Truths, damn truths, and statistics

I was just looking at my tally of forum posts. Now that old posts are archived I have 71 filed under "archive", which could be anything. The next highest scoring subject of more recent posts is Hormone City: 36, then General: 35, Coming Out: 20, Make up Tips: 17, Good Morning and Tranny Psychology: 15, All about us: 13, Tranny Music and Elite Members: 12… etc all the way down to Ladies who lunch: 1.

I never do lunch, I don’t get up until it’s over. It’s not a great deal of posts so perhaps not enough for a conclusive survey, but it does seem to indicate the subjects which have been most on my mind recently.

You girls must be sitting there wondering why I’m telling you all this.

I have no idea. Oh well…

Actually I thought Tranny Psychology would have been higher, but although I find that subject most interesting I don’t always feel inclined to comment. The statistics would concur that I’m currently self-prescribing hormones, am always interested in a good make up tip and have recently come out to my immediate family. Music is big in my life though again, to list my top 10 tracks, for example, would take me too long to be bothered with, and although I love music, I don’t always know what to say about it. It’s a language of emotion to me.

Coming out to your family has got to be the hardest thing anyone will have to do. In fact, like music I don’t know what to say about it, at the moment at least. There is strength in music, and strength in love. And they can both affect you emotionally and profoundly. Recent weeks have been emotionally embroiling, I’m sure the worst is over though. Dad is coming to dinner on Sunday, still have to think of something decent to cook. I think I am past the stage of trying to think of what to say; the letters I wrote to my family were as comprehensive as possible in one go, now it’s down to their own feelings; preconceptions, lack of exposure to such "problems", shock, horror, willingness to learn, or to accept. Just have to play it by ear from now I feel.

My overriding feeling is that they will never "come to terms" with anything until they experience it first-hand; until they get to meet Lucy, or rather have come to know her as a person. Even though I am the same person. My thoughts won’t change because my gender is not as people presumed it was, so I will still be the same person, but nicer, and happier. Perhaps when they realise that the improvements in myself are long-lasting and for real, they will understand why this was so needed, and so right for me.

I am at peace with my transgenderism, it’s never really been too tortuous. Am I the only one? I’ve never actually denied it, just tried to tell myself that it didn’t really matter, that I shouldn’t allow it to be forefront of my mind. Keep it hidden. Not quite denial, but certainly an attempt at suppression.

The only thing I have lost is time. Although I haven’t felt tortured, I haven’t felt fulfilled either. Fulfilment from some achievements – yes, but that is a fleeting thing, like a drug, an instant high, a quick fix. Fulfilment of spirit is different, it doesn’t get you high, but it makes you feel better. Permanently.

Be who you can be, and don’t make excuses for who you can’t.