Be who you want to be

That title is actually the latest slogan for Weightwatchers, so doesn’t apply to me in that sense, what with my sylph-like figure and all, but you can see where I’m coming from can’t you? T-girls everywhere should read, learn and inwardly digest this statement, it could change their life, and greatly for the better.

It is after all, what I am doing, being who I want to be. Or maybe I’m just being who I am.

Anyway, enough philosophy for now, today’s class is modern history…

Today was my appointment with the local psychiatrist, and yes, she DID ask me to tell her about my childhood, and many aspects of my life in fact. It all went very well and resulted in her saying she would put through a referral to Charing Cross, which is what I had hoped for. Presumably this proves that I’m not completely barking, and that she could not see any evidence of any psychological disorders leading me to have strange and irrational desires to become a woman. My desires of course are neither strange nor irrational, and are in fact based on what I believe is my biological make up, chemistry of the brain, but we’ll do chemistry and biology another day…

I dressed casually today, embroidered jeans and a pink sweater and my NEW trainers (pink and white, so girly ok?) I think that helped to impress the shrink, she did comment that she had seen girls like me in the past who had dressed "based on their own ideals of how a women ought to dress"…

"What in ballgowns and stuff?" I said,

"Well, not quite but over the top and often very formal…" she explained.

I can see it now, navy blue pencil skirts, stockings, white blouses… .

I’d made a conscious decision of course to not look like a tranny, (no offence to trannies everywhere, some of my best friends are trannies…you know what I mean) and Mrs Shrink went on to say that I had obviously "cracked that" and was apparently comfortable in such attire, that of a normal woman. Well of course I am, what normal woman wouldn’t be?

She asked if I was living full-time, when I answered I realised that I only actually wear drab when I nip out to the local supermarket, though of course I don’t always have to shave at home, but I explained that the only thing that was really stopping me was pressure from my family, er no rephrase that, the suggestion from my dad that I wait as long as possible before coming out. I can see his point, but his view is actually at one extreme of the great debate between what they call "stealth" (living as a woman with no-one knowing of your past) or openness about your um, "T-ness". Stealth is not really an option for me, firstly you have to be at least 100% passable; if I could ever get there it would take years and I am not prepared to hide away for that long. Main thing is, I have no need to live in stealth, I am confident enough of my own strengths and abilities to face the world as a trans-woman. Hell, they might even learn something…

I am being a bit of a school-mistress today aren’t I. Pay attention at the back.

Anyway as the psycho mentioned, and as I already knew, the good people at Charing Cross are not going to do anything, perhaps not even take me seriously until they see me living full time. It could be anything up to 6 months before I get an appointment there, so what’s the best thing I could do for myself in that time? That’s right – live full time! No point sitting on my bum for 6 months saying, "Well I want to be a woman but…"

So full-time is just around the corner, and I am glad that a professional has actually suggested that would be the best thing to do (and my dad was hoping she would cure me, or at least talk me out of it…)

I’ll give him a little more time to get his head round things, but I don’t think he’s ever really going to do that anyway, certainly not as long as this is just an abstract concept. But I remain diplomatic, sympathetic to his consternation, and above all understanding. He has said he isn’t yet ready to meet Lucy. Well, it’s time for him to start getting ready, Lucy is a real person, and not just an abstract problem which he doesn’t quite understand. I just need to make him see that the way I go about all this is the way that is best for ME, and hopefully I can be the woman I want to be before one of us dies, whether he understands it or not.

I’ve booked my first IPL hair removal session for next month, following my consultation. It's obviously a very long process, with no actual guarantee that it will be permanent, but I’m sure it will make enough difference to be worthwhile. I guess the electrologist’s needle is an inevitability eventually though, ugh.

Recent socio-historical events include 2 nights out at the Village within a week, the first meeting up with Cerys, Shan and Amy, a TS friend that Cerys met on UK Angels. And again on Friday with the now firmly established "gang" – me, Pippa, Cerys and Shan. A quiet and somewhat wet night, but the company of course was warm and scintillating. I’ve stuck a couple of pics in my album from the first of those nights, and I haven’t even looked at the few pics we took the other night. Well, I’ve been busy entertaining my lover for the rest of the weekend (I should be exhausted!) we came straight back here on Friday, rather than stop in a hotel. As always it’s been lovely to have Pip here, in fact as always, it’s been very special. We’ve had great fun, great conversation, and great sex.

Did I really say that? Sorry. TMI. Oh come on it’s nothing you didn’t already know. Thanks Pip, you know - THANKS!!!

She’s a doll you know, an absolute star, and I love her.

Here endeth the lesson.

xx