have to face, but those are my difficulties, and to be honest, they won’t be that difficult. I can see why a "normal" person would think that way though. At the end of the day it’s all relative; physical pain (surgery, electrolysis etc) are temporary, coping with ignorance to whatever degree is something I am prepared for and have no worries about, and all other difficulties combined do not compare to the mental anguish of having been forced to live in a role which is alien and false. Not to mention the depressing prospect of living the rest of my life that way, probably dying early due to self-inflicted excesses, a miserable existence, dying a grumpy old man. I am certain of what I want in the few years I have left, and certain of how to get it. There is only one way.

All I can do is persevere to show him that and eventually I think he will come to understand it better, though I don’t expect him to really embrace the fact. But I never give up, and after all, my life, my happiness, is not something I ever wish to neglect again. I’ve spent a long time doing that, it’s not good for a girl you know. So the main thing is that we are talking, and he is trying to understand, and willing to listen. Thankfully he seems to have mellowed in recent years, he used to be terribly homophobic but now even has gay friends, one couple in particular. The sooner they get to know the better, because I know they will bend his ears ever so slightly in their own gentle way. But we’re agreed on trying to keeps things quiet for the time being, though of course that can’t last long. Nor do I want it to. I think a professional diagnosis will make a big difference to his outlook. All in all, things could be a lot worse and as people keep reminding me, (and as I’ve always known!) this will all take time to come to terms with, especially for him.

He doesn’t like the name Lucy. I don’t suppose he would have liked the name Susan either, or Mary or Cybil or Esmerelda or Angelique or, well, you get the picture…

If he can come up with a better name I might consider it, but I doubt he will want to do that. I have rather got used to the name Lucy by now, it just seems me, and well bugger him on that one, I think it’s a lovely name. What do you think girls? I think it suits me.

It’s who I am.

xx