20^th April 2004

A major date in the life of Lucy, in fact the date that Lucy first ventured into the big wide world, well, a small corner of it, in Scotland actually. Though I suppose Edinburgh is a fairly big corner, for Scotland.

Anyway, the events of this date, a year ago today, were to set off a chain reaction, which was perhaps inevitable anyway, but which has led me to where I am today. Awaiting an appointment at Charing Cross, on the road to becoming the woman I have always felt I should have been, that I am in fact, but which was always kept hidden from all around me.

It seems a lot can happen in a year, but maybe, hopefully, a lot more will happen within the next 12 months. The change that came over me in one night was fairly dramatic though. I guess it was something I had longed for all my life, to be in public, as a woman, even if the reality was that I wouldn’t be totally accepted as an "everyday", normal woman. I certainly didn’t feel a freak though when it came to it, in fact I felt considerably less freakish than I do when in drab, and that’s what changed me. That’s what made me realise my life had changed for ever, I would never go back. It was just a question of finding the right path that lay ahead of me. It didn’t take long.

I’m still acutely aware of the contrast between personas, I just feel better when I am dressed. Being read as a transsexual is better than being stared at as a man who looks a bit odd, and blending in to the crowd as a woman is kind of nice. Wearing the right clothes somehow allows me to be the person I feel I am, and that I think is the important point; it’s not wearing the clothes that makes me feel better, it’s the feeling of fitting in to the right gender; "congruency". Being dressed correctly allows me to behave appropriately for my true gender. Though having said all that, it’s starting to not matter, I’m just me, and I don’t really care what people see, but I think nowadays they generally see someone who is happier than she otherwise would be had she not followed her heart and started living for herself.

I remember the second time I went out, we’d just met up and sat down in "Vanilla" (aptly my favourite scent) and noticed a young man watching us doing our nails. He asked if he could join us and it turned out he was actually a f2m, you could see it, but only when he told us! Anyway he asked if any of us were TS, and since I said I was he asked if I would have SRS. "I would like to", I replied, "but I don’t think it’s realistic really". "Why not?" He asked, slightly pushily, as if to say, "I’m gonna do it, so can you…" I was taken a bit off-balance by that, no-one has ever been pushy about it before, in fact no-one had ever suggested it might be a good idea, although the idea had certainly occurred to me! I fumbled around trying to find excuses, the family being the biggest stumbling block, but everyone has that to deal with... Although his interrogation didn’t change my way of thinking at the time, it was a bloody good question - why not indeed?

I’m into collecting quotes at the moment, and writing a few of my own based on recent positive experiences, here’s one of mine for you: "Cast aside fear and doubt, and there are no barriers, only hurdles". I used to fear what might happen, I used to doubt whether I could ever do this, but no more, not for a long time in fact, and hence the quote. My family ceased to be a barrier and became a hurdle over which I have recently leapt, but am still having to deal with, purely by way of helping those around me to understand. I do not fear what they might think, I do not care if they think this is not a good idea because they are wrong. And I intend to prove that. One person in particular may never take my word for it, but one day he will see the improvement in me as a person, see the acceptance by the local townsfolk, of whom he seems to have a stereotypical view. Perhaps only then will he truly understand, but I can wait. I know I’m right.

I was "madam’ed" in the supermarket again today, in drab, baggy pants and scruffy, blokey, denim jacket. I might as well go full time if people think I’m a woman anyway! I am being frivolous of course, but hell why is it that I get read when I’m dressed?! Getting read doesn’t worry me though, it’s just something to work on, and it will all take time.

It’s hard to remember exactly how I was feeling a year ago, although I remember clearly the excitement of a year ago today, shopping for a coat in the glorious Edinburgh sunshine, bubbling with anticipation. And I remember the instant calmness I felt as soon as I stepped onto the street in my little black dress; freedom, liberation, realisation, empowerment. In a moment something changed within me, my whole attitude towards my life, and the person inside me. A glimpse of completeness, a view which becomes clearer every day, as I move closer towards my goal.

A big thank you to Cathy who gave me the chance for such a perfect first night out, the atmosphere in Edinburgh was just right, not a tranny hotspot, just the chance to feel like a natural woman in relaxed surroundings. The chance to be aware of myself.

As Wendy and Lisa said, "Everybody needs a chance to grow".

xx